Questions I Asked My Kids: Ep 54

Thanks to Lucy over at Lucy at Home  for featuring little old me this week for last weeks Questions I Asked My Kids on her #BlogCrush post. For those visiting from there, welcome to my fun place. These questions are a weekly occurrence. To my faithful readers, welcome back. You know there is often hilarity here. We put the fun in dysfunctional and the chocolate in the freezer.

Feel free to let me know which answer made you laugh the most.

1. Why do we sneeze?

Crash: Cause it’s like a fart but it comes out our nose
Bang: Cause our lungs get mixed up with snot and air and the air takes the boogers out of your nose

2. What’s one food you would like to eat every day?

Crash: Cream frosted cupcakes
Bang: Apples because they’re so sweet and juicy (I get us Sweet Tangos)

3. What would you like to build out of snow this winter?

Crash: A big igloo like we do every year
Bang: Igloo

4. What’s the best thing about Christmas?

Crash: Spending time with family and friends, playing with The Polar Express train, and opening presents
Bang: Hanging out with the Elves and you get presents!

5. If you could have a body part of any animal, what part of what animal would you want?

Crash: Cat tail, cause then I couldn’t fall on my head
Bang: Goose legs because they have lots of leg bones

6. What’s your favorite Christmas decoration?

Crash: The Christmas tree and the Elves
Bang: The Snoopy house! (It was an inflatable Snoopy as the Red Baron atop his dog house)

7. How many chocolate chip cookies can you eat?

Crash: More than you can count
Bang: As much as I want

8. What do mom and dad do when we stay up late?

Crash: Watch Blind Spot or This Is Us or any other shows that you watch
Bang: Watch a movie, eat popcorn, and fart

9. What’s the one thing you want most for Christmas?

Crash: Super Mario Odyssey
Bang: Hatchimal

10. What color would you like our house to be?

Crash: Green with a big rainbow on the side
Bang: The color it is now… blue.

What are your kids asking for this year? Let me know below!

Come join the fun over on Twitter and Instagram and Facebook, too.



How To Tell If You’re A Parent

 You might be a parent if…

you’ve argued about socks
you had to explain the reason for washing hands after pooping
you get no sleep
you get sleep, but still wake up tired because you’re eternally sleepy
you’ve been peed, pooped, puked, or bled on
you have to be in three different places all at the same time
you could really use a free maid
you could really use a free cook and masseuse, too
you have answered the question “why” so many times you found a parallel universe
you can answer any question sufficiently enough to satisfy their curiosity without raising more questions
You thought you understood parenthood perfectly before you were a parent but now that you’re a parent you realize you know nothing about parenthood.

You might be a parent if you’ve ever asked…

Where are your pants?
Why are you naked?
Where’s your other sock?
What is all over the bathroom floor?
How did you get water on the ceiling?
Why are you sitting on your brother’s head?
Why did you put three DVDs into the DVD player?
Why did you think eating the whole thing was a good idea?
Who peed on the toilet seat?
What are you doing up at this hour of the morning?
Why are writing on the walls?
Did you ask your father/mother, yet?
Didn’t I answer that question already?
Why are you peeing outside when we have a perfectly good bathroom inside?
How many times do I need to tell you ___(Fill In The Blank)__?

You might be a parent if you’ve ever experienced a temper tantrum…

because their cup is the wrong color
because a sandwich was cut improperly
over a hotdog that has lines (or doesn’t have lines) on it
over a broken crayon
because someone looked at them
because it’s bedtime or because it’s bedtime!
because they have to brush their teeth
because you didn’t read the book “right”
because you didn’t pick the right shopping cart
because you cut their cheese into the wrong shape
because you didn’t put enough chocolate chips in the pancake
their food is too hot
their food is too cold
their food is too something else…

Come to think of it, you could easily replace “You might be a parent if” with “You might be tending to a drunk if” The similarities are uncanny.

Raising children is like caring for someone too drunk to know that the potato bin is not a toilet.

You know you’re a parent if…

your fridge and walls are decorated with the art of a child
listening to your kids fall asleep is among your favorite sounds
you secretly enjoy when your kids are sick because it means more snuggles
you receive little doses of love when you least expect it and it means all the world
you feel the hand of your child in yours and think all is right with the world
you stop what you’re doing to answer a pretend phone call
listen intently, like you really do care about Minecraft (or whatever else you couldn’t care less about but have to pretend you love so as not to offend)
at the end of the day, all the frustrations, all the arguments, and questions, and exausting coversation, all that really matter are the little hearts that love you more than anything in the whole wide world… all the way to Jupiter and back.

For more fun, follow me on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook


Lucy At Home

Tomorrow is Another Day…

Have you ever wanted to kill kids? The medieval times apparently had some great techniques. I have a far better killing device than whatever that dark, demented era ever thought up…


Yep, here we go again. First, I should give credit where credit is due. The boys helped us clean yesterday. The kitchen, the living room, one vacuumed the floors and the other vacuumed the stairs, and they put their clean laundry away. They mooed moaned about it at first, but once they got started they rocked and rolled and I was impressed. Today, after skating, I asked them to clean up their toys in the basement. I was less than impressed.

Dear Lord in Heaven, I thought WWIII or armageddon or the zombie apocalypse was upon us. The noise that was emanating from down there was heard three counties over, I’m sure. One would stop cleaning and the other would start yelling that he stopped. One would start singing and other would yell to stop singing. One would throw a block and the other would yell about it. Then they’d both coming running to be the first to tattletale.

I would tell them I didn’t want to hear it from either of them, to get back down there and finish cleaning, and I would return to cleaning the kitchen. They’d storm back down. Then the fighting would resume. They knew they had until suppertime (an hour from when they started) to get it clean. It could have taken them fifteen minutes. After an hour, they had barely started. After supper, I asked, “How many garbage bags should I take to the basement? Will I fit what’s left to clean in just one or should I take more?” The reply I got was zero (which is a number and it’s even) and they went back down to clean.

Can you believe they started fighting again? So at 6pm they were sent to their room to get pajamas on and get ready for bed.

We were done.

Now the basement door is locked and their toys are off limits. DW and I will go through them and round up all the ones they no longer play with and relocate them to a new home or toss them to the curb if they’re no good.

So today was just one of those days. They usually happen around this time of year. You would think with Christmas coming and the prospect of Santa and joy and decorations and music that happiness would abound. Alas, no. The stress and the pressure build up like magma under the volcano until it all erupts.

The silver lining? I have evidence that the 10 year old still believes. When I told him I was collecting his toys in garbage bags he told me that I could explain to Santa why all their toys were thrown out.

Now they’re asleep. There’s no more arguing and bickering. All is quiet. There’s even a dusting of snow outside. Even if it won’t last because it’s supposed to be 9 (48F) on Wednesday, it’s still calming to look at.

Here’s to starting over tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day. I just hope it’s not another day of sibling rivalry.

For all the fun stuff, follow me on Instagram (Crash pretending to be Frosty) or on Facebook or Twitter.

Sunday Share: Week 47

We’re down to just 29 sleeps. Exactly 4 weeks from today will be Christmas Eve. The weather here is balmy (literally) 12 degrees Celsius (53F). It was like that yesterday, too. We spent yesterday day hanging Christmas lights and decorating outside. For me, it was an excellent excuse to hang out on the roof (see my Instagram for that photo op). While you’re there you might as well follow me because our Elves will be returning on Friday and you’re not going to want to miss the shenanigans they get into. I will be posting their daily antics in what I call “The Daily Elf”.

Now if you’ll excuse me, Bang is pretending to be Joseph and he needs a wise man.

His Girl Friday
On letting kids be kids this Christmas…

Mom Maintenance
On starting the blogging journey…

Ipuna Black
No matter which walk of life you are from, walk with kindness…

Where Are Your Pants
The dilemma over cell phones, bras, and boys can teach us as much about parenting as it does our kids about life…

Ah Dad
What do you do when the birds set off your house alarm? Make birdpie…

p.s. I LOVE sharing your posts. All I ask for is a simple thanks (and perhaps share this wherever you feel like sharing). 

In case you were looking for me elsewhere on social media, look no further than Twitter and Facebook!


Questions I Asked My Kids

I hope all my American family and friends enjoyed a very happy Thanksgiving. I miss the days of gathering at Grandma’s house. We’d feast, we’d slip into a turkey coma for a bit then we’d play some football in the front yard. I wish the boys were able to experience it, too. Not to worry though, we’ve got our own traditions going. We normally cook a turkey and stuff today to celebrate. However, today was just too crazy. This weekend will be for putting up outdoor decorations. As of this typing the only decorations we have up are the count down chain that’s currenly at 32 more sleeps. Have you started decorating yet?

1. What would be the best Christmas present for you?

Crash: A million bucks

Bang: Bey Blade Burst

2. What would be the worst Christmas present for you to get?

Crash: underwear

Bang: Coal, sticks and blueberries

3. What’s your favorite smell?

Crash: The lemon orange and cinnamon you boil on the stove

Bang: Hockey players

4. What’s your favorite thing about dad?

Crash: That you have cool glasses

Bang: That he’s really skinny, too, and not fluffy

5. What’s your favorite thing about mom?

Crash: That she lays with me for a long time at bedtime

Bang: That’s she’s really fluffy

6. Where is your favorite place in the house?

Crash: Living room where the Nintendo Switch is

Bang: In the basement or living room

7. Where is your favorite place to hide when we play Hide-n-Seek?

Crash: In the box in my closet

Bang: Basement corner in the toy room

8. What’s your favorite time of the day?

Crash: I like it from 8:30 to 4:30

Bang: When we have gym at school

9. What’s your favorite word?

Crash: Lightning

Bang: Boobies

10. What part of your body is your favorite?

Crash: My Hair

Bang: My ribs

If you ever question where else you can you find me, look no further than Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.


Letters to my Daughter

What month we’d phase out, in 6 words

Eli, the Coach Daddy, wanted to cross a month off the calendar, but he wasn’t sure which one. So he asked his strange blogger friends which month they would erase and why. With just six words, we told him…

Please visit the original post to leave a comment…

Just a dad ...

stormtrooper rey bojangles (2)

This month, we’re editing months.

GAD GRAPHICWhich makes no sense, if you could see my life right now. It entails zero time to do things I love – namely, converse with my blogging friends and eat enchiladas. I even had to alter my procedure for Six Words to get enough entries this month.

Normally, I invite people by email after I’ve visited their blog – or answer email sent to me asking for the prompt.

This month, I read fewer blogs than I could eat enchiladas. So I sent out word by social media. The response was strong! Once a month, as you know, I ask strangers, friends, bloggers, and strange blogger friends to respond to a prompt in six words.

View original post 535 more words

Go Ask Your Father: Howling, Mia, Seasons, and Zero

They’re getting married! Bang and the neighbor’s 9 year old daughter are getting hitched April 5th. They’ve spent two days planning it, too. They’ve set a $60 budget and have planned a menu of grilled cheese and ice cream sandwiches with sticky hot fudge. The planned ceremony is to take place in the backyard where I’m the priest (I’m to end the ceremony by saying “You may not kiss the bride”), Crash is a watcher because he’s rude (though he might get to be the best man) and the bride’s sister will be a flower girl. The young couple will then honeymoon at one of two public pools here in town.

Then they’re going to get divorced. Why?
So they can get married again!

It seems they want a wedding, not a marriage.

1. What the difference between a coyote call and a wolf call?

The long distance charges. Those wolves call family to family and they’re always calling long distance collect. Coyotes howl as part of pack behaviour. If the howling is all at one high note, it’s for calling the family together. Coyote packs are usually smaller than wolf packs, usually with no more than half a dozen coyotes joining in the conversation. You can tell the pack has arrived when the howling gets higher in pitch, mixed in with high-pitched yelps and yips. Howling is also used to warn rival coyote packs away from a pack’s territory, like Jets and Sharks. There’s westside coyotes and Eastside Coyotes. Or maybe it’s the Greasers and Socials in coyote Outsiders.

Wolf howls are far more sophisticed. They speak proper, very unlike the slang those Westside coyotes howl. Wolf packs are rarely smaller than a dozen and can have as many as thirty six. They will harmonize with each other to bluff rival packs into thinking they’re bigger than they really are. Howling isn’t just for family calls, sometimes it’s for business. Hunting howls are the shortest and highest pitch of the wolf howls. While coyotes howl on one, high pitch, the wolves howl alternate between two pitches. When they’re very close to their prey it almost turn to a bark. I’ve kayaked with whales and dolphins but hearing a wolf howl would rank even higher in lifetime achievements for me.

2. When did Mia Hamm stop playing?

Ahh, Mia. I may have had crush on her in high school. I got all glassy eyed my freshman year in high school back in ’91 when Hamm played in her first World Cup in China. She was a powerhouse on the pitch. She’s done big things for women’s soccer and women athlete in general. And I’m not just talking about winning two Olympic gold medals and two women’s world cups. She’s helped bring women’s sports to the forefront. She helped shine light on the discrepencies in the pay scale between male and female athletes. She held the record for most international goals scored by a man or woman until 2013. Now she trails third behind teammate Abby Wombach and Canadian Christine Sinclair. Still respectable. She’s been inducted into four halls of fame. She is now co-owner of The Los Angeles FC and a global embassador for Barcelona FC. Her last game was August 26, 2004 where she led the team to a gold medal in the Olympic games in Athens. Now, if she’d just give me a howl call I’d mark that as a lifetime achievement even higher than kayaking with whales and dolphins.

3. Why do we have seasons?

Baseball season. Hockey season. Dear season. Christmas season. The dreaded tax season. Of course, these aren’t the right seasons. I think we all have a favorite. I like them all. Until the end of them, that is. I enjoy summer, but by September I’m ready for cooler weather and all the things of fall. Same goes for the other three seasons. There is a reason for all the changes, though. The Earth is tilted on its axis, like drunk trying stand. This creates times when the northern hemisphere is receiving direct sunlight and other times the south gets it. The way I liked to explain it to my fourth graders is to imagine a bon fire being the sun. You hold your hands up to it to warm them. However, if you hold your hands directly over it you’ll probably get burned. That’s the difference between summer and winter. If the Earth were not tilted it would be spring eternal. It has nothing to do with distance. The northern hemisphere is actually closer to the sun in winter. In winter, I snuggle a little closer to my little furnace, DW, too.

4. Is zero even a number?

There are imaginary numbers, which we use to do squares and square roots of negative numbers. There are real numbers, too. Those are all the numbers that have a home on a number line. There are rational and irrational numbers. Rational numbers can be expressed as a fraction, decimal, or whole number. Irrational number cannot be expressed as a fraction. Like pi, they are decimals that go on and on and on on an irrational rant. Zero is real, found on a number line smack dab between 1 and -1. It’s rational. You can add, subtract, and multiply by zero. You can divide zero (just don’t try to divide by zero, the universe will implode). So yes, zero is a number. It’s the exact amount of dessert you’ll get if you don’t eat your supper. It’s exactly how many f***s I give that your friends don’t have to do chores and get to stay up late. It also happens to be the number of times you’ll win an argument with me or your mother, young man.

Speaking of numbers, there are three more places you can stalk follow me: Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.

Sunday Share: Week 46

I’m here to remind you that Christmas is now quickly approaching. Relatively speaking, anyway. There are just 36 more sleeps. That’s five weeks and a day. Five more Sundays! One hand, I’ll miss some traditions we used to have. On the other hand, I’m more excited for this Christmas than in Christmases past. I can almost smell the cinnamon rolls baking in the oven and the coffee and tea brewing in the Keurig.

I just hope we make it past 6 am…

Till then, happy reading!

True North Nomad
Never give up hope, even when hope is all that’s left…

Stories of Four Boys
When your classroom seems to be all boys, yet they still break your heart..

Old House in the Shires
Advice from a teacher for when your child is stressed about going to school…

Mom of Two Little Girls
Sometime we laugh with our kids. Sometimes we laugh at our kids…

Humor Columnist Blog
She tells the history of Thanksgiving like she was actually there… sort of…

You can also find me on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. Let’s connect!


Questions I Asked My Kids: ep55

1. If you opened a store what would you name it and what would you sell?

Crash: I would name it RC Cars and Trucks and and sell remote controlled vehicles – cars, trucks, hamsters, drones…
Bang: I would sell cans of soda, chips, some cakes and name it “The Junk Store”

2. If you could grow anything in the garden, what would you grow?

Crash: Jack’s giant beanstalk
Bang: More of me

3. If your stuffie could talk, what would it say?

Crash: He would say a lot of stuff like Lets play Minecraft and Can we snuggle?
Bang: I love you (and mom and dad, too)

4. If you were to draw me a picture right this instant, what would you draw?

Crash: I would draw that car on TV that goes 360 miles per hour
Bang: Scribbles

5. What sound do you like?

Crash: Chicken noises
Bang: Cats purring and sneezing dogs and cannons blowing off because they’re sounds I can make

6. If you could ask a wild animal anything what would you ask it?

Crash: I would ask a cheetah, “Can I adopt you?” so when I miss the bus we can zoom there
Bang: I’d ask a giraffe to lift me way way high

7. If animals could drive, which one would be the most fun to ride with?

Crash: An elephant
Bang: A giraffe


8. What are three things you want to do this winter?

Crash: Build an igloo, have a snowball fight, and snowboard
Bang: Snowball fight, jump in gigantic snow piles and biff Frizbees

9. What do you want to be when you grow up?

Crash: A racecar driver… actually no. A robot designer
Bang: A cat sitter

10. What’s the funniest word you know?

Crash: Quack
Bang: Poopy (then whispers “type a-r-s-e”)