Go Ask Your Father: Fans, Vibrators, Trampoline Physics, and Boobs

Amen Halleluja! It’s Friday! Here in Canadaland it’s a long weekend. Victoria Day and all. And Prince Harry is getting married. Do you have your recorders set to record? I know some who have their recorders set to record EVERY channel airing The Wedding. A teacher arrived at school today dressed as if she were invited to the wedding. It was great!

Now lets get this weekend started!

How do fans cool us off?

Fans make us cool by cheering loudly for us. The cooler we are the louder they cheer. My fans are willing to holler down aisle six of the local grocery store, “Hi! Mr. Wood!” Of course I holler back. But he wasn’t talking about those kinds of fans or that kind of cool. When moving air hits you, whether it’s a fan or the wind or a kid running by at mach 2.3, the wind will feel cooler than nonmoving air. As the air zips by your skin it grabs tiny particles of moisture like a boy stealing a cookie out of your hand. Not wanting to be stolen by itself, the moisture takes a bit of heat with it because it takes energy to turn from the liquid on your skin to a gas in the air. This energy comes in the form of heat. You feel this loss of heat as coolness. This is why you feel colder getting out of the shower, pool, lake, pond, ocean, or mud puddle. As the water evaporates off your skin it takes heat with it on a date to make a cloud. If only I could achieve Ryan Reynolds coolness this way.

How do cell phones vibrate?

By getting a call, email, Twitter or Instagram notification. But what makes it buzz and

41

shiver and vibrate like it’s trying Zumba for the first time? A motor, but not any regular motor you find in your Harley. This tiny motor is only one centimeter long. When it receives it’s electrical signal it spins a shaft on which is an offset weight. Offset here means that it’s lopsided, like my friend’s head. So it’s heavier on one side than the other. Therefore, when it spins it shakes like a Big Wheel on a cobble stone road. This kind of motor creates a vibration in 360 degrees as the weight spins around the shaft.

vibrationmotor-01-l

The other kind of vibrator your phone might be equipped with is small but powerful. Size doesn’t matter, right? This motor works in much the same way as a shaft vibrator, by spinning an off center mass. However, haptic motors create linear (side to side) vibrations as it’s just a disk that spins. Imagine a record (LP?)(vinyl?)(giant black CD) that has one side shaved off. Now imagine spinning it 17,000 rpms. All this about shafts and vibrators reminds me of Buzz and Woody. (from the movie!)

How do you launch us on the trampoline?

The boys love it when I join them on the trampoline. However, I’ve discovered I’m exactly I-can-only-jump-for-a-half-hour years old. Not to brag, but I am a good launcher though. According to Bang, I’m a better launcher than Crash. I think it’s because my ass weighs about fifty (WTH? Only 50?) more than he does. There is a bit of science happening and I find it rather interesting. There is a lot of fancy math about elastic energy, but I’ll leave that out of this post. It’s certainly not what I’m thinking about while I’m jumping. Imagine shooting your spouse with a rubber band elastic. If you were wise you’ll only pull the elastic back a little bit so it flies gently. If you’re a glutton for punishment you’ll haul back on the elastic, let it fly, then run like hell. The more tension you put on it, the more potential energy you give it. Therefore, the more potential energy it has the more it transforms to kenetic when you let it go. The same thing happens on the trampoline, though it happens vertically as opposed to horizontally like the elastic. My extra 50 pounds gives the trampoline more potential energy as my weight pushes down harder. If I time my landing just right, I get the mat at it’s maximum tension at the exact same time as 50 pound Bang lands. Then he’s launched skyward with three times the amount of energy that he could have given it by himself. Or 50 pounds more force than if his brother had launched him.

Why do you have to get your boobs checked?

Bang is a boob man. He loves to demonstrate that he is exactly boob height to his mother. That’s a good height to be. Obviously, this question was not directed at me. Though men are not immune to breast cancer, either. Which sort of answers the question. DW left for her mammogram appointment a half hour before we left for school and the boys thought it strange. Naturally, it triggered many more questions which will make their debut in the coming weeks. Breast cancer occurs when malignant tumors form either in the cells of the lobules (the milk producing glands) or the ducts (the passages leading from the lobules to the nipple. If left undetected it will spread to underarm lymph nodes. For cancer cells, the lymph nodes are a highway to the rest of the body. Annual screening tests are ideal for catching it early. So no matter if you’re A cup or DD cup, go get checked. Or get you’re hubby to. He’d be a fool to turn that chore. By the way, no cancer has been detected in DW since she start doing annual mammograms.

  • According to BreastCancer.org 1 in 8 women will develop invasive breast cancer.
  • Breast cancer is the second only to skin cancer.
  • A woman’s risk of breast cancer doubles if she has a first-degree relative diagnosed.
  • 85% of diagnosed breast cancers occur in women with no family history of breast cancer.

Save the whole woman while you’re at it

Advertisements

Questions I Asked My Kids: The #MyMomChallenge

Erika, The Dorky Mom Doodler, Mom, doodler, and general, all round great blogger, set forth this #hashtag challenge on Mother’s Day. These questions are all about our loving, beautiful, slightly nuts, Mother. Or as I call her, DW. Dee Dub is her rapper name.

I saved these questions for today as the gift that keeps on giving. And because Thursdays are questions days, not Sundays. So Happy Belated Mother’s Day. Here’s your laugh.

1. My mom is _____ years old and weighs _____ pounds.

Crash: 40; 190 something
Bang: 41; 15

2. My mom is good at cooking _____ and is not so good at cooking _____.

Crash: Lasagna; Keto pizza
Bang: pancakes; nothing, she cooks everything good.

3. If my mom were a superhero, her name would be ______ and her superpower would be _____.

Crash: Tara; shooting lasers out of her eyes
Bang: Supermom; Flying and punching and kicking

4. And if my mom were a villain, her name would be ______ and she would use her evil powers to _____.

Crash: Bad Mom; Take over the world
Bang: Taralee the Villain; Join her evil and apacolypse the world

5. I love it when my mom ______.

Crash: Snuggle me
Bang: snuggles me!

6. When my mom is driving, she _________.

Crash: gets white knuckles
Bang: is not a maniac

7. I like it when my mom _______ and I don’t like it when my mom _________.

Crash: lays with me at night; yells at me
Bang: plays games with me; yells

8. My mom does not like to _______.

Crash: Be annoyed
Bang: go on the trampoline

9. My mom does ________ the best and _________ the worst.

Crash: Snuggles; Pokemon battles
Bang: everything; cooks speghetti

10. I’m thankful for my mom because ___________.

Crash: She loves me
Bang: She’s the best hugger.

images (2)

The Leibster Award

Shari of Writing is Communication was gracious enough to nominate me for a Liebster Award. I was gracious enough to accept it but not gracious enough to complete it. Until now. April 15 was exactly one month ago so it’s about time I saddle up the horse and ride.

On a side note completely unrelated to the Liebster: it’s currently raining a good spring rain. While there’s no hope of it growing hair on my head, it will grow the seeds in my garden. 

Okay, back to the Liebster. Thanks a million Shari. It’s an honor to be thought of for  an award.

liebster-award-button

Next up: Answer some questions. 

  1. Do you think that a writer has to be defined by one genre?

Hell yeah! I love Terry Brooks’s fantasy novels. If I were to buy a Terry Brooks book I expect it to be fantasy/sci-fi. It would be like buying a can of corn and opening it up and finding it filled with brussels sprouts. However, as an author I would want to be free to write whatever genre I want. Historical fiction today, thriller tomorrow, and romantic comedy the day after that. In conclusion, I shouldn’t be defined by one genre but my favorite authors should be.

2. What is your favourite writing topic?

I’ll have to go with my blog topic on this one, parenting and kids. Sometimes it’s about what to do. Sometimes it’s an example of what not to do. Most of the time my kids are great, but sometimes they can be assholes. I like to write about both.

3. Do you have a book that you recommend to other readers on a regular occasion? What and why?

For kids I always ask if they’ve read “The Book With No Pictures”. It’s the perfect read aloud book sure to have every laughing so hard the tears will run down your leg. To normal adults I always recommend “The Book Thief” by Markus Suzak. I’ve mentioned it several times on my blog, too.

4. Book version or movie version?

Really? The book is always better, isn’t it? Have you ever watched a movie that was better than the book?

5. If I gave you the word “vellichor” as a writing jump off point where might you jump?

I would jump into a story about a kid who accidentally wanders into the world’s oldest bookstore and finds a portal to a world where they become supreme ruler.

6. What would be your dream setting to write in?

I think I would love to be in a log cabin deep in the rainforest away from civilization. Of course, I’d be by myself because DW’s dream spot is on the beach. I bet there’s somewhere in the world that has a rainforest next door to a beach so we don’t have to divorce.

7. What is your favourite season?

Baseball.

8. Who is your favourite villain? Why?

My kids are 2 of them. They’re always out to get me. I don’t know if she counts as a villain or not, but I’m going to name Dolores Umbridge. God, I hated that woman. She was so well written and so easy to hate. She created some outstanding obstacles for the trioo.

9. Who is your favourite hero? Why?

I’m not sure she’s the hero, but she is the protagonist of her story. Liesle Meminger. She learns to read, hides a Jew, cheats death, and steals books. I think that makes her a hero in my book.

10. What does writing mean to you?

Writing means I get to be creative. I get to try to make people laugh with my weird sense of humor. It also means this stupid little blog gets to connect with people around the world.

11. How would you respond to this quote from Lewis Carroll’s Alice in Wonderland, “If you don’t know where you are going any road h take you there”.

Hell yeah! I would respond with “Not all who wander are lost.” The license plate of our first car was “GET OUT”. Now go explore, see what’s around that next bend, and discover something new.

Now to nominate a few blogger friends from around the world…

1. A Momma’s View
2. Dorky Mom Doodles
3. Snoozing On the Sofa

Feel free to participate, or not. The choice is yours. If you participate, don’t forget to nominate a few or more!

For the three I nominated, here are my 11 questions for you.

  1. What are you reading right now? Would you recommend it?
  2. If you became a travel blogger where would you go first?
  3. Which antagonist is easiest for you to hate?
  4. Do you have a favorite board game?
  5. Which fictional character would like to have a lunch date with?
  6. Assuming you live through the book’s entirety, which book would you not mind finding yourself within?
  7. Spring rain or winter snow?
  8. You’ve been invited to do a TED talk. What are you going to talk about?
  9. What song/artist do you consistently listen to?
  10. What’s one of your favorite quotes?

Now give your nominations some questions to answer and thanks for playing along!

awards-can-give-you-a-tremendous-amount-of-encouragement-to-keep-getting-better-no-matter-how-young-quote-1

Questions I Asked My Kids: Ep67

MLB: New York Mets at Atlanta BravesWe’re back from another evening of baseball practice. It’s amazing how one can improve just by seeing others do what you’re trying to do. Like swing a bat. He has always swung well. Or at least well enough to hit the ball. A couple days ago we were taking some swings in the backyard. Our neighbor, also a ball player, joined in. Once Crash how he swung he adjusted his own swing. Immediately, he added 30 feet to his hits. Sometimes you just need to see what the next level looks like in order to reach the next level.

1. What made you laugh today?

Crash: When we were watching funny bird videos at Nanny and Pop’s house.
Bang: Doing funny things at the water fountain. When my friend was getting a drink at the fountain I pulled his head away and then he got splashed

2. What are three things you are grateful for today?

Crash: That my friend is allowed to sleepover tomorrow, that I’m still alive, and that I have a loving mom and dad and only on occasion they get mad and yell.
Bang: Math, Spring, and it’s almost my birthday!

3. Which accomplishment are you most proud of?

Crash: I’ve made friends
Bang: I’m most proud of my fast running

4. What are three things you are learning in school?

Crash: Persuasive writing, fractions, and medieval times
Bang: Parallelograms, and I can’t think of anything else because I’m smart. I’m ready for grade 6.

5. Are you going to be a dad one day? How many kids do you want?

Crash: Maybe… I’m hoping for at least one and a maximum of four
Bang: I’m going to be a dad and a worker. I’ll have 3 kids and they’ll be little triplets.

6. What nice thing did you do for someone today?

Crash: Held the door for all my classmates because I was the last one out
Bang: Hugged Brenna.

7. What do you like most about yourself?

Crash: I like my good looks most
Bang: I like how I’m smart.

8. What do you like most about your brother?

Crash: That he entertains me and he sings in the church choir
Bang: He plays Bey Blades with me and loves me

9. What’s your earliest/first memory? (alt: What’s the most embarrassing thing I do?)

Crash: I remember we were doing wood for Guppie’s house, I was talking about MineCraft a lot and Guppie gave me money to buy Minecraft because I helped with the wood.
Bang: When I got stuck in the bathroom because I had soapy hands I couldn’t turn on the water to rinse my hands and I couldn’t open the door because my hands were too slippery. I layed on the floor crying.

10. What is the theme song for your life?

Crash: Castle on the Hill by Ed Sheeran
Bang: Don’t Stop the Music by Rhianna

2a0332

Questions I Ask My Grandmother

My grandmother is wise beyond her years. She has a lot of years, too. She’s also a woman of few words. At least when it comes to writing her answers back to me. I bet if I talked to her in person her answers would be days long. This is episode three. You can read episodes one and two, if you like.

One of my favorite things about her is her sense of humor. This is woman who put a fake bird in a tree and then got my dad to sneak up on it to try to catch it. She had a chocolate cake that was actually made from styrofoam and loved to offer a piece to unsuspecting victims. She had small toy Christmas tree that could be wound up. It would slowly spin and play Christmas songs. That is until its spinner went kablooey and it would spin 90 mph and it’s ornaments would hang on for dear life. And Easter egg hunting? I loved it. The eggs she hid always had money in them!

So, Grandma (or G.G. to her grandkids), what answers have you for us today?

1. What’s the secret to a happy life?

Enjoy each day. It’s never coming again.

2. What’s the secret to a happy marriage?

Keep your own identity.

3. Is there something you had as a kid that you wish you still had?

I still have 1 toy. It’s a doll cradle that I later learned was made by an undertaker. His wife was the daughter of an ancestor that died in 1835 in a boat wreck.

4. What is/was your favorite game to play?

You name it – outdoor, baseball. Indoor, a board game.

5. Are there any celebrities in our family tree?

Well Peggy Shippen who married you know who. (Actually, I didn’t know who. DW did a quick Google search and it says she is the 2nd wife of Benedict Arnold. She was the highest paid spy of the American Revolution)

6. What are you most proud of?

Shhh… my community activities

7. What was your wedding day like? Do you have any wedding photos?

It rained. Only picture faded- unrecognizable

8. What’s your favorite thing about being a grandmother and great grandmother?

Oh you, you of course.


I guess that proves once and for all that I’m her favorite. I always knew it, I’m just happy to have it in writing!

Grandma-quotes-5

W is for Questions…

WTH? I yelled to you 3 times. Selective hearing much?

WTF? Could you find a more annoying song? Seriously, DO NOT listen to Numnumnum (link to lyric video in case you wanted to know the words). WTF (*why*) he insists on playing it our Alexas is beyond me. I unplugged one of them so he couldn’t play it. What’s the most annoying song your kids make you listen to?

But this is Thursday and Thursdays are for questions. What, where, why, and when all begin with W. So let’s stop wasting time talking about the letter of the day and lets ask some questions.

1. Why are bees so important?

Crash: Because they pollinate the flowers and the flowers need to be pollinated to make more flowers and without flowers we couldn’t go to weddings.
Bang: Because they make nectar and honey for you

2. Where was Jesus born?

Crash: Jerusalem
Bang: In the stable

3. What is the largest mammal on Earth?

Crash: Elephant is the largest on land and largest anywhere is a blue whale
Bang: The dad grown-up black bear

4. Are there aliens somewhere in the universe?

Crash: Depends, right now we don’t know, but possibly.
Bang: No

5. If I gave you $20, what would you do with it?

Crash: Buy a $15 Google Play gift card and donate the rest to a charity.
Bang: Save it to buy a puppy

6. If you had your own museum, what would you put in it?

Crash: The history of video games.
Bang: It would be an animal museum – black bear bones, polar bear body, and an elephant skeleton in sections

7. If you had to buy yourself a gift that you couldn’t open for 5 years, what would you buy?

Crash: A car if I was old enough to drive, but I’m not. So I’d get the biggest TV I could
Bang: a baby bird in a box with holes for me to give it water and food

8. What would be something fun to fill a pool with to jump into?

Crash: A strawberry banana smoothie
Bang: corn starch water (to make nonnutonian fluid to walk on top of)

9. If you gave our family trophies, what would each of us get?

Crash: Me- for the best gamer, Bang- for being the most annoying, Dad- the best cooker and chore doer, Mom- for the best lover
Bang: Dad- bronze trophy for coming in 3rd in the car race, Mom- for coming in second in an ice cream eating race, Crash: For finishing his supper first, Me – for Gold, silver, and bronze for having the best questions in the world

10. Did you have any dreams last night?

Crash: As a matter of fact yes I did. There was a big Pokemon battle and I had Kyoger and the other guy had Groudon. Since one was fire type and one was water type, mine formed a big bubble and splashed it on Groudon. Then he was all wet, but it all evaporated off him then rained on him and evaporated and rained on him again, and so on. And it took all his energy away making the bubble evaporate.
Bang: No. I stayed awake all night.

sleeping-is-hard-in-the-summer

R and S are for Go Ask Your Father…

There’s a twofer going on tonight. However, it’s only one post.

is for research. I can answer the boys questions without Google. What I can’t do is answer them thoroughly. If you can’t explain it simply enough for a 6 year old to understand you don’t understand it well enough. So I turn to Google to refine and finish my explanations. I know that’s not official research, but it’s good enough for now. As long as I use trustworthy sites.

Since I love their questions, I pray they continue to ask questions their entire life. Learning is essential and questions are proof they are trying. S is for students. Students of education. Students of life. Students for life.

 

1. What is cholesterol?

I had to admit defeat on this one. All I could them them is that it’s stuff in our blood and there two kinds, a good kind and a bad kind. Now I know the bad kind is LDL – low density lipoprotein. It’s sticky and is the stuff that clings to artery walls, reducing blood flow to the heart, and causes heart attacks. The only thing that can stop a bad cholesterol with a gun is a good cholesterol with gun. HDL – high density lipoprotein strolls the blood stream looking for LDLs. Once it finds it, it latches on and delivers the baddie to the liver (the judge who sentences the baddie to jail). The liver then filters it as a waste product and removes it from your body all together.

2. What is it when shadows combine without touching?

That’s kind of a confusing question, isn’t it? How can two things combine without touching? That’s like putting your clothes in the washing machine and they never get wet. You can do this experiment and see it for yourself. Just hold your hands up to a wall to cast two shadows. Bring your hands together slowly and the two shadows will touch just before your hands do. The shadows will be connected yet your hands are not. Thanks to Vsauce on YouTube, we know this is called The Shadow Blister Effect. I highly recommend the video. It has to do with the anatomy of a shadow. The umbra is the part of the shadow where the light is fully blocked. The prenumbra is a partial blocking (like twilight, the sun has set, but it’s still a bit light). When the two prenumbras overlap it creates a significantly greater darkness which we perceive as the combination of shadows even though the two objects aren’t touching.

3. Why do we get blisters?

You got a blister because you wore your rainboots with no socks. Put socks on before it gets worse. There are several causes of blisters. Heat, friction, and chemicals are just three of the main culprits. A blister is our skin’s way of defending itself. A layer of liquid forms between the top layers of skin to protect the tissue below it. It is best to keep the blister as long as you can. But if you’re like me and love bubble wrap, it’ll be too tempting to pop your skin bubble. That bubble is allowing the tissue to heal without the risk of infection. So if you do pop your bubble, clean it and wrap it up.

4. Can I get Facebook?

Hold on… I’ll go ask Zuckerburg. Sorry. He said awe hell no. Sure, it’s a great tool to keep in touch with family and friends. It’s also a great tool to kill some time, whether it be a few minutes or a few days. It’s also a great place to get #FakeNews and other things unimportant to our daily lives. Though, if he did get the FB he would just have a few family members on so it would probably be safe until he went exploring for more. So, no. The 10 year old will not be on Facebook for a while, yet.

life-without-facebook-and-internet-1

Q is for…

QI would love to say Q is for quiet. It’s a rare occurrence around here.  A lit match lasts longer the quiet in our house. Unless it’s after bedtime. Those 2 hours after the kids are asleep is Mommy and Daddy time. We’re not playing referee. We’re not cooking or cleaning. The kids think we always stay up late and drink wine when in fact we stay up a bit, watch adult shows and eat snacks.

But Q won’t be for quiet today. Just like last year for Q, it falls on a Thursday. Anyone familiar with this space knows that Thursday for Questions. These questions are from April 20th of last year. Lets see how their answers differ…

1. What’s your favorite thing to do in the summer?

Crash: Go to the beach
Bang: Use the sprinkler with all my friends!

2. What do sharks eat?

Crash: Fish, people sometimes if they think you are a seal, and seals
Bang: Fish and krill and shark food

3. What animal would it be fun to be?

Crash: An eagle
Bang: A mouse

4. Why would it be fun to be that animal?

Crash: a) because eagles are cool and b) because you can you fly with your wings
Bang: because you get to dig in people’s walls and live in there

5. What would you like to learn more about?

Crash: How to draw
Bang: Tigers

6. What’s the best thing about you?

Crash: I make friends easily
Bang: That I know stuff past grade 1

7. What’s the best thing about Dad?

Crash: He’s bald and you do most of the chores around the house
Bang: Not much, just one thing. You let me play on your phone because I know your password to play Candy Crush

8. What’s the best thing about Mom?

Crash: She’s losing weight and volunteers for a lot of stuff
Bang: She snuggles me

9. What do you want to be famous for doing?

Crash: Writing books or taking photographs
Bang: Running because I’m really fast

10. What do you want to be when you grow up?

Crash: Author or photographer or the good looking pop start that everyone loves
Bang: Dog washer!

 

L is for…

L

When you have two teachers for parents, L can only mean one thing.

Lots and lots and lots of Learning.

Fortunately, the boys are so full of questions there’s more learning happening around here than… than… well, lets just say there’s lots of learning.

1. Why are scabs itchy?

Boys are hard on their bodies. It’s the only one they get so they need to get as much use out of it as they can. Crash fell at school earlier this week. Apparently there was some invisible ice and he slipped and fell on it while playing tag with his friends. Now he has a nice little-ish scab healing on his knee and it’s itchy. Why? Because when the cells covering the wound meet in the middle they start pulling on each other to close the wound. This frat house like tug-o-war causes mechanical stress and activated the itch nerves. Your spinal cord, which in control of your nervous system, sends the signal to scratch that itch. But if we scratch that itch we rip the scab off and we’re right back to where we started when we got the banged up knee in the first place. So now a war rages between our spinal cord wanting scratch and our brain telling us our spinal cord is a liar.

2. Can you die from drinking too much alcohol?

The boys know DW and I enjoy a drink of wine now and then. Sometimes we’ll have friends over for boardgame night and have a few drinks. We always drink responsibly. But, yes, you can die from too much of it. It’s called Alcohol poisoning. Except the 6 year old insisted that that wasn’t the right term for it. He said it was an “itis” (eye-tiss) word. After a minute of thinking he informed us that the correct word was drunkitis. Alcohol poisoning can happen when any substance containing alcohol is consumed intentionally or not. It occurs most frequently in binge drinkers. This is the consumption of 5 serving of alcohol in two hours for men or four for women. Symptoms include…

  • Confusion
  • Vomiting
  • Seizures
  • Slow breathing (less than eight breaths a minute)
  • Irregular breathing (a gap of more than 10 seconds between breaths)
  • Blue-tinged skin or pale skin
  • Low body temperature (hypothermia)
  • Passing out

Please, please, drink responsibly. Another way drinking too much can kill you is if you get behind the wheel and drive. PSA – Don’t drink and drive.

3. Can I go play outside?

YES! YES! YES! GO! GO! GO! We still have snow on the ground. Actually, it snow a bit this morning. This winter is bullshit and needs to go. Put on your boots and get going. Of course, once he was out there he started digging a hole in the muddy yard. Dude, go up in the back field and dig a hole. Unless you were planning on filling it with ash and kicking your little brother in the ash hole. That wouldn’t be cool either. Today was a screen free video game free day so going outside was really the only other option. Best. App. Ever!

4. Can boys have babies?

No. And no, babies don’t come out of our penis… well, not infant babies like the ones that come of mommies. Bang asked this one this evening and we explained that only girls can have babies. DW took it one step further and told him that half comes from daddies and half comes from mommies. I sat back and listened, laughing my ass off because I knew what was coming next.

“So half comes from dad and half come from mom and what? You kiss and put the baby together?”

DW opened this can of worms so I had full intention of letting her get the lid back on it.

Yes. That’s exactly what happens. Then he asked about the babies coming out and asked about babies coming out of penises. No. That’s not what happens because girls don’t have penises. “Oh, yeah. They have innie penises.”

Then I told him about chromosomes and that if daddies give mommies an X then they’ll have a baby girl and if daddy gives mommy a Y, they’ll have a boy. This effectively ended the possibly too indepth sex ed conversation.

Have you had to explain babies to your little ones? How did you handle it? The whole truth or just enough to satisfy their curiosity?

download (1)

F is for Go Ask Your Father…

FThe “F” word. No, that “F” word. Though, it’s always a possibility.

Today, F is for Friday. Not only is it the second greatest day of the week ever invented, but it’s also day we answer some questions. We get bombarded by questions like statues get bombarded by pigeons.

1. How much longer will Piper be alive?

If you’ve never met Piper, she is our Quaker parrot. She talks a little bit, but only when she thinks no one is listening. Hey. Hi. Hello. Pretty birdie. Good bird. I love you. Give mum a kiss. She imitates the vacuum, water drops, and barks at the neighbors’ dogs. We acquired her in 2006 from a pet store that was giving her away. Someone was moving and couldn’t take her with them and ask the pet store to find her a home. She was free. When we got her we were told she was six which puts her birthday sometime in 2000. We just go by the date we got her. That makes her 18. Quakers can live to be 35 years old. For those of you who suck at math, that mean she has 17 years left (assuming she makes it to 35). The larger parrots, macaws and African greys, can live 80-100 years. Which is nothing compared to Adwaita, an Aldabra giant tortoise, who lived to be 255 years old. My grandmother was there for its birth.

2. What does fire look like in space?

Goodness, gracious, great balls of fire! Technically, fire needs oxygen and space is severely lacking in oxygen. And don’t try to use the sun as an argument for fire in space. The sun is powered by nuclear fusion, not an 864,575 mile wide bon fire.  However, if you happen to be on a space ship (or station) that has oxygen to burn, you will see that fire simply forms a ball around a match head. There is no up in space so the flame cannot form its picturesque tear drop shape because if there is no up, rising is impossible.

candle_comparison

Left -space match Right – Earth match

3. Why are some words “bad”?

The “B” word (bedtime). The “S” word (school time). The “C” word (church time). All bad words in their own right. But these aren’t the bad bad words. One of my favorite science channels on YouTube discussed this. You can watch it here if you have a spare 10 minutes. Essentially, these “bad” words stem from the Germanic languages of the lower class. They are bad because they are crude, inappropriate slang words describing something vulgar, unpleasant, gross, or feared. This is why some words are worse than others. The worse it’s depiction the worse it’s level of badness.

4. Can we stay up late?

Considering it is now 8 pm and you are just starting to get ready for bed, the answer is yes. It’s Friday, the sun was shining so you got to say out until 7:30. That’s a whole hour later than usual. Since your mother and I want to watch a movie this evening (Lion) we would like to get you to bed. There’s some wine that needs to be rescued, too. I recorded Gremlins so we can watch that tomorrow. Then you’ll know what you look like when you don’t get enough sleep. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to get these a**holes to b*d before they turn into gremlins.

best-funny-quotes