Go Ask Your Father: Moonwalk, Tides, Earthquakes, and Hot Light Bulbs

I’ve had a guitar for 14 years. Guess how many complete songs I can play…

If you guessed one, your guess is too high. I can read basic music thanks to my years of playing trumpet in elementary and some middle school. I like the guitar because of it’s portability. I had a violin for a bit, too. I didn’t learn anything that because, well, it sucked. I know it’s the poor craftsman who blames his tools, but a music friend of my parents played it and said it wasn’t worth the wood it was built. Lately, though, I’ve come to really enjoy listening to the piano. I was substituting in a music class yesterday and girl played the chorus of Believer by Imagine Dragons and it was really neat to hear. That got me hooked so I found a YouTuber, a 14 year old named Sarah who played an incredible version of it. Even my boys loved it.

I can play the piano. With one hand behind my back (because I don’t use it anyway). I play all the classics… Mary had a Little Lamb, Frere Jacques, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.

1. What’s a moonwalk?

Of course, Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin and their 10 friends who have actually been to the moon (no, it’s not a conspiracy… Buzz punched a guy who thought it was therefore it is not). The real moonwalk was done 240,000 miles closer to home. It was right here on our planet Earth to be precise. The earliest recorded instance of the famed dance move is by Cab Calloway in 1932. They called it “The Buzz” 37 years before Buzz did his moonwalk. It was performed by many throughout the years by such stars as Judy Garland, Dick Van Dyke, and James Brown. It gained it’s infamy when Michael Jackson performed it during his televised event, Motown 25: Yesterday, Today, Forever where it became his signature move. It’s a move in which the dancer moves backwards but appears to be walking forward. There are Youtube videos that teach you how to do it.

2. What are tides?

They’re not the orange jugs of laundry soap. They’re not the pods that you need to keep locked and stored out of reach of kids who think the colorful bauble of soap might be candy. The Earth’s tides have to do with water, but not the cold water washing machine cycle. The tides are the ebb and flow, the movement of the water onto and away from the shoreline. Like that morning we went to the beach and the water was really close to us, but after lunch it was far away from our blanket and umbrella. We can thank the moon for that. The moon’s gravity pulls at the oceans of the Earth like little brothers pull big sister’s hair.

The moon’s gravity pulls at the Earth and the oceans’ water is able to move significantly as result. The water is pulled toward the moon. The gravity of the moon also makes the Earth wobble just a bit. Imagine the water moving UP the side of a glass that you are moving in a circle on the kitchen table. That up water in the glass would correlate with high tide on the Earth. As the moon orbits the Earth the oceans facing the sun are also pulled toward it. Simultaneously, the pull of the moon and slosh created by the wobble are on opposite sides of the Earth. As the Earth rotates through those two points the tides rise and fall.

3. Do we get earthquakes here?

Nope. Thankfully. Mexico is still cleaning up their mess. I’m not sure Haiti and Nepal have fully recovered, either. You see, here in Atlantic Canada we don’t live near any fault lines. Fault lines are where techtonic plates of different continental masses rub together. We are on that little land mass just above the i in Carribbean. A couple years ago a small quake was detected about 400 miles off shore of Newfoundland. We didn’t feel a thing and I never heard about any tidal surges because of it. Looking at the fault lines it’s not hard to imagine why New Zealand and California, among other places that lie on the fault lines, are always shaken (and not stirred).

4. Why do some lights get hot and others don’t?

Have you ever touched an incandescent bulb after it has been on for a bit? It’s a lesson you learn real quick. If you’re a man you’re going to try to be tough through the pain so you can get that bulb changed. If you’re a woman you’ll have the sense to use oven mitts or just wait for it to cool off. In an incandescent bulb, a filament acts as a resistor and heats up. It gets to about 4,600 degrees Farenheit to be exact. For comparison, lava is only 2,200 degrees F. This high heat creates some visible light. 90% of an incandescent bulb is heat and 5% is infered light. The other 5% is visible light. I highly suggest you switch to LED lights. Less electricity, less heat, same amount of light.

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Questions I Asked My Kids: Ep49

In case you haven’t looked at a calendar recently, today is Thursday. That means questions. This being the 49th, thereby the next being the 50th (I’m a math whiz like that), I have a little something planned for next week. Then two weeks after that will be the 52nd. One year of questions and I still haven’t asked them as many as they asked me today. As always, feel free to ask your kids, spouse, parents, some one elses kids or spouse or parents these questions. Just remember to tag me so I can get a laugh, too…

Now it’s time for some Grey’s Anatomy. Have you seen “The Good Doctor”? That’s the one about the autistic doctor. It’s really good. And, of course, “This Is Us” is just amazeballs.

1. Who is your favorite movie character?

Crash: R2D2
Bang: Stitch

2. If you could wake up tomorrow with a superpower, what superpower would you want to have?

Crash: Superspeed, fast motion mode so I could things really fast and really really neatly like clean the basement because that usually takes me an hour or two.
Bang: Super huge fists so I could punch bandits in the face

3. If you could have any 3 wishes granted, what would you wish for?

Crash: To meet DanTDM (Minecraft Youtuber), go on my tablet whenever I want, and that Nan would heal her arm faster (She broke her arm/shoulder last Friday)
Bang: More video games, To be in grade 4 so I could be an alter server, and stay up late every night

4. If all your clothes could only be one color, what color would you choose?

Crash: Green
Bang: Green… NO! blue.

5. If you could be a sound, what would it be?

Crash: Most likely a siren or a dirt bike engine
Bang: Hee Haw! like a donkey

6. What is the funniest thing that ever happened to you?

Crash: I was hit in the head by dad with a snowball while I was running away from him.
Bang: I haven’t even a clue… OH! I made Sharon (in the church choir) laugh by putting my fingers up to show her how charged my memory was for singing

7. If you could choose a new name for yourself, what would it be, and why?

Crash: Rhyman, because it’s my username for everything
Bang: Superman because I have a superman shirt and blue shorts…. or blackman because he saves people

8. What’s the coolest thing you saw someone do today?

Crash: I saw Terry (the school’s building manager) on the roof
Bang: My teacher did a magic trick. He put a red marker in his pocket then pulls out a black marker. But I knew how he did it beacuse he pulled it out of a different pocket

9. What are you proudest of in your life?

Crash: My name and my scar on my chest
Bang: That I sing in the church choir

10. If you could attach an animal part to yourself, what animal part would you want to have?

Crash: Either a cat tail or a fox tail, but probably a fox tail
Bang: I would want turkey feathers to tickle mom and say gobble gobble

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Questions I Asked My Kids: Ep48

Canadian Thanksgiving is just around the corner. Monday, to be precise. One day of work left until we hit homestretch. Tomorrow, I’ll be in a 1st and 2nd grade French class. Those 6 and 7 year olds will know far more French than I do. Unless they ask, “Puis-je aller aux toilettes?” I won’t have a clue what they’re saying. So they’ll get to speak English. They’ll be thankful for that. And so will I. There’s that silver lining I love so much.

1. If we had an airplane to take us on vacation right now, where would we go?

Crash: Legoland
Bang: South Korea

2. If we could go to Halifax but couldn’t use a car to get there, how do you think we could get there?

Crash: Giraffe because we could see everything since they’re so tall. I would name mine Steve.
Bang: In a plane

3. If you could have any animal in the world as a pet, where would you go to get it and what would it be?

Crash: I would get an eagle or a fox and I would get them from Hope for Wildlife.
Bang: It would be a giraffe and I would get it at the zoo so I could high high high and look in his mouth to see its 20 inch tongue

4. If you could do something just like your friend what would you do?

Crash: Stay up until 1:00 in the morning Snap Chatting
Bang: Speak French like Nolan. I can’t speak French, but I can speak British.

5. If you could change anything about school what would it be?

Crash: The amount of recess and phys. ed. time. More of both!
Bang: We don’t have to do work. We would play instead.

6. If you could change your name, would you want to and what name would you choose instead?

Crash: Luke, I guess.
Bang: Repooc

7. If you could build anything in the backyard, what would it be?

Crash: I would build a massive tree house that is significantly big with 3 stories.
Bang: I would build a wooden dog because I want a dog.

8. What’s your favorite smell?

Crash: Cookies or pizza
Bang: Bath bombs and mom’s perfume

9. Did anything happen in school to make you laugh?

Crash: Yeah. sort of… it was on the bus. Me and Matthew were sitting next to each other and we weren’t talking about real people, but we said if there were any girls who liked us but we didn’t like them we’d say, “here kiss my hand”.
Bang: Telling funny jokes on the teeter totter

10. What should we make a video about with the GoPro?

Crash: A video of me on my skateboard on a really big ramp at a skate park
Bang: Make a video about building Lego. I’ll build a windmill.

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Go Ask Your Father: The First Baby, Bugatti Buying, A Thumbprint, and Helicopters

The littlest one is our philosopher, a thinker. He stumped me with a question this morning…

If we all start as babies who can’t do anything by ourselves, how did the first baby grow up to be an adult?

Huh? Really? You’re asking me who raised the first baby? I don’t even know who the first baby was. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t my father. My only response was counter-intuitive

There was always an adult before the baby to raise them…

Logically, how does that answer even make sense? If all chickens come from eggs, how was there a chicken to lay the first egg to raise the egg into a chicken? If all pumpkins come from seeds, how was there a seed made for that first pumpkin? There had to be a first, right? You can’t go infinitely back in time. Can you?

Now I’m sitting here wondering why I’m me and not, lets say, a pumpkin. Or a fish. Or a donkey…

Or someone else entirely. Or nobody at all…

1. Where can you buy a Bugatti?

Nowhere. They’re just slightly out of our price range by a million or so…

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First you have to find a dealership that will sell you a Bugatti. For us, the nearest one is a 12 hour drive. Then you simply start a conversation with a sales rep. Through conversation, the trained rep will pick up on cues that you either a) a serious buyer or b) just browsing. After a talk that could last either 20 minutes or 5 hours depending on how much bragging you care to do about your car collection, yachts, art, real estate around the world, etc… you will have the chance to take one for a test drive. This will set you back about $300,000. JUST FOR A TEST DRIVE! They will fly you, via private jet, to the test drive track. Once you’ve committed to buying you will be sent to the factory where they are built buy hand in an extremely clean environment. This will set you back an additional $2.2 million. Once financed, your Bugatti Chiron will be delivered between 18 and 36 months.

But that’s a small price to pay to drive 250 miles per hour and use a tank of gas in 12 minutes.

2. How did they make mom’s necklace with Guppie’s Thumbprint?

grand-rim_with_rim_ssMom’s pendant urn was made by a jeweler. First they came to get his thumbprint at the hospital. They used a digital scanner to get it. Doing it digitally means they’ll always have it on file. Then they made the pendant itself and loaded the thumbprint file into a computer. The computer then used an etcher to engrave his thumbprint into the pendant. Now mom can have a piece of Guppie and his thumbprint wherever she goes.

3. How high can a helicopter fly?

In 2005, Didier Delsalle piloted a record flight to the summit of Everest at 29,035 feet. However, flying this high is more dependant on the engine’s ability to use the thin air than the rotors’ ability to provide lift. With less air at the higher altitude the rotors have less to push down own. Think of jumping off the ground versus jumping off an inflatable raft in the pool. There’s less resistance below you on the raft which will make it very difficult to gain any height. Whereas, if jump off the deck an into the pool you’ll fly much higher and farther. But also, with the thinner air at higher altitudes, the engine creates less energy as well. Without proper combustion the rotors will slow down. That’s why cars don’t work underwater – there’s no air. A turbine helicopter engine can generally reach 25,000 feet. For comparison, the highest airliner flight was 60,000 feet.

If you’re questioning where to find me look on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.

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9 Questions I Asked My Kids: Ep 47

It’s a short week this week. I’ve been working steady which is good. Yay money! I’m still trying to figure out how our house gets so messy while we’re all in school all day. I’m still trying to figure out when I’m going to have time to clean it. There’s no school tomorrow so I’ll be home all day. So will the kids. Have you ever cleaned while your kids were home? You’d have better luck vacuuming the backyard.

Normally I ask the boys these questions at seperate times so they won’t copy each other’s answers. Tonight, in order to save time, they answered together. Hence, you might find some similar answers. Sorry, not sorry. I’m ready for bed.

As always, feel free to ask your kids these questions. Age is just a number so it doesn’t matter if your kids are 3 or 53. Just be sure to post their answers and tag me so I can read them. We could all use a good laugh.

Here’s yours…

1. What is a good age to have kids?

Crash: 30

Bang: 59 … no wait. 68

3. What something you wish you could do better?

Crash: Play Minecraft in survival mode

Bang: Swim

4. If you wrote a book, what would you name the main character and where would he go?

Crash: Rhylan and he would go to the land of Minecratia

Bang: Mom and she would go to a different house

5. What is your favorite thing to do?

Crash: Play Minecraft

Bang: Play MinecrIt’s aft with my brother

6. If you could design a t-shirt, what would you draw or write on it?

Crash: My famous YouTube name, Rhyman2007. I’m famous because I have 41 subscribers.

Bang: A pie in the face

7. What was your favorite part of school, today?

Crash: Building a fort with my brother and our friend

Bang: Watching teachers get a pie in the face to raise money for Terry Fox

8. If you could do something like Dad/Mom do, what would you want to be able to do?

Crash: I would stay up late every night and play Minecraft

Bang: Make supper I would make fish

9. If the story of YOU became a movie, how would the movie end?

Crash: It would end as me saving my brother from the Minecraft world he was stuck in

Bang: Me playing Minecraft with my brother

10. Do you have any jokes to tell me?

Crash: Why did Adele cross the road?

To say hello from the other side!

Bang: Knock knock

Who’s there?

Chicken

Chicken who?

Oh no! A chicken pooped chicken nuggets and fries!

What I Learned While Coaching Baseball

We played nine games and ended up with a 4-5 record. Almost 500. We didn’t make the playoffs, the end-of-the-year tournament. That was for the top 8 teams. We were 9th. It was a really fun season, though.

Here’s what I know now that I didn’t know then…

Take that chance

Kids want to have fun. Winning is fun. Do you play the kids where they CAN play in order to win or where they WANT to play in order to have the maximum amount of fun? Try to find that middle ground. I think I managed. We had fun. Okay, we didn’t win more than we lost. But this is “just house league” baseball. Everyone plays. No one doesn’t make a team. So let them play. One kid asked to pitch but I didn’t think the kid was capable. I found out later they were more than capable. I didn’t know what that player was really capable of doing because I didn’t take that chance.

Don’t lose your ducks

Get your ducks in a line before they all start telling you where to put them on the field. They all want to pitch and play 1st base. When you have a dozen players you can’t have 6 pitchers and 6 first basemen. Someone has to play the outfield. In house league baseball only one in a thousand hits makes it to the outfield. It’s as boring as watching the outfield grass grow. So get organized before it all falls apart and you’re scrambling not get your ducks in line, but scambling just to find your ducks.

There’s always the next inning

Patience. Baseball is already a game of patience, but if you’re not patient with the kids, you’ve already destroyed the first rule – to have fun. So your team is having an off day at the plate or your pitchers are having an off day on the mound. Off days happen. Mama said there’d be days like this. Take a deep breath, shout a few words of encouragement, and move on to the next inning. Turn your hat around, kick some dust, do the hokey pokey. That’s what it’s all about.

One inning at a time

Sometimes things work out – you tie the game at a crucial point. Sometimes they don’t – you give up the winning run in the last inning. Sometimes there will be surprises (when the new kid hits a double). But no matter what, you gotta roll with it. Take the ups, the downs, the four run innings. In the game of baseball, as in the game of life, there will be good times, rough times, and times that take you completely by surprise. Enjoy every minute of it. Except the bad times. You can laugh at those later. You just have to take it one inning at a time.

Make it happen

You have more power, strength, and lucky than you think. You can make a strike out feel like a home run because at least the kid was swinging and not running from the ball. Or you can make a single feel like slap in the face because an experienced player swung at a wild pitch. You can make a team work together. Or you can let them fight over positions. You can make an out seem like a miracle. But you will never make outfield the place everyone wants to play. With a little ingenuity and the right words you can make anything happen. Make someone’s day or ruin it. Make your own day and not let anyone ruin it.

Go Ask Your Father: Mail, Pool Vacuums, Microscopes, and Supernovas

DW started her day at the park planting trees. She planted tree trees. That’s Cape Bretonese meaning “three trees”. Afterward, we went to finish splitting some firewood for my step-mom-in-law. We just call her Nanny Sharon. It only took about an hour and half to finish it as we already put in 4 hours splitting last week. Little Bang loved running the splitter and helping to throw the split wood onto the pile. Big Crash helped with that part, too.

After lunch we started stacking it in her basement. Her basement will hold a half a winter’s worth, or more, of wood. Our little work horse continued helping for another couple of hours. His big brother sat inside entertaining the cats.

Two kids with the same parents yet they have polar opposite work ethics.

1. How does a letter know where to go?

The owls just know. It’s magic.

It starts at the post office where you drop your letter off. Usually, the letters we mail are the ones the boys wrote to their cousins. A week or so later they get a reply. It’s like magic. Anyway, the post office sorts the mail by postal code (zip code for you Americans, except here in Canadaland we have letters and numbers). Once they’re sorted they’re sent to a processing plant that is nearest to that postal code. The processing plant has special cameras that can read the printed address and will sort the letters based on the postal code. This sorting enables the letters to be sent to the post office that handles that particular code. The post office receives the letter, and will either place the letter in the correct mail slot if it’s a post office box or send it on it’s way with the mail carrier who will deliver it to the correct mailbox. I’d send post by owl if I could just catch one.

2. How does the pool vacuum work?

This came to us over the summer where Bang learned to swim without a life jacket. Their pool vacuum looked like a giant ladybug. I won’t lie, it was pretty cute. Naturally, Bang was curious about it. Oddly, it works in much the same way as a household vacuum. A pump inside the unit creates suction. The water, dirt, and debris are sent by hose to the pool skimmer (where to look when you lose anything that floats, ie my wife). The pool skimmer will filter out the dirt, debris, and wife and send the cleaned water back into the pool. The little robot wanders around the bottom of the pool sucking up water and dirt like it’s their job.

3. Is this microscope powerful enough to see blood cells?

First off, you need to know there are two kinds of microscopes, compound and stereo. A compound microscope is good for magnifying the tiny details of the material being observed. It has one eyepiece. A stereo microscope generally has a lowered powered magnification for bettert view of whole materials – pollen, rock crystals, etc… – in 3D. It has 2 eyepieces.

Our little compound microscope that DW brought home from her classroom with a highest magnification of 200x? Nope, no blood cells will be seen with this. It would be the equivalent of SETI (Search for Extra Terrestrial Intelligence) using binoculars. It’s just not strong enough. We can look at onion skin, salt, sugar, lettuce veins, fly’s wings, and a freezie wrapper. The printing on the wrapper reveals it’s printed with dots. You need a magnification of no less than 400x to see blood cells. You’ll need the same magnification to see sperm.

4. How big are supernovas?

In the night sky, they’re tiny. They look like stars, if you’re lucky enough to spot one. I have Googled the shit out of this one and the best I can come up with for an answer is “They are the largest explosions in space”. Thanks NASA for that generalization. We have no worries about our sun going supernova on us. It doesn’t have enough mass. However, once it runs out of fuel it will swell to a red giant and vaporize Earth before it shrivels into a white dwarf (Sleepy or Tyrion?). There are two types of supernova. In type one, a star collects matter from a nearby star until a runaway nuclear reaction ignites the explosion. In type two, a star runs out of nuclear fuel and collapses under its own gravity. They eject matter up to 25,000 miles per second. That’s around the Earth’s equator in one second. It’s also how fast I come running when someone hollers, “I’ve got chocolate!”

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I haven’t gone supernova yet, so you can still find me on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.

Questions I Asked My Kids

If you are a parent of kid who can talk, you know how many questions they can asked in the run of a day. If you’re good you can answer the question truthfully and in such a way they can understand without raising more questions. However, once you’re aboard the question train, there’s no getting off. There’s no telling when your next stop will be.

It’ll be somewhere between 4th question and doubting your own existence.

To get even, I ask them some questions in return. Unfortunately, it has slightly backfired. They now look forward to Thursday question day. Sometimes they ask if we can do Thursday questions on Tuesday. I’ve come to enjoy it. I learn a little bit more about them and how those gears turn in their little heads.

As always, feel free to ask your own kids these questions. Or any questions. This is the 46th time I’ve asked them. Just make sure you tag me in your post so I can read their answers!

1. What would be the awesomest thing to build out of Lego?
Crash: A really big house that is my size that I didn’t have to pay rent and had a lock on it
Bang: A skyscraper for real life so you can go up and see the whole world. But no stomping!

2. What animal would be the most fun to ride?
Crash: A frog if it was the right size for me to ride. It would be fun to ride Yoshi too
Bang: A camel

3. What animal would you NOT want to ride?
Crash: Turtle because they’re slow
Bang: Rhinoceros

4. How would you learn if you didn’t go to school?
Crash: Home schooled
Bang: Do school at home

5. What song will you request to listen to in the truck?
Crash: Glorious by Macklemore
Bang: Blue Bells by AC/DC

6. What would be a cool flavor for toothpaste?
Crash: Goldfish
Bang: Pop (Coke)

7. If I wrote a book about you, what should I call it?
Crash: Crash the Smart, Awesome, and Dabbing Person
Bang: I’m Awesome (DW says it should be called “Cranky MacCranky Pants)

8. What causes earthquakes?
Crash: When two parts of islands collide and it shakes them
Bang: When the earth gets too shaky from too much wind or it’s spinning too fast

9. How many M&M’s do you think will fit in your mouth?
Crash: 150
Bang: 15 million because I love M&M’s
DW: All of them

10. What do you think of mom and dad’s new glasses?
Crash: Yours are sorta funky looking but they’re cool at the same time and mom’s make her look pretty
Bang: Perfect and perfect

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I Have My Glasses On

I had it a minute ago. I don’t know where it is now.

You may have noticed (but probably didn’t, but a million points to you if you did) that I changed my gravatar. That’s my photo that shows up everywhere I leave a comment. I changed it because I got my new glasses today. They’re orange.

That doesn’t mean I’ll be able to find stuff without asking DW. I swear, when I look for stuff it’s not where I look. As soon as she looks in the exact same location I did *POOF* whatever I was looking for is there in the exact spot was I looking.

It wasn’t there when I looked!

I’m convinced that she moves it so she can claim it was there the whole time. Or she’s a Jedi and enjoys playing those mind tricks on me. I’m more susceptible than a storm trooper to Jedi mind tricks. I can’t blame her, though. It would be fun to play mind tricks on me so I’m going with that option.

She’s a Jedi.

So now I have these new glasses and I still won’t be able to find stuff. It’s a genetic trait, unfortunately. My dad had it. I have it. Now, both Crash and Bang have it. I think they have it worse than I do. Must be the “mom curse” (thanks mom). Now I’m frustrated that I have to go show them whatever it was they were looking for is exactly where I’m telling them look for it. When they look, it’s not there. Hell, I’ve pointed directly at the item in question and the best they can do is spin in circles with their eyes closed.

“I don’t see it anywhere!”

I’ve had glasses for about 6 years. I discovered I needed them when I went for my physical for immigration to Canada. The doctor told me to read the chart with my left eye and I had no problem. Then he told me to read it with my right and the chart disappeared. I couldn’t find it even though I saw it a minute ago. Fast forward a couple years and I sort of kind of lost my first pair of glasses. It wasn’t my fault, though. DW and I were out kayaking with my aunt. It was a calm, quiet little river with lots of turtles and birds and a beaver someone mistakenly thought was a bear. There were also bugs. When one had the nerve to land on my ear I swatted it off.

I also swatted off my glasses. They disappeared faster than the Orioles hopes at a division championship. Somewhere on the Tuckahoe River there is a beaver with improved eyesight.

Sometime ago I flat out stopped wearing my glasses because the nose pads were pinchy. It felt like I was wearing a clothespin. This pair has plastic frames and are nice and comfy. They’re also orange. Like my hopeless Orioles. In the words of my brother-in-law, DW says I’m “peacocking”. Strutting my stuff and showing off my plumage. I’m sure I have feathers here somewhere, I just can’t find them at the moment.

“These aren’t the feathers you’re looking for.”

DW got new glasses, too. When I first met her (around the time the Cubs first won the World Series) she had these awesome burgundy, plastic frame glasses. I loved them and they made me fall in love with her too. I might have been the the Jedi mind trick, but I’m pretty sure it was her glasses. Anyway, she got a new pair, too. They’re purple. And they’re bi-focals progressives. I think this officially makes her older than me.

Lucy At Home

Parenting with Clickers On My Socks…

At it’s roots, this is a parenting blog. More often than not I write about the joys and frustrations caused by the two creatures my wife gave birth to. I love those heathens, even when I’d rather they take a long walk off a short pier. In the words of Homer:

I want it all: the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles…

I chose to make this blog mostly about parenting mostly because it’s what I know, mostly. I am certainly no expert on the topic. I’m not even an expert on parenting my own kids let alone yours and everyone elses. Kids provide an endless supply of stories, laughs, tricks, techniques, and thank-God-they’re-finally-in-bed. So I have plenty of material to share with you. Whether it’s about stupid, straight brimmed hats, places we visited, or answers to many, many questions, you’re bound to find something useful. Since I handle most of life with humor, I make sure to add as much of that spice as I can.

I have almost no idea what I’m doing.

I know I’m not the only daddy blogger and that’s okay. I’m glad I’m not alone. It means I get to look at what other dads are doing like a cheat sheet in Home ec class. I’ll show you my answers if you show me yours. Come to think of it, it’s okay to work in groups. It’s encouraged, really. We all want what is best for our kids, so why not cheat a little and look at what others are doing?

My kid is being an arsehole. Is it just a phase and how do I make it stop?

My kid won’t stop dabbing. Should I put him in a straight jacket?

How much wine will I need after today?

There are as many ways to parent as there are kinds of parents. Helicopter. Snow plow. Crunchy. Free range. The whole continuem between drill sargent strict and hands-off lienient. Breast fed, bottle fed, spoon fed. You know which one is best? Which on should we all be?

We all should be the best we can be. We should be the kind of parent that raises compassionate, educated, healthy human beings. Whether you live in a shack in the woods with no electricity or the penthouse suite on the 25th floor, just be the best parent you can be. Know your child and make decisions and saccrifices in their best interest. You’re not their friend. You’re their mum, their dad, their legal guardian.

Parenting is not a democracy, it’s a dictatorship. Set rules, set boundaries. Lord knows there are plenty of both out in the big, wide world. Follow through with consequences. Lord knows the big, wide world will do that, too.

But don’t forget to laugh and laugh loudly. Act silly and dance in the kitchen or the living room or the bedroom. Or dance in the bath tub until the smoke detectors start blaring (Yes, in our house, that is possible. It’s been done). Sing loud and sing proud.

So don’t come reading this blog looking for parenting advice. It only looks like I know what I’m doing because you never see all the edits, corrections, the behind the scenes action. I call myself a guru in the parenting world on the basis that others seem to think we’re doing a great job. We’re gurus. I’m also clueless. I mostly have no idea what I’m doing, why I’m doing it, or if it’ll make things better or worse. In the words of my wife’s Uncle Bud,

If clues were shoes he’d wear clickers on his socks.

P.S. While I’m out looking for clues you can find me on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.