Some Parenting Funnies from the Internets

Parenting is hilarious. Or at least it has the potential to be. God knows what might come out of our children’s mouth. God knows what kind of mischief they will get into next. It’s a roulette wheel of possibilities. It’s a crap shoot (HAHA) of potential opportunities.

So, because it’s late, because my kids are in bed (one is still hacking and coughing), I’m here to lighten the mood, lift a few spirits, and remind you that you’re not alone in the struggle.

Bang was watching the men’s luge. They were zipping down the ice at 130 kph. He said he wants to do that. This is the same child who was scared of waterslides last summer.

Tonight, while Facetiming my parents I had one kid licking the iPad and the other putting his feet on my head.

WTH?

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Did your kid make you laugh today?

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Go Ask Your Father: Battery Life, Erosion, Frostbite, and Lotion on Dogs

Has anyone had a Fitbit challenge with a friend where the winner is the one with fewest steps? Lounging on the couch all morning watching the Olympics I had just 744 steps by lunchtime. I would have had less had I not had to make breakfast for and play games with Bang. Now that I’ve put some laundry away and put some in the wash, I’m up to 2,789. That’s okay, though. I had 16,000 yesterday. I’ll be teaching gym all next week so I should have no trouble making up for this one slack day. We all deserve a slack day now then, right? I’ll justify my slackness by telling everyone I deserve it. I think there is a lot I deserve, but I’ll set for a slack day.

Why do batteries die in the cold?

It sucks to be a battery. They’re either working or they’re dead. There’s more to life than just working all the time. We need to play. Sometimes we need batteries to play the things we want to play. They come in a multitude of shapes and sizes. I just learned that there is actually a thing as AAAA batteries. There are also button batteries, lithium-ion batteries. There are 9 volt and 6 volt and car batteries. There’s even that battery Elon Musk had built in South Australia that can power 30,000 homes for an hour. I can’t even imagine how many A’s come after that one. Anyway, I had my GoPro out doing a timelapse in -10C. The battery was fully charged when I left home, but soon after recording started it started telling me the battery was low. Soon after that it died. This happens because when battery terminals are connect there is a chemical reaction that gets the electrons flowing (science 101: electricity is the flow of electrons). Cold temperatures cause the chemical reactions to happen more slowly. The battery will then run down until it can’t keep up with the demand and it dies a slow, quiet death. When you warm it back up it will resume working normally.

What is erosion?

It’s what the kids do to my nerves every day. They erode them until there’s a landslide and I start motivationally speaking to the selective listener. Erosion is the slow, wearing away of a landform. Water has been eroding land and rock since it got it. Rivers wear away at its banks. You may be familiar with a meandering river. When a river cuts into its bank, the water nearest the bank moves faster and thereby takes more material with it. The bend in the river gets bigger and bigger until the water is able break through and meet itself on the opposite side. The grand canyon was the ultimate meanderer. Rain has been eroding more than farmers patience for millennia. Glaciers of millions of years ago (about the time my parents were in college) eroded lands across the world. Wind has eroded sand dunes and buttes. I like big buttes, I can not lie.

What do you do if you get frostbite?

The boys go out in the Canadian winter and 10 minutes later they’re complaining of frostbite. Dudes, toughen up, walk it off, then go play some more! Kids these days aren’t as tough as we were. Just like I’m not as tough as my parents were. They had to walk to school in 3 feet of snow, up hill both ways! Seriously, though, should you find yourself a survivor of a plane crash high in the Alps and feel the effects of frostbite set in, here are a few tips. Protect the area from further damage. Tuck your frostbitten area into your armpits. Good luck doing that if it’s your feet. DO NOT rub the frostbitten area or put snow on it. When you finally get out of the cold, immediately remove wet clothes. Gently warm the frostbite spot. The key word being gently. Don’t hold it up to a fire, heat lamp or heat pads. These can cause burns. Instead use warm water (not hot). If there’s any chance that the effected area will freeze again, DON’T THAW IT! When you get rescued, get your ass to doctor. You’ll probably need some pain medicine. If you had to eat a friend to survive, go see a therapist.

Do dogs need lotion?

DW laughed and laughed when Bang asked this one. He had been acting like a puppy while she slathered him with post bath Johnson & Johnson. Long story short, yes, dogs could get lotion. They can get dry skin, too. They can also get poison ivy and get Calamine lotion to relieve the itch. However, if the dry skin isn’t bothering the pooch, it shouldn’t bother you, either. If dry skin is bothering your 6 year old son pretending to be a puppy, put lotion on him.

Go Ask Your Father: Straws, Pink Stuff, Christmas Trees, and A Fly In The Truck

 

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I’m loving the questions this week. Very science oriented. Physics to be exact. There are a couple of science YouTubers I already follow (VSauce and Veritasium). However, thanks to this week’s questions I found Physics Girl. She made a really neat, easy to make, electric “train” using a coil of copper wire, an AA battery and some neodymium magnets. I’ve always been science oriented. I enjoyed physics class in high school, though I wasn’t nearly at the top of my class. I was lucky if I was in the lower middle average kid in class. So to have kids who are as equally interested in science makes me happier than a astrophysicist with a super nova.

1. How does milk come up the straw when I suck on it?

I’ll forego all the sucking jokes, for the moment. Believe it or not, you are not pulling the liquid up the straw when you suck. It is getting pushed up from the bottom. When you suck on a straw you pull the air out of the upper part. This creates a low pressure area. The relatively high pressure (I say it’s relative because the pressure in the bottom of your milk cup changed only in relation to the space inside the straw) in the bottom of your milk cup pushes up. It’s the opposite of blowing into a straw to shoot a piece of corn. If you blow air into it, air pressure build up until the corn flies out and hits another kid in the head and you make a trip to the principal’s office. With a low pressure above the liquid in the straw, the liquid on the bottom rises to fill the space. The longest straw you could theoretically use is 10.3 meters. However, I’m not sure you suck enough to create a perfect vacuum required to use such a big straw. Speaking of vacuums… A straw will not work in outer space because you couldn’t change the air pressure because there is no air pressure. It will work inside a space ship, aka the Space Station.

2. What’s that pink stuff in the humidifier?

It could be my loofah, but it’s not. This stuff grows on the ledges in the tub, on the shower curtain, and in the humidifier. It’s pink. It easily washes off with cleaner. Then it comes right back in a week or less. It’s not mold. It’s an airborne bacteria. Don’t get all freaked out and panic, though. The science world calls it serratia marcescens. The rest of us call it a harmless nuisance. No matter what you use to clean it, it will return as it is airborne. It thrives in damp places (hence the growth in humidifiers and showers). The best you can do is clean to manage, not clean to rid. Make sure you ventilate the bathroom sufficiently during and after your daily scrub. If your like most normal households with young kids, the bathroom door is always open, anyway. No place is sacred.

3. Why do we set up Christmas trees?

Why exactly do we bring the outdoors inside? It’s so Santa knows where to leave all the presents, of course. I can only imagine how confused he might be in a house without a tree. Where do the presents go? According to History.com we have 16th century Germans to thank for the tradition of decorating the tree. Ancient peoples believed the evergreens would ward of witches and evil spirits during the months of little day light. They would decorate their rooms with boughs of holly along with pine and spruce branches. Christian Americans of the 1600’s thought it an odd tradition. Some even went as far as creating laws against it’s observance. Until Queen Victoria and her German Prince, Albert appeared as a drawing in the Illustrated London News in 1846. Much like today, if it was good enough for the royals, it was good enough for the people. It only took a few hundred years for it catch on.

4. If a fly were flying in the truck and stopped flying would he hit the back window?

I was grinning from ear to ear when Bang, the 6 year old, asked this question as we pulled into the driveway one afternoon. What a question! Imagine holding a baseball while riding down the road (someone else is driving). Toss the baseball up and catch it and to you it appears to have gone straight up and straight down. To the hitchhiker on the side of the highway that ball flew in an arc, a rainbow, a parabola. What about a fly, though? Thanks to YouTube, I discovered an answer. A dude flew a drone in the back of his van while his wife drove. As his wife slowly accelerated the drone stayed with the van. It didn’t drift to the back like I expected it to. However, with all the doors and the hatch open the van drove off and the done stayed put, effectively exiting the van without moving. It turns out that the drone provides sufficient downward force to keep it stationary inside the van when all it’s doors are shut. However, with the doors open, it has nothing to push against so it can’t remain inside. Would a fly, which doesn’t have nearly the same force as a drone, have the same effect? Or if it stopped flying would it smash into the back windshield? Like trying to drink through a 10 meter straw, that would really suck (for the fly).

For more fun, follow me on Twitter and Facebook.

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How To Tell If You’re A Parent

 You might be a parent if…

you’ve argued about socks
you had to explain the reason for washing hands after pooping
you get no sleep
you get sleep, but still wake up tired because you’re eternally sleepy
you’ve been peed, pooped, puked, or bled on
you have to be in three different places all at the same time
you could really use a free maid
you could really use a free cook and masseuse, too
you have answered the question “why” so many times you found a parallel universe
you can answer any question sufficiently enough to satisfy their curiosity without raising more questions
You thought you understood parenthood perfectly before you were a parent but now that you’re a parent you realize you know nothing about parenthood.

You might be a parent if you’ve ever asked…

Where are your pants?
Why are you naked?
Where’s your other sock?
What is all over the bathroom floor?
How did you get water on the ceiling?
Why are you sitting on your brother’s head?
Why did you put three DVDs into the DVD player?
Why did you think eating the whole thing was a good idea?
Who peed on the toilet seat?
What are you doing up at this hour of the morning?
Why are writing on the walls?
Did you ask your father/mother, yet?
Didn’t I answer that question already?
Why are you peeing outside when we have a perfectly good bathroom inside?
How many times do I need to tell you ___(Fill In The Blank)__?

You might be a parent if you’ve ever experienced a temper tantrum…

because their cup is the wrong color
because a sandwich was cut improperly
over a hotdog that has lines (or doesn’t have lines) on it
over a broken crayon
because someone looked at them
because it’s bedtime or because it’s bedtime!
because they have to brush their teeth
because you didn’t read the book “right”
because you didn’t pick the right shopping cart
because you cut their cheese into the wrong shape
because you didn’t put enough chocolate chips in the pancake
their food is too hot
their food is too cold
their food is too something else…

Come to think of it, you could easily replace “You might be a parent if” with “You might be tending to a drunk if” The similarities are uncanny.

Raising children is like caring for someone too drunk to know that the potato bin is not a toilet.

You know you’re a parent if…

your fridge and walls are decorated with the art of a child
listening to your kids fall asleep is among your favorite sounds
you secretly enjoy when your kids are sick because it means more snuggles
you receive little doses of love when you least expect it and it means all the world
you feel the hand of your child in yours and think all is right with the world
you stop what you’re doing to answer a pretend phone call
listen intently, like you really do care about Minecraft (or whatever else you couldn’t care less about but have to pretend you love so as not to offend)
at the end of the day, all the frustrations, all the arguments, and questions, and exausting coversation, all that really matter are the little hearts that love you more than anything in the whole wide world… all the way to Jupiter and back.

For more fun, follow me on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook

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Lucy At Home

10 Reasons My Kids Are A-Holes

I wrote once that I wanted to keep my kids from being a-holes so that when they grew up they could be respectful, contributing citizens of wherever they live.

But right now? Right now they’re a-holes. Especially, to each other. I thought it was just a phase. I thought it would pass. It’s been 10 and 6 years. It hasn’t passed.

1. He used to LOVE bananas.

Now they’re too “mushy” and won’t touch them. Even the unripe, green bananas are too mushy for him now. He liked them last week. Today he hates them. There were two fruits he would eat, the other being apples. If they weren’t mushy. He likes mushy food. He practically lives off mashed potatoes. He’s like that with other foods, too. He will eat carrots unless you tell him there’s carrots in his meal. The only meat he’ll eat that’s not mashed into mashed potatoes is ham and haddock. Simply put, he’s a typical picky eater. The silver lining here is that we no longer have a fruit fly farm.

2. His toast was cut into too many triangles.

Now he won’t touch it. He wanted it cut into two triangles, diagonally. I forgot to ask and I cut into four triangles. I might as well have spread bananas across it. I remember a time when my uncle was trying to prepare a hotdog for this same child. Naturally, he got it wrong the first time. After he was told by said 4 year old child what to do he tried to rectify the situation. It still wasn’t right. Why? Because you can never please an asshole child. It’s not that the bar is set too high. It’s that there is no f***ing bar.

3. He killed his brother just watch him die.

They like to play Lego Star Wars for the Wii. First off, it’s Star Wars! Second off, it’s Lego! It’s a great work together kind of game. Therefore as long as they’re playing nice I don’t mind giving them some extra screen time. The problem is, they often don’t play nice. Bang gets stuck and his big brother won’t help. Instead, he starts shooting his blaster at him. Or, even better, goes all Dark Side and kills him with a light saber. The sole reason? Just to watch his little brother’s character explode into tiny Lego pieces, killed him on purpose like he’s Johnny Cash’s Folsom Prison Blues.

4. He’s not being nice to his brother’s stuffie.

Crash loves his stuffies. He has a queen size bed (hand me down) and what space his little-no-so-little body doesn’t use is taken up by stuffies. He treats them as if they were real animals. It’s the Velveteen Rabbit all over again, minus the scarlet fever. It’s good to see him so loving and caring and gentle. I just wish he’d treat his brother similarly. His brother, on the other hand, fully understands the stuffies aren’t real. They can’t be hurt. It doesn’t matter how hard or often you throw them against the wall they won’t talk. It doesn’t matter how many times you jump on their head, they just won’t cry. But you know… it’s all in the name of pissing off your brother for killing you on purpose.

5. He didn’t share the last of the ice cream.

Imagine having three scoops of ice cream left. I know it’s hard to picture, but just try. Just a little bit left that didn’t get eaten. Perhaps it was saved for later, like after the kids go to bed, but then you fell asleep with the kids and didn’t get to eat it. Then, after supper the oldest child finds it while looking for dessert because God forbid he not get dessert. Then he proceeds to clean out the tub and lick it clean. Meanwhile, his little brother gets nothing. I made sure little brother got extra cookies to make big brother jealous, too. Unfortunately, this isn’t a phase, though we’re trying our hardest to teach them to do good.

6. He doesn’t hold the door open.

He lets it slam on the person behind him. Could be me, his mother, his little brother. He gets through the door and he doesn’t let it hit him on the ass on his way out. This goes for both little heathens. Even getting into the truck, they absolutely refuse to let each other in “their side” unless strictly requested. Fortunately, this is only at home and in the truck. But still…

7. I mopped the floor last night.

This morning they are eating pancakes on the living room floor. Sticky, syrupy pancakes.

“That’s okay. I love to be your maid”
~No Parent Ever

  • They’re tracking muddy shoes across a freshly vacuumed floor.
  • They’re flinging toothpaste on a freshly cleaned bathroom mirror
  • They’re jumping on a freshly made bed
  • They peed on the toilet that I just finished cleaning pee off
  • They put a dirty dish in a sink that I just emptied by washing and drying all the dirty dishes that were in it.
  • They spilled strawberry jam on a counter I scrubbed clean 30 seconds ago
  • They dumped the crayon bucket to find peach on a kitchen table I just cleared off for supper

No doubt, whatever it was that was just cleaned will be wrecked in 30 seconds or less or the next one’s free.

8. He’s aiming a Nerf gun at his brother.

While I enjoy a good Nerf gun fight, they can’t be had in our house for a couple reasons. When we start a fight it’s all fun and games. Then someone runs out of darts and has to call a timeout. During the timeout someone gets tired of waiting starts shooting. The victim then proceeds to go batshit crazy. The second scenario is that the game ends except someone doesn’t know it ended and continues firing. Like the USS Shenandoah that continued to chase down and sink Union ships six months after the Confederacy collapsed. Which brings us to the second reason. The youngest hates to have darts shot at him. Whether he was shot at close range, had his eye shot out, or took one to the face, or all of the above, he hates to even have a Nerf gun pointed at him. Loaded or not. Johnny could easily have sung, I shot my brother just to hear him scream”.

9. I told him not to touch the cart.

Then, he touched the cart. It’s a stupid rule. Both Crash and I know it’s a stupid rule. Neither one us are allowed to touch the shopping cart. That’s Bang’s job. He has passed up a trip to the bookstore and the promise of picking out books to go grocery shopping just so he can push the cart. He does not want help with it, either. So the rule is, don’t touch the cart. I will not subject you to hearing the hissy fit that occurrs when the cart is touched.

10. He farted.

In the truck. At the table. In the living room. While brushing his teeth. In his brother’s room. The stench from it is enough to peel the paint off the walls. It’s all fun and games and hilarious when he does it. Guess what ensues when someone else does it? All Hell? Yeah, it breaks loose. Oh sure, farts are hilarious, but only when they’re your own. We easily know who dropped a destroyer because the other will lose his shit.

*Disclaimer: They are not like this all the time. I picked out specific instances that they did jerk things. Hopefully, to provide humor and solace to those have kids who do asshole things, too. We love our two assholes very dearly.

If you’re not an A-Hole you can follow me on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.


Lucy At Home

23 Questions I Asked My Kids: The 2 Year Anniversary

This is the origin of the “Questions I Asked My Kids” series that appears here every Thursday. Or most Thursdays. This is the 52nd episode, the one year episode. I have asked 10 questions every Thursday for an entire year. 520 questions. Except the pilot episode had 23. Of course, sometimes questions were repeated just to see if they would give the same answer.

In honor of those first 23 questions, I thought I’d revisit them. It took me more than two years to ask a year’s worth of questions. The pilot first appeared in June of 2015. Crash was just 8 and Bang 4. You can read Bang’s answers here and Crash’s are here. As always, feel free to steal these questions to ask your own kids (no matter how old they are). Just be sure to tag me so I can read their answers.

1. What is something Dad always says to you?
Crash: No
Bang: Get ready for bed!

2. What makes Dad happy?
Crash: When the Orioles win or Splatoon 2
Bang: When I do chores

3. What makes Dad sad?
Crash: When the Orioles lose or my brother and I aren’t good listeners.
Bang: When you couldn’t get the chocolate sugar cookies because mom made you put them back (I got vanilla ones instead)

4. How does Dad make you laugh?
Crash: By saying “I’m Bri’ish. I drive on the other side of the road” in a British accent.
Bang: By stomping and clapping when you make fun of my brother

5. What was Dad like as a child?
Crash: You had hair for one and you liked going outside and playing baseball
Bang: You behaved good but were a little bit bad and liked to run around and scream

6. How old is Dad?
Crash: 40
Bang: 41

7. How tall is Dad?
Crash: 5’4 or 5’9 or 5′ something
Bang: 21 feet

8. What is Dad’s favorite thing to do?
Crash: Go outside or watch the Orioles
Bang: Teach in gym

9. What does Dad do when you’re not here?
Crash: Clean and play Splatoon 2
Bang: Wash dishes, watch TV, play Splatoon and crawl around on the floor

10. If Dad becomes famous what will it be for?
Crash: Teaching, I guess
Bang: Being in a book that says dad dad dad dad dad dad

11. What is Dad really good at?
Crash: Aiming snowballs like that time I was running away from you and you hit me in the back of the head.
Bang: Cleaning the house and teaching gym

12. What is Dad not very good at?
Crash: You’re not very good at surviving in Splatoon 2 and remembering stuff
Bang: Playing baseball on the Nintendo Switch. When we play I always beat you

13. What is Dad’s job?
Crash: Teaching but it’s not your official job. You don’t have an official job, you’re just a substitute.
Bang: Teaching gym

14. What makes you proud of Dad?
Crash: That you love me and pack my lunch and awesome super amazing best dad ever
Bang: Making my bed

15. What is Dad’s favourite food?
Crash: Apple pie
Bang: Peanuts and roast beef

16. What do you and Dad do together?
Crash: We used to play Minecraft together but you don’t play any more. Now we build lego, go ice skating
Bang: We play Uno, we skate together

17. How are you and Dad the same?
Crash: Our big caterpillar eyebrows!
Bang: We love pop

18. If your Dad was a cartoon character who would he be?
Crash: Snow white
Bang: Harry Potter

19. How are you and Dad different?
Crash: I have hair and you don’t. I play Minecraft, you don’t. You wear glasses, we read different books
Bang: I can’t drink beer but you can (but I don’t, I prefer wine)

20. How do you know Dad loves you?
Crash: Feed me, shelter me, scratch my back
Bang: He lays with me

21. What does Dad like best about Mom?
Crash: Her hair and her boobs
Bang: Her ding dong (that’s her belly button)

22. Where is Dad’s favorite place to go?
Crash: The living room couch
Bang: McDonalds and the Margarita shop

23. How old was Dad when you were born?
Crash: 30
Bang: 16

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Things I learned After Having Kids

I can only imagine  how much my parents learned about parenthood after I was born. I was colicy. I hated coloring. I painted newspaper to the floor. I joined the wrestling team. While I had a steep learning curve it was mostly because I was the first born. My brother, however, brought whole new challenges to the table. In the beginning, the only electronics we had in the house was an Atari. No tablets. No cell phones. No computers unless you count the Commodor 64. Now we have all that and social media and everyone is “connected” every which to Sunday.

My kids are not me

Oh hell… Who am I kidding. They’re more like me than I care to admit. From “I had it a minute ago, I don’t know where it is now.” To all the broken things. They could tear the hinges off of Hades if only I hadn’t torn them off when I was their age. However, they are more headstrong than I remember myself being. I was a go-with-the-flow kind of kid. These two are not. They know what they want and they are not afraid to ask for it. Or ask Nanny for it. They’re also not afraid to argue their point of view. They haven’t figured out this household isn’t a democracy.

Two kids isn’t easier than one

Silly me. So nieve when I was “young”. One kid was easy. Easy to feed. Easy to entertain. Easy to transport. Easy to put to bed. When we added a second, we had no idea what we were getting ourselves into. When the second was an infant we were so tired to call us zombies would have been a compliment compared to how we felt. Yet no matter how tired we were, we still had our first born to care for. One can stay awake for just so many games of UNO on such little sleep. Now that they’re old, the ideal would be for them to entertain and play with each other. Naturally, we’re not there. Everything is a competition. Everything is a distraction. They live to annoy the shit out of each other. At breakfast time. At suppertime. At bedtime.

The common enemy

It’s us versus them. Having two kids has brought us closer together. “You’re momma told ya not to do that and you went and did it anyway. Don’t come crying to me about it.” It works in reverse, too. Only on rare occassions when we feel the other just needs to take their chill pill will we override the consequences. If they ever realized they could play us against each other, our world would crumble like last Christmas’s gingerbread house.

Not all things are teachable

I’m a teacher. I teach things. All kinds of things. I teach kids to multiply double digits numbers. I teach kids long division. I teach kids to speak with respect to others and to take pride in their work. Do you think I can teach my kids to pick up their toys when they’re done? Do you think I can teach my kids to pee IN the toilet instead of ON it? Do you think I can teach them that life is so much better when they’re playing together rather than fighting together. I just can’t do it.

For the most part, I wasn’t an instigator growing up. My brother was my brother and it usually wasn’t my intent to piss him off. Usually. My two thrive on instigating fights and arguments with each other. Just tonight at bedtime, the youngest was laughing his head off at his brother who was red-in-the-face angry at whatever it was his little brother was doing or saying. We’re not even sure. All we knew was that it was bedtime and they needed to get there before we went batshit crazy like big brother was.

Pride comes in small doses

It could be a random “I love you” or “I like your face” or “thank you for loving me”. It could be an assignment they’re proud of completing in school. It could be at hit they made, a fly ball they caught, a goal they scored. It could be a first word or a first step or reading their first book. Perhaps it was a first solo song or finally getting rid of the training wheels. It could be a new picture for the fridge or special card they made at school.

Wherever it comes from it reaches deep and grabs your heartstrings. When the days end and you feel their little bodies softly slip into slumber, you can’t help but feel the love. They in your loving embrace and you in their warmth and innocence. You kept them alive for yet another day and in that success you can be proud.

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Questions I Asked My Kids: Ep48

Canadian Thanksgiving is just around the corner. Monday, to be precise. One day of work left until we hit homestretch. Tomorrow, I’ll be in a 1st and 2nd grade French class. Those 6 and 7 year olds will know far more French than I do. Unless they ask, “Puis-je aller aux toilettes?” I won’t have a clue what they’re saying. So they’ll get to speak English. They’ll be thankful for that. And so will I. There’s that silver lining I love so much.

1. If we had an airplane to take us on vacation right now, where would we go?

Crash: Legoland
Bang: South Korea

2. If we could go to Halifax but couldn’t use a car to get there, how do you think we could get there?

Crash: Giraffe because we could see everything since they’re so tall. I would name mine Steve.
Bang: In a plane

3. If you could have any animal in the world as a pet, where would you go to get it and what would it be?

Crash: I would get an eagle or a fox and I would get them from Hope for Wildlife.
Bang: It would be a giraffe and I would get it at the zoo so I could high high high and look in his mouth to see its 20 inch tongue

4. If you could do something just like your friend what would you do?

Crash: Stay up until 1:00 in the morning Snap Chatting
Bang: Speak French like Nolan. I can’t speak French, but I can speak British.

5. If you could change anything about school what would it be?

Crash: The amount of recess and phys. ed. time. More of both!
Bang: We don’t have to do work. We would play instead.

6. If you could change your name, would you want to and what name would you choose instead?

Crash: Luke, I guess.
Bang: Repooc

7. If you could build anything in the backyard, what would it be?

Crash: I would build a massive tree house that is significantly big with 3 stories.
Bang: I would build a wooden dog because I want a dog.

8. What’s your favorite smell?

Crash: Cookies or pizza
Bang: Bath bombs and mom’s perfume

9. Did anything happen in school to make you laugh?

Crash: Yeah. sort of… it was on the bus. Me and Matthew were sitting next to each other and we weren’t talking about real people, but we said if there were any girls who liked us but we didn’t like them we’d say, “here kiss my hand”.
Bang: Telling funny jokes on the teeter totter

10. What should we make a video about with the GoPro?

Crash: A video of me on my skateboard on a really big ramp at a skate park
Bang: Make a video about building Lego. I’ll build a windmill.

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I Have My Glasses On

I had it a minute ago. I don’t know where it is now.

You may have noticed (but probably didn’t, but a million points to you if you did) that I changed my gravatar. That’s my photo that shows up everywhere I leave a comment. I changed it because I got my new glasses today. They’re orange.

That doesn’t mean I’ll be able to find stuff without asking DW. I swear, when I look for stuff it’s not where I look. As soon as she looks in the exact same location I did *POOF* whatever I was looking for is there in the exact spot was I looking.

It wasn’t there when I looked!

I’m convinced that she moves it so she can claim it was there the whole time. Or she’s a Jedi and enjoys playing those mind tricks on me. I’m more susceptible than a storm trooper to Jedi mind tricks. I can’t blame her, though. It would be fun to play mind tricks on me so I’m going with that option.

She’s a Jedi.

So now I have these new glasses and I still won’t be able to find stuff. It’s a genetic trait, unfortunately. My dad had it. I have it. Now, both Crash and Bang have it. I think they have it worse than I do. Must be the “mom curse” (thanks mom). Now I’m frustrated that I have to go show them whatever it was they were looking for is exactly where I’m telling them look for it. When they look, it’s not there. Hell, I’ve pointed directly at the item in question and the best they can do is spin in circles with their eyes closed.

“I don’t see it anywhere!”

I’ve had glasses for about 6 years. I discovered I needed them when I went for my physical for immigration to Canada. The doctor told me to read the chart with my left eye and I had no problem. Then he told me to read it with my right and the chart disappeared. I couldn’t find it even though I saw it a minute ago. Fast forward a couple years and I sort of kind of lost my first pair of glasses. It wasn’t my fault, though. DW and I were out kayaking with my aunt. It was a calm, quiet little river with lots of turtles and birds and a beaver someone mistakenly thought was a bear. There were also bugs. When one had the nerve to land on my ear I swatted it off.

I also swatted off my glasses. They disappeared faster than the Orioles hopes at a division championship. Somewhere on the Tuckahoe River there is a beaver with improved eyesight.

Sometime ago I flat out stopped wearing my glasses because the nose pads were pinchy. It felt like I was wearing a clothespin. This pair has plastic frames and are nice and comfy. They’re also orange. Like my hopeless Orioles. In the words of my brother-in-law, DW says I’m “peacocking”. Strutting my stuff and showing off my plumage. I’m sure I have feathers here somewhere, I just can’t find them at the moment.

“These aren’t the feathers you’re looking for.”

DW got new glasses, too. When I first met her (around the time the Cubs first won the World Series) she had these awesome burgundy, plastic frame glasses. I loved them and they made me fall in love with her too. I might have been the the Jedi mind trick, but I’m pretty sure it was her glasses. Anyway, she got a new pair, too. They’re purple. And they’re bi-focals progressives. I think this officially makes her older than me.

Lucy At Home

Go Ask Your Father: Germs, Hypocrisy, Large Kites, and Preservatives

I was thinking our family needs a dog. Not a puppy, they’re too much like babies and we’re done with babies. A certain doctor saw to that. But after seeing how much my boys don’t like dogs, I’ve decided not to get one. I mean, sure, they could use some lessons in responsibilities. They’d have the thing tormented and hot-wired for insanity. Plus they’re terrified of dogs. Big dogs. Little dogs. Tiny dogs. They run away. Just look at these two terrified kids tormenting this 8 week old lab/retriever pup.

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Nah… we don’t need a dog.

Do we?

1. How small are germs?

Like 6 year olds, they come in varying sizes. Our eyes can see things slightly smaller than the width of a hair. Except my hair. No one can see my hair. Thiomargarita namibiensis is large enough to see with a naked eye, but it lives on the sea floor off Namiba. Somewhere I’ll never find myself. Apparently, E. coli is kind of large for a germ (technically bacteria). If 30 of them got together for a block party we could see them without assistance. However, germs that cause colds need a gathering of 2,400 to be able to see unaided. That’s more than a party. That’s a protest. They’re so small because they get inside other cells and use them to make more germs.

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Common cold virus

2. What’s it called when someone tells me to do something but they don’t do it?

You mean like when your brother tells you not to scare him, then he goes and scares you? Or he tells you to use just a little bit of syrup on his pancake then they recreates the Caspian Sea on his plate? That’s called being a hypocrite. It’s defined as claiming to have moral values to which behaviour doesn’t conform. Kind of like when Reagan damned some air-traffic controllers who went on strike for higher wages and shorter work weeks by firing them. However, he was once the president of the Screen Actors Guild – American Actor’s Union. Or Henry David Thoreau who wrote exhaustively about saving the environment, but accidentally burnt down half a forest with an maintained campfire. Or your bother comes to tattle tale on you and get you in trouble even though he was doing the exact same thing.

3. How big was the world’s largest kite?

If you check out the Guinness record it states that Abdulrahman Al Farsi and Faris Al Farsi built and flew the kite at the Kuwait Hala Festival in Flag Square, Kuwait City, Kuwait on 15 February 2005. However, this is misinformation on Guinness’s part. While the kite dimensions are correct. It was 137.8 feet wide, 83 feet long and had a 25 foot ceiling inside. However, it was built by Peter Lynn of New Zealand. The Al Farsi’s hired and commissioned Peter to build the kite in the fashion of the Iraqi flag. Peter considered getting it changed. However, like a trip to the DMV to get your license changed, Peter considered the nightmare it was getting the kite recognized by Guinness in the first place, he didn’t think it was wise or necessary to try.

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This kite is larger than a common cold virus

4. What are preservatives?

Crash noticed that his Nanny’s homemade bread got mouldy long before the store bought stuff did. To preserve things means to keep them unspoiled, fresh, or maybe just remembered. We preserve food, jam, memories, and history. If you put things in air tight containers you can preserve food for longer. Zipper seal bags are great at this. You can make a PBJ sandwich this summer, put it in a zipper seal bag and save it for next summer. Tupperware is great at that, too. Like the two boys in Eerie, Indiana (TV show of the 90’s) who slept in Tupperware containers and thereby never aged. Calcium propanoate and propionic acid are added to breads to inhibit the growth of bacteria and extend the loaf’s shelf life. Both of these are naturally occurring chemicals in dairy products that is produced artificially. However, lecithin is a naturally occurring preservative found in soy and egg yolk and when it’s added to bread it will help keep it light, fluffy, and preserved.

Now add me like a preservative to your follow list on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.

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