Go Ask Your Father: Hemroids, Sphincters, Constipation, and Seat Belts

It’s been steady going around here. In the last two weeks there should have been 10 days of school. There were only 3. Six of the seven missed days were because of snow. The seventh (today) was because there was a province wide teacher walk out strike. Thousands (I heard 20+ thousand) gathered outside of the Province House (where provincal legislation takes place). According to news reports the demonstrators (teachers and those who support them) were so loud that those inside the building couldn’t hear each other at times. 

#TeacherStrong to make the classrooms better for the students.

Plus all the snow, which was good snowman snow…

Notice the pine needle hair?

What are hemorrhoids?

Simply put, they’re a pain in the arse. According to Google they are a swollen vein or group of veins in the region of the anus. They’re similar to varicose veins. They are often caused by an increase in pressure during pregnancy (or labor) or from a strenuous bowel movement. Sometimes that can feel like labor, too. If they’re inside your rectum (I love that word because it sounds like wrecked ’em) they’re called internal hemorrhoids. If they develop under the skin around your stink eye/one eye’d pirate/starfish they are external hemorrhoids. Most times they are just uncomfortable and cause itching, discomfort and bleeding. Other times a clot forms which will need to be lanced and drained. I apologize if you are eating while reading this. I suggest you put your fork down until this post is over…

What makes our poop come out?

Simply put, muscles, but not the kind you can flex and admire in the full length gym mirror. In more specific terms it’s your digestive system. A series of tubes that connect your mouth to your anus move food along until there is nothing left but waste. The movement within the tubes (esophogus, stomach, and intestine) is called peristalsis. It looks like a wave moving through the muscle. The waves narrow the tube propelling it’s contents closer to the light at the end of the tunnel. Your colon collects the shit waste that wasn’t absorbed by the intestine. After a day or so a good bowel movement expells it for a hole in one. 

Why won’t my poop come out?

Constipation. Kinda like writers block. When your poop become hard and dry you’ll have a rough go trying to pass it. It may feel like it’s the size of a bus. In the words of Bang, “No wonder it hurt. It was HUGE!” It could have been from eating too much fatty, sugary, or starchy food. A little more fiber (fruits and veggies and whole grains) should soften it right up. Perhaps it was from not enough exercise. The extra movements help move food through your system. I doubt it was from that, though. The culprit may be a lack of fluid. But with the rate at which I’m buying milk, I’m pretty sure that wasn’t it either. Stress can cause backups, too. With recent events, that’s definitely a posibility.  Could it be IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome)? He has complained of belly pains before. IBS can cause diarrhea sometimes and constipation at other times. It also causes pains and farts. “Do I rot?” is a common question…

How do seat belts work?

One of these questions ins’t like the others. You can continue eating now. The shit’s over. 

The first thing is the buckle. Click it or ticket as we tell the kids. Buckle up for safety. When you put the buckle into the clasp, the hole in the buckle catches on a tab. Pressing the release button releases the tab and out pops the buckle. Inside the belt system is a retractor mechanism. This spool winds and unwinds any loose webbing (the seat belt). Inside the retrator is a spring that applies rotational force, or torque, to the belt. This is why when you pull gently to buckle up the belt unrolls smoothy. The locking mechanism inside the spool locks the belt and keeps it from extending when a sudden motion is applied. The webbing of the belt is specifically engineered to help you survive an accident. It can stretch which slows your forward momenum gradually instead of instantly like the dashboard or windshield would. It’s estimated that seat belts save 13,000 lives in the US each year. That’s why I never put it in drive before I hear all the clicks. 

Questions I Asked My Kids

These kinds of posts usually happen on Thursday. They’re my rules so I can break ’em if I want to. I feel like I’ve been watching education systems fall apart. DeVos, who has no experience in public schools and various other major skills, has become Trumps Education Secretary. Here in Nova Scotia, teachers are in their 3rd month of a work to rule strike because classroom conditions no longer meet students’ needs. But those are posts for another time on another day. Today we need a smile and a laugh. Who better to look to for that laugh than a certain 5 and 9 year old. Crash and Bang can deliver a laugh faster than a Superbowl commercial. 

1. How fast can you run?

Crash: I’d say… fast. 15 miles an hour
Bang: A million miles ahead of a car

2. Where does snow come from?

Crash: Comes from rain. Rain gets cold then it falls as snow.
Bang: Clouds

3. Why do birds fly?

Crash: So they can get around easier 
Bang: To get to their home because walking would be too slow

4. What’s something Guppie (their grandfather) always said?

Crash: I’ve got a surprise for you (Kindereggs)
Bang: I’m going to make stew

5. What is something that will remind you of Guppie?

Crash: His cottage, throwing rocks, teaching us how to curse
Bang: About talking to Nanny Sharon, throwing rocks, snuggling under the warm (electric) blanket, and lots of money – he gave me lots of money.

6. Can you tell me a story or a dream you had?

Crash: I had a dream. From that TV show Ghost Adventures except it was me and my friends and not the guys on the show. Rocks were being thrown horizontally at us from nowheres. I sat next this guy and felt this draft of really freezing cold air around us.(Guess we won’t be watching that show again)
Bang: I was playing on the new Nintendo Switch and I was playing Yoshi’s Wooly World and I got hit by a big ginormous metal spider robot.

7. Why does Dad love Mom?

Crash
: Because she’s beautiful and funny and has a great sense of humor
Bang: Because she’s his wifey

8. Why does Mom love Dad?

Crash: Because he has strong muscles
Bang: Because he gives hugs and kisses

9. How many TimBits can you eat?

Crash: one jillion ten thousand nine hundred ninety nine
Bang: 3,001

10. How do you know Mom and Dad love you?

Crash: Because they let us stay up late, they feed us supper, put a roof over our heads and give us clothes
Bang: Because we snuggle.

Go Ask Your Father: Dictionaries, Weekends, Playing, and Airplanes

How long does it take to make a dictionary?

Though it’s writing began in 1857 it’s first volume wasn’t published until 1884. It was estimated to take 10 years to complete but took 70 when a 10 volume edition was published in 1928. This is about the same amount of time it takes me to get DW’s to-do list done, aka the honey-do list. The second edition, twenty volume Oxford English dictionary contains 171,476 defined words. That’s almost as many words as a chatty, world pondering kid can say at bedtime. 

Is it the weekend?

It most definitely is. It’s the time of sleepovers, staying up late, and not sleeping in because kids never sleep in. However, it wasn’t the weekend at the time of this asking. It was a school day. Bang was either looking for a few more minutes of sleep or to sleepover in either his brother’s bed or at Nanny’s house. Most of the time he enjoys his sleep. We normally have to wake him for school. His brother is destined to be a farmer because it’s up at 6 am, sometimes earlier. I saw a FB quote that goes something like this: As a kid I couldn’t understand why parents wanted to sleep so much. As an adult I don’t understand why kids are never tired.

Who’s going to play with me?

Poor Bang. Nobody loves him and he always has to play all alone. Note sarcasm. Sometimes we build a hotwheels races track. Sometimes we play Mario Kart on the Wii. They boys especially love this because they laugh their little heads off when DW swears at her racecar. Sometimes we play Bug Trails. It’s a fun little matching game and I don’t even have to let him win. He beats me fair and square! Sometimes I call “Not It” and I go cook supper. Or I call “Bedtime”. Or I delegate it to his big brother. He’s been tired and cranky this week so playing with him has felt much like petting a porcupine.

Can an airplane fly with no roof?

DW and I watch Mayday, a show on the Discovery Channel that show how and why planes have crashed. While it’s informative and entertaining, it’s also nerve wracking. We have flown numerous times and it makes DW even more nervous to fly. I find it consoling knowing that these issues have happened in the past, they were thoroughly investigated and solved so they don’t happen again. Besides, statistics show that it’s safer to fly than to drive. In one recent episode we watched part of the roof of the fusalage ripped off. 

The plane landed safely and the only fatality was a flight attendent who flew out of the plane when the roof departed. If you remember once upon a time, planes were built with open cockpits. But a plane that’s supposed to have roof and suddenly doesn’t can continue to fly so long at the remainder of the fusalage can handle the stress load and the drag isn’t too great. It’s the wings and tail that provide the lift. Drag (the wind pushing on the plane) will slow the plane down. So long as the plane flies at speeds greats enough to provide sufficient lift, it will carry on soaring with the birds. Other planes have lost parts of it fusalage or cargo doors yet the entire plane went crashing down because it’s drag was so great it couldn’t get lift. DW and I both agree that it would be fun to investigate plane crashes, though it would be disheartening to know that what we were investigating may have caused many to die. I, myself, would love to learn to be a pilot!

Hmmm…

Have you ever wanted to write?

Have you ever wanted to just sit and sling so much wisdom and insight that your readers were left more amazed than a Cirque de Soleil audience?

I have numerous (26) drafts in my draft folder, but I don’t feel like writing about the state of our education system. That’s already been covered and really, there isn’t much I could say about that to leave people with the feeling of amazement. My blog is 92.5% centered on parenting as I tend to write about the boys, Crash and Bang. But they’ve frustrated me recently and I don’t feel like writing about them either. There’s nothing amazing about the piles of ice about to rain down on us sometime tomorrow. Except maybe the pictures. I’ll save a thousands words by posting pictures of it tomorrow. 

I want to write something so amazing you’ll be left sitting in your chair slack jawed and gasping for breath. It’ll be so brilliant you’ll need to wear sunglasses under a welding visor. 

But I got nothin’.

Not a flicker.

Not a spark.

Not a thought worthy of a hangry toddler.

Have you ever wanted to spew soliloquy so splendidly, but the only words you’re spewing are synonymous of a lactose intolerant infant after breasfeeding? Have you ever wanted to shine like the light of a thousand dessert suns, but came up with nothing more than the universe’s largest, blackest hole? 

Me, too.

Sunday Share Week 4

Some bug has infected our house so you might want to read this from a safe distance. Definitely wash your hands with soap and hot water afterwards. Bang caught it last Thursday. Crash caught it last night. I’m not feeling so hot myself. With the exception of DW and Bang going grocery shopping it’s been a pretty quiet day around here.  But you didn’t come here for that. Or at least I hope you didn’t. You came to find some good reads. So what did I find for you this fourth week of January?

Happy reading!

Fatty McCupcakes
What you might see while sitting on the toilet…

Four Princesses and the Cheese
How Disneyland just got better…

Green Grapes
A dose of the HAHAHAs…

Not the Average Mama
When a kid wants a push on the mood swing…

Making Time for Me
On making time…

Messy Goes to Okido – a science show we watch a hundred times a day…

Go Ask your Father:

Bang insisted on deep conversation this evening over fish, broccoli, and smashed potatoe supper. Where did the universe come from? Who were the first people on Earth? Can you think when you’re dead? Sometimes I’m not sure I’m the one who should be answering his questions. I do the best I can. Naturally, answering his question will create three more questions. 

Why do we swallow?

During a recent ride in the RAV4 Bang was fed up with constantly having to swallow his saliva. I wouldn’t allow him to spit in the truck, either.  I told him he had to swallow his spit so he wouldn’t choke on it. He also had to swallow food so he wouldn’t starve. To make matters worse, I added that he has to swallow liquid so he wouldn’t die of thirst. Said food and drink is technically called a bolus. Our tongue pushes food and drink to the back of the mouth where the pharynx moves it along to the esophagus which will deliver to our stomach. During this process the epiglottis (our airway) closes so we don’t asperate or suffocate.It came up again at suppertime. Food, apparently, takes too long is way too much work to swallow one bite at time. He wanted his supper in his stomach and it was to get there immediately.

What’s that blue planet?

I was nervous because I was afraid he wanted me say “Yer-Anus” (I say “Yer-uh-nus”) fortunately he was thinking of Neptune. Unfortunately, I don’t remember why he was asking. Discovered in 1846 (about the time I entered first grade), it has 14 moons and 5 rings. It appears blue because of methane found in its atmosphere. Even though it’s smaller than Yer-uh-nuh it has a greater mass because of it’s heavy atmosphere. It’s atmosphere encloses layers of water, ammonia, and methane ice while the core of the planet is rock. When I Google what methane smells like all I get are results that include sewer gas. Neptene smells like a sewer. Thank God it’s 2.7 billion miles away.

Who farted?

Around here it could have been anyone. We don’t have a dog to blame it on, either. Birds don’t fart, so we can’t blame Piper. Most likely it was Crash. He’s proud of the gas he passes. Though, Bang can be equally proud, he’s more of “Can I sit on your lap?” then fart and leave kind of kid. Ammonia and hydrogen sulfide, two gasses created in the intestine during food digestion, are the culprits behind the stench that makes us gag, makes our eyes water and peels paint off the walls. Don’t be surprised if you get called a flappy-arse if you’re ever heard farting within our house.

Who’s going to play with me?

Mr. Needy likes when people play with him. He’s not so good at entertaining himself sometimes. The basement is creepy for him. He doesn’t like the blinky lights on the wireless router. He also doesn’t like how quiet it is. Never mind the amount of noise he conjures up while playing. It wakes the dead. So when he asks, “Who’s going to play with me?”  we all look at each other. If one of just played with him we’ll play the “your turn” card. Sometimes I’m able to play the “I’m cooking supper” card. Most times someone will go entertain him. Trucks. Lego. Mario Kart on the Wii. Trains. Racecars on the Hotwheels track. There are endless possibilities. Until someone farts and smells worse than Neptune. Then it’s game off. 

You know a relationship is serious when you can fart in front of the other person.

Being God

Perhaps Jesus was God’s son. Perhaps Jesus was God himself. Either way, it is said that when Jesus walked our mortal Earth he was a worker of miracles. He could make the blind to see, cripples to walk, dead to live. I’m not here to preach to you though.

Then it came to me…

We parents are God, too. Think about it…

Jesus healed the sick. We know that having a sick child is miserable for everyone. So we do everything we can to make them better. Snuggles. Cool baths. Medicine. Lots of sleep. A trip to the hospital to see a doctor if warranted. We bestow upon them our powers of healing. Granted, it’s not as instantaneous, but still, we, too, heal the sick.

Jesus clothed the poor. From their very first breath outside of their mother’s womb we put clothes on our children. We plan what outfit they’ll wear home from the hospital. We buy clothes month after month after month after… as they outgrow outfits faster than they can put them on. WTH? They just tried on those pants at the store and they outgrew them on the way home! And our kids are dirt poor so they need us for clothes.

Jesus fed the hungry. Sometimes with fish and garlic bread. We feed the hungry, too. Sometimes with hotdogs and macaroni and cheese. Sometimes with pizza. Most times with veggies, we hope. We can’t keep food in the house. “Can I have a snack” soon evolves into “I’m hungry” which eventually becomes a shortened grunt, “Imungry“. They eat a full meal and minutes later they come back looking for a snack. They seem to eat their way through a dozen grocery bags of food on the way home from the grocery store.

We may not have all the patience of The Shephard, but we do what we can for our little sheep. We heal them, we clothe them, and we feed them month after month, year after year whether they worship us or not.

This Is Not the Blog You’re Looking For…

If you came here for a laugh, you’ll have to look elsewhere. Check with Ah Dad.

If you came here for some insightful pieces of wisdom on parenting, you’ll definitely have to look elsewhere. Check with Coach Daddy.

I’m too busy to post tonight.

I’m making double chocolate chip cookies and bacon.

Quetions My Kids Ask: Bacon, Bears, Brains, and Wiggly Teeth

The winds are howling here tonight. If this keeps up we just may wake up in Munchkinland tomorrow. We’re battening the hatches and holding our hats. Knock on wood we don’t lose power. At least then I wouldn’t have to worry about the kids not turning off the lights!

Why does bacon shrink when you cook it?

God this stuff is good. Meat of the heavens. I’m sure you’ve all noticed that the final product is significantly smaller than the original. There are two factors at play. One is water. As the bacon is fried it loses water content. As it loses water content it shrivels right up. Store bought bacon most often has more water in it due to the way it’s cured (injected with brine – aka salt water). They use more water to make the bacon look better. It is also an abundant source so the processor is able to offer it at a lower price. They saccrifice quality for profit and we get what we pay for.

The second factor is fat and the temperature it’s cooked at. Fat rendering is when the fat turns from solid to liquid while cooking. So some of it will cook off and end up in the drain pan. When buying bacon, look for the package that has more pink than white. Also, cook it at the lowest temperature you can. Baking it best, but who their right mind wants to wait an hour for bacon? 

What do bears eat?

Whatever the hell they want. Then they poop wherever the hell they want. Who’s going to stop him? Surely not me. Most people think bears are meat eaters. With the exception of the polar bear, most bears’ diet consists mostly of vegitation. The black bear, for example, eats plants and berries about 85% of the time. The other 15% consists of insects, stolen meat, and small rodents like mice. In the Pacific Northwest they’ll hunt salmon on occassion. Meanwhile, their cousin the grizzly, eats a bit more meat and will hunt bigger game like deer, elk,  moose, and bison. Sometimes they’ll catch fish like salmon and trout. But when meat isn’t readily available they’ll fatten up on moths and other insects. The panda bear, of course, eats strictly vegitation. So, like I said, they eat whatever they want. Some are carniverous, most are omniverous, and a select few are vegans  herbivores.

What does your brain look like?

Once upon a time Bang thought brains looked like a spring. I don’t know why he thought that. I corrected him during our discussion of him wanting to be a neurosurgeon when grows up. They look like greyish, pinkish, wrinkly, sponges. There also seems to be a corrolation between the “hills” (gyri) and the “valleys” (sulci) and intellegence. It is thought that the more ridges an animal has the more intellegent it is. For example, mice have smooth brains while human and monkey brains are full of ridges. Though with some humans I truly wonder if they really do have ridges like a marble…

Do you have any wiggly teeth?

I do not, thankfully. Though with what the tooth fairy doles out sometimes I’m half tempted to start knocking them out myself. I have all my adult teeth minus the two wisdom teeth I had pulled. Crash and Bang on the other hand don’t have all their adult teeth yet. Crash still has about 6 more teeth to lose! Bang has his first new tooth coming in and it’s causing two teeth to start to wiggle. Sometimes we swear they’re sharks with multiple rows of teeth. Have you ever seen a kids x-ray of their teeth. You can clearly see their adult teeth up inside their head just waiting to move down and shove out their cute little baby teeth. Just Google “x-ray of kids teeth”. Either way, it’s great to have teeth that allow us to eat bacon.

Thank You School

Here in Nova Scotia, our public education system is under an intense amount of stress right now. Teachers are being overworked to the point that they’re losing teaching time in order to fulfill other mandanted requirements. These mandated requirements may or may not be improvements to the system, they’re arguable. 

Crash and Bang are still receiving proper education from their teachers, even with the “work to rule” strike still in place. I’m not here to discuss what they’re learning from their teachers.

I’m here tonight to discuss what they’re learning in school from their friends.

You’ve all seen the latest phenomenon. Bottles of water drank down to the last 1/4 of the bottle. Intentionally. It flips better that way. I’ve got mixed opinions on this little game. I’m cool with it. I’ll even admit I’ve flipped a few bottles myself.  It’s not as easy as the internet makes it seem. The only flipping I do now is flipping him off behind his back when he frustrates me. After listening to someone make it thunk a few times it starts to get annoying. Like a jackhammer-outside-your-bedroom-window-at-6-am-on-a-Saturday kind of annoying. Now he tries to flip everything. Empty kiddie cups. His bedroom garbage can. His clothes hamper (which a larger version of his garbage can). His reusable water bottle. A yogurt container. The ketchup. Fortunately, he hasn’t tried to flip his brother. 

Yet. 

Then there is this thing called “dabbing”. The best I can describe is that it’s a one step dance move. None of this 5,6,7,8 necessary. All that’s needed is the 5. One arm covers your eyes, the other arm goes out and up in the same direction. So now he wants to do everywhere he goes. He dabs in Walmart (though I suppose it’s normal to dab there. It’s normal to do almost everything there). He dabs when a camera points at him. He dabs while ice skating. It resembles Usain Bolt’s signature move. Except less cool. So less cool that it’s damn near boiling. 

Speaking of boiling… that’s hot. Though certainly not in “both ways”. I had to laugh when he came out with that one for the first time. He had just come inside from playing basketball or something and he was a bit sweaty and he tells me, “I’m hot.” He took a dramatic pause before laying on the charm, “In both ways.” 

Huh? You’re hot in both ways? “No, son. My wife (your mom) is hot in both ways after she’s done her walk/run thing that she does. You, sir, are 9.” If he’s hot in both ways, I’m too sexy for my shirt (like Right Said Fred said). I asked him, what are “both ways”? He defined the first way, no sweat. He wasn’t clear on the second way. When I say “wasn’t clear” I mean he hadn’t the foggiest idea. 

So thank you school for giving him such cool friends to teach him these cool things to do to drive his parents batshit crazy. I don’t even want to guess at what the next “cool” thing will be. I know it won’t be as cool as the Electric Slide, big hair, or “Eat my shorts.”

What fads and sayings do you remember from our glory days?