How A Cookie Saved My Life

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I was walking home from school today and as I passed the grocery store I thought to myself (though I really said it aloud) “I should pick something up for dessert.” So I picked up monster cookies. These cookies are store made, the size of a man’s hand, and loaded with tiny M&M’s. Soft. Chewy. 8 cookies per pack.

So I buy the cookies and continue walking home. At the corner of McDonald’s and the gas station I push the pedestrian crossing button. Now, you might not believe me, but it’s true, I swear. I pushed that button and hole opened in the sidewalk. I peered in and there was a man down there. He looked exactly like me! I hollered down to him, “Do you need help?” He just looked up at me. So I offered him one of my monster cookies. “Mon up and have a cookie” I told him. I knew he could smell it because his nose twitched. I took a step back holding out the cookie. Lo and behold, out of the hole he climbed. So I gave him a monster cookie just like I promised. I think he smiled, then he simply walked away.

Being a curious guy, I looked into the hole again. It was empty now, but it was only about 4 or 5 feet deep so I climbed in. It was a tunnel, not a hole! I crawled in a short way and I suddenly felt myself sliding down. The tube was smooth and I couldn’t stop myself. I must have slide for at least 27 minutes.

Once I stopped moving I thought I was deep under ground, but I was wrong. I was under water! Technically, I was inside a huge bubble under water. It was a city inhabited by frog people. Two of them wrapped me up with their long sticky tongues and led me away. They took me to who I believed to be their queen. I thought of kissing her to see if she’d turn into a princess, but I kept my lips to myself. Turns out she wanted to send me to the slave pits to smash clams. Then I remembered the cookies so I offered her one for my freedom. I knew she could smell them because she licked her green frog lips.

They kick me out of their city on a green submarine that was piloted by a pirate. I don’t know where the pirate came from or why he had a submarine. I forgot to ask. Now, I know pirates are known thieves and this one seemed as slippery as squid snot. He looked at me with his one good eye and said, “Aye matey. You’ll make a fine deck hand on my pirate ship.” I always thought it would be fun to go sailing and work on those big, tall ships. Argh, the pirate life is not for me. So I offer him a monster cookie to drop me off somewhere safe. Preferably home.

Apparently pirates don’t negotiate, but they do eat cookies. That pirate left me on a deserted island. I walked around the island to find a way off. No luck. Then I walk through the woods and what do I find there? A giant, silver, flying saucer. Well it wasn’t flying, it was landed. Once the aliens saw me, though, they took me aboard. I thought for sure I was going to be probed in parts that aren’t for probing. They buckled me into a seat instead. Then it became a flying saucer. They said we were going to their planet, Xorgon and I would be put in the human zoo. I told their leader that I had cookies and he (she? I couldn’t tell) could have one if they’d take me back to Earth.

Now we’re on our way back to Earth, so I was told, when we suddenly stop. Lights of all colors were bouncing off the walls. Turns out we were stopped by intergalactic police! I told the leader alien the best way to get out of getting a ticket is to flash some boob, before I realized she didn’t have any boobs. Anyway, they arrest me for smuggling humans, even though I was the human. I’m riding in the back to the police rocket and I say, “Excuse me, Officer, I have this delicious cookie you can have if you don’t put me in jail. Police are easy to bribe. They’ll do anything for a cookie.

I’m sitting in the police station of some far off planet when Chief tells me a taxi is coming. You should have seen the size of this rocket ship taxi!  I climb in the co-pilot’s seat and we take off for Earth. We were going so fast that if I had had hair it would have caught fire. This taxi driver was a maniac! “Slow down!” I shout. He laughs, his fat belly jiggles, and a button popped off his shirt. Fortunately, he slows down. “Give me a cookie,” he says, “Or we’ll go even faster.” I had no choice but to give him one.

The taxi drops me off on Earth. I could tell something was different but couldn’t quite place it until I heard a thunderous sound and felt the ground shake. I could only stand in awe as a 40 foot T-Rex approached. It roared a monstrous roar. I threw a monster cookie at it and took off running. Then I saw a shimmery blue oval hovering in front of me, like a wall. With a terrible lizard wanting the rest of my cookies I had no choice but to jump in.

I found myself in a dark room. It smelled of dirt, felt like rock and was too short for me to stand up in. So I sat in my dark room and ate the last monster cookie. I must have sat there for at least 27 minutes when suddenly a bright light shone down on me. I squinted and looked up. “Do you need help?” I heard someone ask. I couldn’t see him because of the bright sunlight in my eyes. “Mon up and have a cookie,” I heard him say. The cookie smelled so good it made my nose twitchy. So I carefully climbed up out of the hole, took the cookie, smiled and walked home.

And this, kids, is why there is only one cookie left.

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The Liebstering Liebsters…

Liebster: German for dearest, darling, liked or loved above all others.

So you can imagine my surprise when my little space was nominated for this award from across the globe. Here I am just writing some random thoughts for The World to read if they want. Then someone comes along and says “Hey, darling. I love what you write. Have this award.”

Maybe not in those words, exactly.

But I’m equally honored. A Momma’s View had me listed with other blogs that I read, too. Blogs that my blog look up to as if they were an older, wiser sibling. As if my blog were just a toddling toddler. I suppose it’s equivalent to someone dreaming then finding themselves playing next to those who they have pinned on their bedroom wall.

The rules state that I need to thank the person who nominated me. I did, and I thank you again! Then I need to answer some questions, give some facts, nominate some others and give them some questions to answer. So here goes with the questions given to me…

  1. IF YOU COULD ERASE A MOMENT IN YOUR LIFE, WHICH WOULD IT BE AND WHY?

    All the moments of my life have led me to writing this, just as every moment of your life has led you to reading this. If we remove one of those moments, what would happen to the others? Would the butterfly effect change them all? If that’s the case, I’d remove none. I like where I am. If removing one didn’t alter the rest though, I’d remove the day I got my head stuck in a cinder block. 38 years later and I still haven’t lived that one down…

  2. WHO’S YOUR FAVOURITE LITERARY HEROINE?

    Just one? I think one is Hermione from the Harry Potter series. No, not because it’s Emma Watson. I liked her before the movies ever came out. Hermione is smart, works hard, and is a loyal friend. More importantly, she knows when she needs to break the rules. J.K. Rowling did a fantastic job writing her character. If it weren’t for her, chances are good Harry wouldn’t have defeated You-Know-Who. My other favorite is Liesel Meminger from The Book Thief. Liesel loves books (as the title infers) and while everyone else in WWII German is stealing food, she is stealing books. She learns to read and then learns the power of words.

  3. IF YOU COULD LIVE ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD, WHERE WOULD IT BE?

    If I got to take all my family with me, we’d move to Hawaii where there is lots of hiking and lots of water. My Dad’s sister lives in Belize so perhaps that would be fun, too. The Caribbean out the front door and Mayan ruins out the back. Again, lots of hiking and lots of water. Notice a theme? I’m part camel, part fish. A camish.

  4. DO YOU LIKE TO COOK? AND WHAT IS YOUR GO TO DISH?

    I love to cook. I think my go to dish is that quick and easy one we call hamburger slop. It’s just burger, a packet of brown gravy, smashed potatoes and a can of corn. My favorite dish to cook though is lasagna soup.

  5. WHO WOULD YOU CHANGE LIVES WITH IF GIVEN THE CHANCE? WHY?

    Wow. That’s a hard one. I think I would change lives with an astronaut. I would love to spend 6 months on the ISS. Mom always called me a space cadet, anyway…

  6. WHAT WOULD YOU NEVER CHANGE ABOUT YOURSELF?

    I would never change my hair style. It’s easy to manage. No bedhead.

  7. WHAT WOULD YOU TELL YOUR YOUNGER SELF?

    I would tell my younger self to study harder and stay on track.

  8. IF YOU COULD FAST FORWARD 20 YEARS, WOULD YOU? WHY OR WHY NOT?

    Nope. There would be so much I miss. Birthdays and graduations and vacations… Like Van Halen sang, Right Now.

  9. WHAT SUPERPOWER WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE, MIND READING OR STRENGTH?

    I pick strength. I don’t want to know what everyone else is thinking.

  10. WHO IS YOUR HERO?

    DW, for tolerating me. My parents, for making me who I am even though sometimes it probably didn’t seem like it was working. My brother, for all his tours serving our country overseas. All my teachers, too.

  11. WHAT WOULD YOU WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW ABOUT YOU INSTANTLY AND WHY?

    I would want people to know that in groups, I’m quiet and listening. If you’re patient, I’ll jump into the conversation when I’m ready.

Next step: 11 “interesting” facts about myself…

1. I’m an extroverted introvert
2. I have the smartest, most beautifulest wifey ever. Sorry guys.
3. I’m good at sucking up.
4. If I had a super power it would be the ability to talk to animals.
5. I once went sledding off my neighbors garage roof.
6. I have an idea for a children’s book. I just haven’t written it, yet.
7. I co-wrote a children’s book that we haven’t published yet. It has been turned down by a dozen publishers, though.
8. Crash learned to play Hot Cross Buns on his recorder. I want to stab my ear drums and now understand how my parents must have felt when I was learning to play the trumpet when I was his age.
9. I sound like I’m eating sandwiches in my sleep. I smack my lips like I’m chewing. I’ve never heard it so they could be lying, but I doubt it.
10. I grew up an Orioles fan and am still an Orioles fan.
11. I can roll my tongue and I can flip it both directions.

Now to nominate 11 bloggers. I know some of you might not accept rainbows up the arse these nomination awards, so consider this a virtual high five. A proverbial tip of the hat for doing what you do…

Ipuna Black whom I just discovered
Dorky Mom Doodles
Niki’s Thoughts
Welcome to the Nursery
Fatty McCupcakes
Grubbs n Critters
J.A. Allen
A Nene’s Life

Meh… close enough…

Here are your questions should you choose to accept…

  1. How do you re-energize?
  2. What yearly salary would you consider “living comfortably”?
  3. If you met Mother Theresa, what would you ask her?
  4. What ice cream flavor do you think your personality is like?
  5. If your car had a super power, what super power would you like it to have?
  6. Do you have a plan for your blog for the long run? 
  7. Is there a word you avoid using? A word you don’t like?
  8. Do you have a favorite word?
  9. If we communicated by playing musical instruments, what instrument would you communicate with?
  10. Is there a time when something didn’t turn out the way it was supposed to, but in the end you were glad that it didn’t?
  11. What’s the best piece of advice you would give a new blogger?

      sUNDAY sHARE: wEEK 19

      Sorry about that. My caps lock was on. Here’s our forecast for the rest of day, tonight, and tomorrow morning.

      weather

      This is what Friday’s forecast looked like.
      This is what Saturday’s forecast looked like.
      This is what Sunday’s Forecast looks like.
      This is what Monday’s forecast looks like.
      This is what Tuesday’s forecast looks like.

      Wednesday the sun comes back.

      Sun!
      Sun!
      Glorious sun!

      Until then, here’s some reading material…

      Lisa Appelo

      Heavenly love…

      J.A. Allen

      A timely trip home…

      Welcome to the Nursery

      Winning at Momhood…

      The Return of the Modern Philsopher

      The day the Devil didn’t show up…

      Squirmy Popple

      Blogging advice on how not to give a $#!+

      Lastly, in case you missed it, you can now find and connect with me on Facebook at www.facebook.com/allinadadswork!

      This is one of my favorite posts of the week. I get to share what you shared with us. The perk is when others then share what I wrote. A huge thank you to all those who have shared my writing. It never goes unnoticed and is always appreciated.

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      The Other World: Book One

      Before last year I had never heard of beta readers. Being a technology geek I had heard of beta testing and beta versions of software/hardware. Never heard of beta reading, though I could easily guess what it meant. Proof read an author’s book.

      Then I was asked to be one.

      I must admit, confess, that a small part of me agreed to be a beta reader because I wanted to read the book before anyone else. I wanted to be the first. The bigger part of me wanted to beta read because I wanted I wanted to help her book to be successful. I had read her first, self-published book, Nowhere to Hide so I couldn’t wait to get my hands on her new one. This second book is a completely unrelated to her first.

      I speak about none other than Tracey Tobin. When I joined WordPress she was the first one I followed. I still follow her. Not in that creepy stalker way… just on WordPress.

      Tori is haunted by past mistakes that caused her to lose her most beloved people. Wracked with guilt and haunted by has happened, she yearns for a new life. When a gift is mysteriously returned to her 17 years after events were set in motion, she finds a way out. However, this new world isn’t so perfect. It has it’s own problems. And it’s own secrets. 

      Read The Other World: Book One on your Kindle App. It’s only $2.99. Bonus: If you’re a Kindle Unlimited user you can read it for free. FREE! And really, you can’t beat $2.99 either. That’s almost free. 

      If you’re an old school reader and prefer to hold a book, to smell a book, to take a book to bed, the paperback version is coming very soon.

      If nothing else, just go take a peek. The cover itself is well worth it. If your first thought is “Wow, nice butt” you won’t be the only one. If your second thought is “What is this other world?” you won’t be the only one either. Go read it… you can thank me later.

      You can find it here: The Other World: Book One

      other world

      see the full cover @Amazon

      Speak English!

      It is spoken by over 840 million people. That’s 840,000,000 people. It’s the second most spoken language right after Mandarin (Chinese). It’s spoken by 67 countries and 27 non-sovereign countries, ie Hong Kong and Puerto Rico.  Some sources say it originated in what is now northwest Germany and the Netherlands. There’s Old English which is the English my parents speak and is preserved in Beowulf from around the year 800. Then there’s middle English of the 1000’s, which my wife and I speak. Lastly, there’s Modern English spoken by this Millennial generation- from the 16 and 1700’s Millennials. The American Revolution included being vocabularically (that’s a word, right?) free from England.

      The 20 volume Oxford dictionary includes definitions for 171,476 words. However, it also lists definitions for 47,156 obsolete words and about 9,500 derivatives as subentries. So there could be upwards of 250,000 words.

      And what I love about the English language – words can be used in so many different ways to mean so many different things. The same word can be a thing, it can be an action or it could be a description.

      Which brings me to the point of this post. Finally. Thanks to Stumbleupon, I found some hilarious idiosyncrasies in the English language. Ones I knew about, but never gave conscious thought to. They certainly make me relieved that English is my first language because as one Tumblr user said, “I’m glad English is my first language because if I had to learn it as a second language I’d jump off a bridge.”

      1. I never said you were stupid.

      You get a completely different meaning depending on which word you stress. Six words, six meanings.

      2. English can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

      There’s that “ough” conundrum. Written the same five times, pronouned five different ways.

      3. If womb is pronounced “woom” and tomb is pronounced “toom” shouldn’t bomb be pronounced “boom”?

      It should and it will if you’re not careful.

      4. Then there are contronyms.

      These are words that are their own opposites. Unlike the word up, whose opposite is down, the word peruse is its own opposite. It can mean to read something in a relaxed way or it can mean to read something carefully. Egregious and nonplussed are two more examples.

      5. A long time ago someone wrote “God B W Ye”. This is essentially 16th century text speak that gave us the word “goodbye”.

      6. Cough, rough, though, and through don’t rhyme. They don’t even sound alike. Yet somehow, pony and bologna do. WTH?

      7. A simple mark, the infamous comma (,) can change the whole meaning of sentence and even save lives.

      Lets eat, kids.

      While some of may have considered baking up our children after a particlarly long snow day, that comma means we’re having chicken, not children.

      8. And somehow that that makes sense…115933219113-png__700

      9. Then there’s this bit of comedy using idiosyncrasies…

      The correct way to spell Potato

      P – GH as in hiccough
      O- OUGH as in dough
      T- PHTH as in phthisis
      A – EIGH as in eight and neighbor
      T- ETT as in gazett
      O- EAU as in plateau

      GHOUGHPHTHEIGHETTEAU = Potato

      10. For my tenth and final act I give you this gem. When you’re done reading this picture type the last sentence into Google translate and click “pronounce”.  I promise you won’t be disappointed. The boys and I have heard it a hundred times and we laugh every time.funny-english-language-jokes-3-58a1ac7da639a__700

      I love the English language. It can be fun to play with. I didn’t get into the whole i before e nonsense and their/there/they’re and homographs like bow and bow. So this list could go on and on and on…

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      Things I Won’t Write About This Year

      As a parent, I see so many different methods, rules, suggestions, ways to parent it’s tough to tell who’s right and who’s wrong. It’s hard to tell which method will work and which ones won’t. Well, not until 20 years later and we look back using our perfect hindsight vision and wish would would have done, said, reacted, taught, reared, our kids differently.

      Looking ahead is difficult. We don’t know exactly how our kids will react to certain rules, certain consequences, the various methods of time outs and the whole reward/punishment philosophy. Over my 9 + 5 years of parenting I’ve used my own strategies and I’ve used suggestions from others. What I have learned the most are the kind of parents I dislike the most.

      Parents who allow unlimited screen time  

      They explain that technology is the way of the future why should their child not embrace it. They might as well learn it now and get a head start. They seem to instinctively know how it all works anyway. Besides, when they’re on their phone/tablet/computer/game console they aren’t out running the roads getting into trouble.

      Parents who are strict with screen time

      These parents are almost obsessive with how much time their child spends in front of a screen playing games. They justify it by arguing that there are more important things to do than play video games. They expect their child to engage in physical play, use imagination, interact with others, and in general – learn.

      Babies who are breastfed

      They say repeatedly that the benefits of breastfeeding are immeasureable. Antibodies, vitamins, that it provides ample nutrition for proper growth of body and brain. It’s convenient in that the baby can be fed anywhere with no prep work. It’s almost a celebratory event when a mom’s milk comes in.

      Babies who are bottle fed

      Some moms just aren’t physically able to breastfeed. Perhaps they don’t produce enough milk. Perhaps they see their breasts as something sexual and feel uncomfortable breastfeeding. Perhaps the baby isn’t able to breastfeed. If they can’t latch properly, they can’t eat. If they’re lactose intolerant and power puke after feeding, then they won’t eat. 

      Tiger parents, helicopter parents, free range parents, snow plow parents
      Some parents push their kids to succeed, even at an extremely early age. Some parent hover over their child to make sure those who influence their child do so in a way that benefits the child. Some parents allow their child the freedom to be and do what they want. Some parents push aside all problems their child might encounter before the child even knew the problem was a possibility. 

      I won’t write about any of them. They’re all right. They’re alright. I’ve written it before and I’ll write it again: So long as your child is happy, healthy, and educated, keep on keeping on. Do what is right for you, your child, and your family. Never mind what that other mom is doing to survive her children. We’re just doing the best we can with what we’re given. No one knows how it’ll all turn out in the end.

      Sunday Share Week 5

      Well, there goes January. Only eleven more months to Christmas!

      I know January isn’t officially over, but it’ll be February the next time I write a Sunday Share. I shared a bunch of blogs yesterday in my Mystery Blogger post. They were a bunch of my favorites. Today, I will share some of the newer ones I have discovered. Maybe you’ll find some new ones to follow here, too!
      Happy reading!

      Kuddos and Kiddos

      An amazing letter to her daughter but really is a letter for all of us to share with our kids (one day).

      Natalie Breuer

      Depression isn’t sadness…

      Jim Westcott – Writing for Reluctant Readers

      Books, boys, and realistic fiction…

      The Opinionated Dad

      Dad’s worth at birth… 

      Apricots and Admiration

      Celebrating marriage in sickness and in health… 

      Hmmm…

      Have you ever wanted to write?

      Have you ever wanted to just sit and sling so much wisdom and insight that your readers were left more amazed than a Cirque de Soleil audience?

      I have numerous (26) drafts in my draft folder, but I don’t feel like writing about the state of our education system. That’s already been covered and really, there isn’t much I could say about that to leave people with the feeling of amazement. My blog is 92.5% centered on parenting as I tend to write about the boys, Crash and Bang. But they’ve frustrated me recently and I don’t feel like writing about them either. There’s nothing amazing about the piles of ice about to rain down on us sometime tomorrow. Except maybe the pictures. I’ll save a thousands words by posting pictures of it tomorrow. 

      I want to write something so amazing you’ll be left sitting in your chair slack jawed and gasping for breath. It’ll be so brilliant you’ll need to wear sunglasses under a welding visor. 

      But I got nothin’.

      Not a flicker.

      Not a spark.

      Not a thought worthy of a hangry toddler.

      Have you ever wanted to spew soliloquy so splendidly, but the only words you’re spewing are synonymous of a lactose intolerant infant after breasfeeding? Have you ever wanted to shine like the light of a thousand dessert suns, but came up with nothing more than the universe’s largest, blackest hole? 

      Me, too.

      Sunday Share Week 4

      Some bug has infected our house so you might want to read this from a safe distance. Definitely wash your hands with soap and hot water afterwards. Bang caught it last Thursday. Crash caught it last night. I’m not feeling so hot myself. With the exception of DW and Bang going grocery shopping it’s been a pretty quiet day around here.  But you didn’t come here for that. Or at least I hope you didn’t. You came to find some good reads. So what did I find for you this fourth week of January?

      Happy reading!

      Fatty McCupcakes
      What you might see while sitting on the toilet…

      Four Princesses and the Cheese
      How Disneyland just got better…

      Green Grapes
      A dose of the HAHAHAs…

      Not the Average Mama
      When a kid wants a push on the mood swing…

      Making Time for Me
      On making time…

      Messy Goes to Okido – a science show we watch a hundred times a day…