Go Ask Your Father: Fans, Vibrators, Trampoline Physics, and Boobs

Amen Halleluja! It’s Friday! Here in Canadaland it’s a long weekend. Victoria Day and all. And Prince Harry is getting married. Do you have your recorders set to record? I know some who have their recorders set to record EVERY channel airing The Wedding. A teacher arrived at school today dressed as if she were invited to the wedding. It was great!

Now lets get this weekend started!

How do fans cool us off?

Fans make us cool by cheering loudly for us. The cooler we are the louder they cheer. My fans are willing to holler down aisle six of the local grocery store, “Hi! Mr. Wood!” Of course I holler back. But he wasn’t talking about those kinds of fans or that kind of cool. When moving air hits you, whether it’s a fan or the wind or a kid running by at mach 2.3, the wind will feel cooler than nonmoving air. As the air zips by your skin it grabs tiny particles of moisture like a boy stealing a cookie out of your hand. Not wanting to be stolen by itself, the moisture takes a bit of heat with it because it takes energy to turn from the liquid on your skin to a gas in the air. This energy comes in the form of heat. You feel this loss of heat as coolness. This is why you feel colder getting out of the shower, pool, lake, pond, ocean, or mud puddle. As the water evaporates off your skin it takes heat with it on a date to make a cloud. If only I could achieve Ryan Reynolds coolness this way.

How do cell phones vibrate?

By getting a call, email, Twitter or Instagram notification. But what makes it buzz and

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shiver and vibrate like it’s trying Zumba for the first time? A motor, but not any regular motor you find in your Harley. This tiny motor is only one centimeter long. When it receives it’s electrical signal it spins a shaft on which is an offset weight. Offset here means that it’s lopsided, like my friend’s head. So it’s heavier on one side than the other. Therefore, when it spins it shakes like a Big Wheel on a cobble stone road. This kind of motor creates a vibration in 360 degrees as the weight spins around the shaft.

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The other kind of vibrator your phone might be equipped with is small but powerful. Size doesn’t matter, right? This motor works in much the same way as a shaft vibrator, by spinning an off center mass. However, haptic motors create linear (side to side) vibrations as it’s just a disk that spins. Imagine a record (LP?)(vinyl?)(giant black CD) that has one side shaved off. Now imagine spinning it 17,000 rpms. All this about shafts and vibrators reminds me of Buzz and Woody. (from the movie!)

How do you launch us on the trampoline?

The boys love it when I join them on the trampoline. However, I’ve discovered I’m exactly I-can-only-jump-for-a-half-hour years old. Not to brag, but I am a good launcher though. According to Bang, I’m a better launcher than Crash. I think it’s because my ass weighs about fifty (WTH? Only 50?) more than he does. There is a bit of science happening and I find it rather interesting. There is a lot of fancy math about elastic energy, but I’ll leave that out of this post. It’s certainly not what I’m thinking about while I’m jumping. Imagine shooting your spouse with a rubber band elastic. If you were wise you’ll only pull the elastic back a little bit so it flies gently. If you’re a glutton for punishment you’ll haul back on the elastic, let it fly, then run like hell. The more tension you put on it, the more potential energy you give it. Therefore, the more potential energy it has the more it transforms to kenetic when you let it go. The same thing happens on the trampoline, though it happens vertically as opposed to horizontally like the elastic. My extra 50 pounds gives the trampoline more potential energy as my weight pushes down harder. If I time my landing just right, I get the mat at it’s maximum tension at the exact same time as 50 pound Bang lands. Then he’s launched skyward with three times the amount of energy that he could have given it by himself. Or 50 pounds more force than if his brother had launched him.

Why do you have to get your boobs checked?

Bang is a boob man. He loves to demonstrate that he is exactly boob height to his mother. That’s a good height to be. Obviously, this question was not directed at me. Though men are not immune to breast cancer, either. Which sort of answers the question. DW left for her mammogram appointment a half hour before we left for school and the boys thought it strange. Naturally, it triggered many more questions which will make their debut in the coming weeks. Breast cancer occurs when malignant tumors form either in the cells of the lobules (the milk producing glands) or the ducts (the passages leading from the lobules to the nipple. If left undetected it will spread to underarm lymph nodes. For cancer cells, the lymph nodes are a highway to the rest of the body. Annual screening tests are ideal for catching it early. So no matter if you’re A cup or DD cup, go get checked. Or get you’re hubby to. He’d be a fool to turn that chore. By the way, no cancer has been detected in DW since she start doing annual mammograms.

  • According to BreastCancer.org 1 in 8 women will develop invasive breast cancer.
  • Breast cancer is the second only to skin cancer.
  • A woman’s risk of breast cancer doubles if she has a first-degree relative diagnosed.
  • 85% of diagnosed breast cancers occur in women with no family history of breast cancer.

Save the whole woman while you’re at it

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Questions I Asked My Kids: The #MyMomChallenge

Erika, The Dorky Mom Doodler, Mom, doodler, and general, all round great blogger, set forth this #hashtag challenge on Mother’s Day. These questions are all about our loving, beautiful, slightly nuts, Mother. Or as I call her, DW. Dee Dub is her rapper name.

I saved these questions for today as the gift that keeps on giving. And because Thursdays are questions days, not Sundays. So Happy Belated Mother’s Day. Here’s your laugh.

1. My mom is _____ years old and weighs _____ pounds.

Crash: 40; 190 something
Bang: 41; 15

2. My mom is good at cooking _____ and is not so good at cooking _____.

Crash: Lasagna; Keto pizza
Bang: pancakes; nothing, she cooks everything good.

3. If my mom were a superhero, her name would be ______ and her superpower would be _____.

Crash: Tara; shooting lasers out of her eyes
Bang: Supermom; Flying and punching and kicking

4. And if my mom were a villain, her name would be ______ and she would use her evil powers to _____.

Crash: Bad Mom; Take over the world
Bang: Taralee the Villain; Join her evil and apacolypse the world

5. I love it when my mom ______.

Crash: Snuggle me
Bang: snuggles me!

6. When my mom is driving, she _________.

Crash: gets white knuckles
Bang: is not a maniac

7. I like it when my mom _______ and I don’t like it when my mom _________.

Crash: lays with me at night; yells at me
Bang: plays games with me; yells

8. My mom does not like to _______.

Crash: Be annoyed
Bang: go on the trampoline

9. My mom does ________ the best and _________ the worst.

Crash: Snuggles; Pokemon battles
Bang: everything; cooks speghetti

10. I’m thankful for my mom because ___________.

Crash: She loves me
Bang: She’s the best hugger.

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Three Kids and A Classic Movie

“We watched that movie last weekend with the boys and one of their friends. I had to laugh when the movie opened with kissing and all three boys were like “Kissing? Already? UGH!” Then it cuts to 10 year old Fred Savage’s character saying the exact same thing.

Good times…

They still think kissing is gross.

They loved the movie, of course. What’s not to love. Andre the Giant. A six fingered man. Plenty of slapstick humor. The only part the six year old, Bang, was unsure of was the torturing of Wesley in the secret room under the tree. He had TONS of questions about that after the movie.

How did it make electricity?
Did it really hurt him?
How did all those gears turn?
Was it metal?
Why did he have to get electrocuted?

Some of them he asked multiple times just to make sure he understood it. I had to explain about generators and water wheels and electrical currents. I also explained acting that stuff in movies isn’t real. He was good after that. His favorite character was Andrew Andre the Giant. His favorite part was when Buttercup pushed Wesley down the giant hill then she rolled down after him.

We have also watched “Gremlins”, “The Neverending Story” and “The Goonies”. The Goonies was far more crude than I remember it. There weren’t any words in the movie they haven’t heard before. Naturally, the boys loved it. What’s not to love, though? Now they know why we don’t feed them after midnight. They also know why we sometimes call them Goonies and where their mother and I get the line “HEEEEY YOOOU GUUUUYS!”

What old classics have your kids watched? Was their reaction what you expected?

For more antics you can follow me on Twitter and Instagram.

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Hold it, Hold it! Is this a kissing book?

Lucy At Home

Questions I Asked My Kids: Ep67

MLB: New York Mets at Atlanta BravesWe’re back from another evening of baseball practice. It’s amazing how one can improve just by seeing others do what you’re trying to do. Like swing a bat. He has always swung well. Or at least well enough to hit the ball. A couple days ago we were taking some swings in the backyard. Our neighbor, also a ball player, joined in. Once Crash how he swung he adjusted his own swing. Immediately, he added 30 feet to his hits. Sometimes you just need to see what the next level looks like in order to reach the next level.

1. What made you laugh today?

Crash: When we were watching funny bird videos at Nanny and Pop’s house.
Bang: Doing funny things at the water fountain. When my friend was getting a drink at the fountain I pulled his head away and then he got splashed

2. What are three things you are grateful for today?

Crash: That my friend is allowed to sleepover tomorrow, that I’m still alive, and that I have a loving mom and dad and only on occasion they get mad and yell.
Bang: Math, Spring, and it’s almost my birthday!

3. Which accomplishment are you most proud of?

Crash: I’ve made friends
Bang: I’m most proud of my fast running

4. What are three things you are learning in school?

Crash: Persuasive writing, fractions, and medieval times
Bang: Parallelograms, and I can’t think of anything else because I’m smart. I’m ready for grade 6.

5. Are you going to be a dad one day? How many kids do you want?

Crash: Maybe… I’m hoping for at least one and a maximum of four
Bang: I’m going to be a dad and a worker. I’ll have 3 kids and they’ll be little triplets.

6. What nice thing did you do for someone today?

Crash: Held the door for all my classmates because I was the last one out
Bang: Hugged Brenna.

7. What do you like most about yourself?

Crash: I like my good looks most
Bang: I like how I’m smart.

8. What do you like most about your brother?

Crash: That he entertains me and he sings in the church choir
Bang: He plays Bey Blades with me and loves me

9. What’s your earliest/first memory? (alt: What’s the most embarrassing thing I do?)

Crash: I remember we were doing wood for Guppie’s house, I was talking about MineCraft a lot and Guppie gave me money to buy Minecraft because I helped with the wood.
Bang: When I got stuck in the bathroom because I had soapy hands I couldn’t turn on the water to rinse my hands and I couldn’t open the door because my hands were too slippery. I layed on the floor crying.

10. What is the theme song for your life?

Crash: Castle on the Hill by Ed Sheeran
Bang: Don’t Stop the Music by Rhianna

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Z is for The End

I’m a day late on this one. Think of it as the Christmas gift that was forgotten about, lost under the tree. Or the one that arrives late in the mail. Or the one you had to buy yourself.

Anyway…

z

Whether you call it zee or zed it is for the end. It is the end of the alphabet. The Omega. It’s over. This is the last post in this year’s A to Z Challenge. Like all good things, this too must end.

Z is for the end of the day. The bedtime routine is painful, but once the kidlets are tucked in for reading time it’s one of my favorite times of the day. It’s quiet. It’s just us. We’re doing something we all enjoy that doesn’t involve running, jumping, screaming, hiding, or screens. Books are our portal to other worlds, other lives, and other times. Crash is reading the third book of Chris Colfer’s Land of Stories. He’s really enjoying them, even if he says he’s at slow part and nothing’s happening. Bang is really into the Puppy Place books by Ellen Miles. Just like days end, so too do books.

Sometimes we read a book and it’s ending makes feel like our bestie just moved away. Opening the book was like a visit from a friend. Like the world’s longest status update, we want to know what our friends are doing. We never want to get to Z, we never want it to end. It does, though, so we move on and find new friends in new books. For me that book was The Book Theif by Markus Zusak. Liesel and Rudy became a part of my every day for a while.

Days end. Books end. Lives end. Concerts end no matter how many times you chant “one more song”. So we start over. A fresh start, so to speak. We pick up the pieces and we move on. A new day is full of opportunities. Let’s make the most of it and dance!

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Y is for…

Our youth.

Once we have our own offspring to look after we realize we’re not as young as we used to be. Oh sure, we can keep up with the young’ns easy enough. But as the years past, so does our youthfulness. Our muscles need more and more time to recover after playing. We feel like we need more sleep. Hangovers last just a bit longer, too. You know you’re getting older when your aches and pains can predict the weather. Try as we may to hold on to those glory days, they will pass us by. Eventually our glory days fade into  golden years. Right now, I’m somewhere in between.

But it’s our youth that keep us young. Those heathens of ours will need to be entertained at some point. For me, that means 100+ pitches while they practice batting. It means playing catcher while they practice pitching. It means jumping on the trampoline so they can get launched. It means that when I go for a run they will want to ride their bikes and I may have to give them a push up a hill. It means lacing up my skates and hitting the ice with them. Now that I’m over 40, my body doesn’t recover like it used to. But if it weren’t for the youths in this household I wouldn’t be nearly as active as I am.

They keep me young, until I feel old.

W is for Questions…

WTH? I yelled to you 3 times. Selective hearing much?

WTF? Could you find a more annoying song? Seriously, DO NOT listen to Numnumnum (link to lyric video in case you wanted to know the words). WTF (*why*) he insists on playing it our Alexas is beyond me. I unplugged one of them so he couldn’t play it. What’s the most annoying song your kids make you listen to?

But this is Thursday and Thursdays are for questions. What, where, why, and when all begin with W. So let’s stop wasting time talking about the letter of the day and lets ask some questions.

1. Why are bees so important?

Crash: Because they pollinate the flowers and the flowers need to be pollinated to make more flowers and without flowers we couldn’t go to weddings.
Bang: Because they make nectar and honey for you

2. Where was Jesus born?

Crash: Jerusalem
Bang: In the stable

3. What is the largest mammal on Earth?

Crash: Elephant is the largest on land and largest anywhere is a blue whale
Bang: The dad grown-up black bear

4. Are there aliens somewhere in the universe?

Crash: Depends, right now we don’t know, but possibly.
Bang: No

5. If I gave you $20, what would you do with it?

Crash: Buy a $15 Google Play gift card and donate the rest to a charity.
Bang: Save it to buy a puppy

6. If you had your own museum, what would you put in it?

Crash: The history of video games.
Bang: It would be an animal museum – black bear bones, polar bear body, and an elephant skeleton in sections

7. If you had to buy yourself a gift that you couldn’t open for 5 years, what would you buy?

Crash: A car if I was old enough to drive, but I’m not. So I’d get the biggest TV I could
Bang: a baby bird in a box with holes for me to give it water and food

8. What would be something fun to fill a pool with to jump into?

Crash: A strawberry banana smoothie
Bang: corn starch water (to make nonnutonian fluid to walk on top of)

9. If you gave our family trophies, what would each of us get?

Crash: Me- for the best gamer, Bang- for being the most annoying, Dad- the best cooker and chore doer, Mom- for the best lover
Bang: Dad- bronze trophy for coming in 3rd in the car race, Mom- for coming in second in an ice cream eating race, Crash: For finishing his supper first, Me – for Gold, silver, and bronze for having the best questions in the world

10. Did you have any dreams last night?

Crash: As a matter of fact yes I did. There was a big Pokemon battle and I had Kyoger and the other guy had Groudon. Since one was fire type and one was water type, mine formed a big bubble and splashed it on Groudon. Then he was all wet, but it all evaporated off him then rained on him and evaporated and rained on him again, and so on. And it took all his energy away making the bubble evaporate.
Bang: No. I stayed awake all night.

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U is for…

Undivided. In it’s entirety. Whole. As parents it’s easy to understand why our children may not receive our undivided attention. Laundry. Cooking. Assembling trampolines (that what we did after school today). A phone call. We’re sitting on the toilet. However, when our children finally have our undivided attention, there’s no telling what might happen. Perhaps they’ll want to play a board game. Perhaps they’ll tell us what they did in school. Perhaps they’ll just want to tell us a story. Usually, they’ll have some piece of useless information they found out about whatever video game, or Pokemon they’re obsessing over. We’ll feign interest so they know that what they have to say is important to us no matter how mundane. When a kid hands you a toy phone you answer it. It’s the same with their stories. Sometimes the best thing we can give them is our time. After all, it’s the one thing that once we give we never get back.

Unconditional. Our children’s love comes with no strings attached. Our love for our children is nonnegotiable. From the time we find out we’re expecting to the first moment we hold them in our arms, our love grows exponentially.

Of course we’re going to have tough days, tough weeks. Perhaps some tough years, too. We don’t love them less. They are our children. Learning. Growing. There’s bound to be mistakes by child and parent alike. We pick each other up, dust each other off, apologize and move on. We continue to feed them, shelter them, love them. No matter how much we’d like to hang them from the clothesline for a few hours.