I Have My Glasses On

I had it a minute ago. I don’t know where it is now.

You may have noticed (but probably didn’t, but a million points to you if you did) that I changed my gravatar. That’s my photo that shows up everywhere I leave a comment. I changed it because I got my new glasses today. They’re orange.

That doesn’t mean I’ll be able to find stuff without asking DW. I swear, when I look for stuff it’s not where I look. As soon as she looks in the exact same location I did *POOF* whatever I was looking for is there in the exact spot was I looking.

It wasn’t there when I looked!

I’m convinced that she moves it so she can claim it was there the whole time. Or she’s a Jedi and enjoys playing those mind tricks on me. I’m more susceptible than a storm trooper to Jedi mind tricks. I can’t blame her, though. It would be fun to play mind tricks on me so I’m going with that option.

She’s a Jedi.

So now I have these new glasses and I still won’t be able to find stuff. It’s a genetic trait, unfortunately. My dad had it. I have it. Now, both Crash and Bang have it. I think they have it worse than I do. Must be the “mom curse” (thanks mom). Now I’m frustrated that I have to go show them whatever it was they were looking for is exactly where I’m telling them look for it. When they look, it’s not there. Hell, I’ve pointed directly at the item in question and the best they can do is spin in circles with their eyes closed.

“I don’t see it anywhere!”

I’ve had glasses for about 6 years. I discovered I needed them when I went for my physical for immigration to Canada. The doctor told me to read the chart with my left eye and I had no problem. Then he told me to read it with my right and the chart disappeared. I couldn’t find it even though I saw it a minute ago. Fast forward a couple years and I sort of kind of lost my first pair of glasses. It wasn’t my fault, though. DW and I were out kayaking with my aunt. It was a calm, quiet little river with lots of turtles and birds and a beaver someone mistakenly thought was a bear. There were also bugs. When one had the nerve to land on my ear I swatted it off.

I also swatted off my glasses. They disappeared faster than the Orioles hopes at a division championship. Somewhere on the Tuckahoe River there is a beaver with improved eyesight.

Sometime ago I flat out stopped wearing my glasses because the nose pads were pinchy. It felt like I was wearing a clothespin. This pair has plastic frames and are nice and comfy. They’re also orange. Like my hopeless Orioles. In the words of my brother-in-law, DW says I’m “peacocking”. Strutting my stuff and showing off my plumage. I’m sure I have feathers here somewhere, I just can’t find them at the moment.

“These aren’t the feathers you’re looking for.”

DW got new glasses, too. When I first met her (around the time the Cubs first won the World Series) she had these awesome burgundy, plastic frame glasses. I loved them and they made me fall in love with her too. I might have been the the Jedi mind trick, but I’m pretty sure it was her glasses. Anyway, she got a new pair, too. They’re purple. And they’re bi-focals progressives. I think this officially makes her older than me.

Lucy At Home

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Go Ask Your Father: Germs, Hypocrisy, Large Kites, and Preservatives

I was thinking our family needs a dog. Not a puppy, they’re too much like babies and we’re done with babies. A certain doctor saw to that. But after seeing how much my boys don’t like dogs, I’ve decided not to get one. I mean, sure, they could use some lessons in responsibilities. They’d have the thing tormented and hot-wired for insanity. Plus they’re terrified of dogs. Big dogs. Little dogs. Tiny dogs. They run away. Just look at these two terrified kids tormenting this 8 week old lab/retriever pup.

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Nah… we don’t need a dog.

Do we?

1. How small are germs?

Like 6 year olds, they come in varying sizes. Our eyes can see things slightly smaller than the width of a hair. Except my hair. No one can see my hair. Thiomargarita namibiensis is large enough to see with a naked eye, but it lives on the sea floor off Namiba. Somewhere I’ll never find myself. Apparently, E. coli is kind of large for a germ (technically bacteria). If 30 of them got together for a block party we could see them without assistance. However, germs that cause colds need a gathering of 2,400 to be able to see unaided. That’s more than a party. That’s a protest. They’re so small because they get inside other cells and use them to make more germs.

rhinovirus

Common cold virus

2. What’s it called when someone tells me to do something but they don’t do it?

You mean like when your brother tells you not to scare him, then he goes and scares you? Or he tells you to use just a little bit of syrup on his pancake then they recreates the Caspian Sea on his plate? That’s called being a hypocrite. It’s defined as claiming to have moral values to which behaviour doesn’t conform. Kind of like when Reagan damned some air-traffic controllers who went on strike for higher wages and shorter work weeks by firing them. However, he was once the president of the Screen Actors Guild – American Actor’s Union. Or Henry David Thoreau who wrote exhaustively about saving the environment, but accidentally burnt down half a forest with an maintained campfire. Or your bother comes to tattle tale on you and get you in trouble even though he was doing the exact same thing.

3. How big was the world’s largest kite?

If you check out the Guinness record it states that Abdulrahman Al Farsi and Faris Al Farsi built and flew the kite at the Kuwait Hala Festival in Flag Square, Kuwait City, Kuwait on 15 February 2005. However, this is misinformation on Guinness’s part. While the kite dimensions are correct. It was 137.8 feet wide, 83 feet long and had a 25 foot ceiling inside. However, it was built by Peter Lynn of New Zealand. The Al Farsi’s hired and commissioned Peter to build the kite in the fashion of the Iraqi flag. Peter considered getting it changed. However, like a trip to the DMV to get your license changed, Peter considered the nightmare it was getting the kite recognized by Guinness in the first place, he didn’t think it was wise or necessary to try.

kite

This kite is larger than a common cold virus

4. What are preservatives?

Crash noticed that his Nanny’s homemade bread got mouldy long before the store bought stuff did. To preserve things means to keep them unspoiled, fresh, or maybe just remembered. We preserve food, jam, memories, and history. If you put things in air tight containers you can preserve food for longer. Zipper seal bags are great at this. You can make a PBJ sandwich this summer, put it in a zipper seal bag and save it for next summer. Tupperware is great at that, too. Like the two boys in Eerie, Indiana (TV show of the 90’s) who slept in Tupperware containers and thereby never aged. Calcium propanoate and propionic acid are added to breads to inhibit the growth of bacteria and extend the loaf’s shelf life. Both of these are naturally occurring chemicals in dairy products that is produced artificially. However, lecithin is a naturally occurring preservative found in soy and egg yolk and when it’s added to bread it will help keep it light, fluffy, and preserved.

Now add me like a preservative to your follow list on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.

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He Told Me Not To

A coach once told me that if a doctor ever tells you that you have only 3 hours left to live you should go to a mosquito (little league) baseball game. It’ll be the longest three hours of your life.

We were losing the whole game. We were always close, but always losing. After the 5th inning we were down 16-15. The 6th inning would be our last chance. The sun was on the horizon and once it dipped below it would get dark fast. I knew there was a chance we wouldn’t be able to finish. You can imagine my dismay when I saw their pitcher warming up. He was throwing with heat. Gordon Ramsey in Hell’s Kitchen kind of heat. Fastballs that I feared my mosquitoes wouldn’t be able to hit and we would be 3 up, 3 down and game over.

You can imagine my surprise when he loaded the bases with walks.

You can imagine my surprise again when we had suddenly scored 5 runs and found ourselves up by 4. I was watching the darkness creep up on us and knew we had to get the 6th inning over if were to win. You see, if a game is called on account of darkness the score reverts back to last inning that was finished. We were losing in that inning. We had 1 out against us and I quietly told my next batter to strike out so we could get this inning over. Unfortunately, she was hit. A bean ball that scored us a 6th run and put us up by 5. I told my next batter the same thing. He struck out, though not on purpose. 

2 outs and the sun was below the horizon now. We were playing on borrowed time. Twilight time. We had to end the inning pronto. I quietly approached my next batter and explained it to him.

Me: This is going to make no sense right now, but in order for us to win this game I need you to strike out.
Batter: So you want me to swing at everything?
Me: Yes

And he did too. One pitch sailed over his head. He swung, not even attempting to hit the ball. Our coach down at 1st base hollered to him to not swing at pitches over his head. I laughed because coach wasn’t in on our plan. He swung and missed the second pitch, too. He swung at the 3 pitch and connected solid with it. The ball sails like a runaway kite in hurricane out into right field. The batter stands on home plate simply watching it as if he were watching a ball game instead of participating in it.

The first base coach is yelling, “RUN! YOU HIT THE BALL! RUN!”

The batter is standing on homeplate pointing toward me at third and hollering back, “HE TOLD ME NOT TO!”

The right fielder throws the ball to first and the batter is called out. 3 outs. Change sides.

Bottom of the 6th now, we’re up by 5. I’ve got a pitcher throwing who usually throws zero run innings. It’s nearing 8:30 and it would be hard for me to argue to keep playing should the other team decide it’s too dark. I’m no lawyer. I probably couldn’t argue my way out of a wet paper bag. The other team does score one run. But we also make three outs to end the game with a win.

We won because of an almost strike out, because a hitter slugged the ball but stood still,  and because a team made it happen when it counted most.

Now swing on over to FacebookTwitter and Instagram and follow me round the bases…

strike out

Lucy At Home

How A Canadian Dime Stopped Traffic in Virgina

Today, here in Canadaland, we received a poorly timed rain. The Heavens opened above us during the second inning of Crash’s ball game and Bang’s ball practice. We tried to wait it out, but waiting wasn’t to be had. The rain was as relentless as the questions asked by children. The rain didn’t quit so we did. Called it a day, postponed the game. The parents and kids of Bang’s group soldiered on. They completed their practice. As my mom used to tell me, “You’re not made of sugar. You won’t melt.” Or, “Don’t worry, shit floats.” With baseball done for the night, everyone went home.

Except the Wood family didn’t go home. With the boys still in uniform and cleats, we went to Tim Hortons. The rain may have been dampening the world but our happiness was rising and swirling with the aroma of donuts and freshly brewed coffee. But I’m not here to wax poetic about a fast food coffee shop. 

We horked down our chocolate chip muffin and cookie and Tim Bits then, just as he always does, Bang went to man the door. Or more accurately, boy the door. He loves to play doorman and open the door for those entering and leaving. One time someone gave him a dollar. Another time someone gave him a coupon for a free donut. While the rewards are nice, he does it for the smiles. 

This evening he was given a quarter for his kindness. An American quarter.

Here in Canadaland, we use the same coins as our southern neighber. Granted, we have a couple extra, the loonie ($1) and the toonie ($2). Like our noisy neighbor, we also have a nickel, dime, and quarter. The coins of the two nationalities are interchangable here. No one takes notice when we use American coins.  

However, in the USA that isn’t always the case.

DW and I used to live in Virginia. It was a cozy, sleepy little hide-away town. The nearest pet store that had crickets to feed a couple anoles I had aquired was an hour and a half away. The return trip crossed a toll bridge. Realizing we didn’t have change or cash to pay the toll we stopped at a gas station to use the ATM. Turns out we only had $19 left in our checking account no access to our savings account because it was 1745 and there were no smart phones. We could not withdraw any of that $19 because ATMs only dispense twenties. 

All we needed was two dollars.

We scrounged around our car. Between the seats. Under the seats. In the glove box. In the center console. In the hatch. Under the spare tire.  It’s amazing all the places $2 will try to hide. We found it. We also found that toll booths don’t take pennies. Finally, after an a decade of hunting and gathering we hand over our change and wait with baited breath for the toll clerk to count it. This is when the cars started piling up behind us. 

She continues counting like she’s the fu*king Kingdom’s Master of Coin. Then she hands me back a dime. A God damn dime!

“I can’t accept this. It’s a Canadian dime.” she told us. We were down to one dollar and ninety cents. 

I explained that was all change, all the money, we had to give her. All we had left were pennies. We aready knew she didn’t want those either. Somewhere in the distance behind us a car horn honked. It could have honked all day, it wouldn’t have given us the dime we needed. Thankfully, by the grace of God, she waved us through. We were relieved to be allowed to return home. 

As were the thousands who were waiting behind us.

Never again did we cross that bridge without knowing first hand that we had the money to get back across it. 

Bang took his American quarter home and put it right in his wallet. He knows three more will get him a cookie from Tim Hortons.

Go Ask Your Father: Pizza, Condensation, Swimming lessons, and Wine

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There are light ones. There are dark ones. DW likes the dark ones. There are big ones, and small ones. There are brown ones and blue ones and yellow ones and orange ones and green ones. Some have nuts, some have caramel, some have pretzels, some have peanut butter. Everyone has their favorite. There’s so much we can learn from a bowl of M&M’s. So much difference, so much deliciousness just hanging out in one place. If only the world were as friendly as your favorite bag of Ms.

1. When and where was pizza first made?

Who cares? All that matters is that we have pizza. I usually don’t trust people who don’t like pizza. It’s the perfect food. You can get your veggies. You can get your meat and dairy and grains. It’s the entire food pyramid on one perfect slice. Hot from the oven and you have a slice of heaven in your hand. However, where and when it came to Earth is much debated. First, you have to define what constitutes “pizza”. If it’s just a flat bread then pizza goes back to the ancient Babylonians, Israelites and Egyptians. If pizza is to have toppings then pizza goes back to the ancient Greeks and Romans who baked flat breads topped with olive oil and available spices. These days, though, we call that focaccia breads. The pizza we know and love with tomato sauce, cheese and stuff originated in Italy. It had been selling like hotcakes by street vendors. However, Raffaele Esposito from Naples is credited with the first pizza. Plagiarised pizza?

2. Why is there water on the outside?

That cup of ice cold Coke is sweatin’ like a pig in a bacon shop. Water puddles on the table at the bottom of my margarita glass. It’s because there’s water in the air. It’s hanging out there as vapor. All invisible and innocent thinking it’s the highest state water can exist in. Then it bumps into the cold glass. The sudden chill makes its molecules slow down and move closer together, like DW and I do in bed on a January night. When all those molecules collect (like the family in bed on Sunday morning) they form visible drops of water. We call it condensation. You can see it on the bathroom mirror after a hot shower. On your eye glasses when you come in from the cold. On glass of ice cold Coke or a frosty margarita.

3. Can we practice swimming again?

A friend has allowed us to use their pool. Found out today it’s 18 feet wide and 32 feet long and about 52 inches deep. This equals 359,424 cubic feet of cool, refreshing water. They love the company, we love the pool (and the company, too). They have 2 incredible granddaughters who the boys enjoy playing and swimming with. Their oldest swims like a fish, like our oldest. The first time we were invited to their pool, their youngest (4 years old) was just learning to swim. Today she was swimming to the bottom for the sinker toys like she was a dolphin. We convinced Bang he could do that, too, if he practiced. Off came his life jacket. Bang said he wanted to practice for 2 minutes. 30 minutes later and he was still practicing. Swimming is a life skill, especially for us because live on an island. By end of summer I predict he’ll be a dolphin, too. Good thing he likes fish.

4. What’s that wine called?

yt-moscato-263x820Remember that friend who invites us to swim in her pool? She give you wine to drink while your kids are swimming. This our secret spot so don’t bother asking. I’d have to kill you if I told you. Today, as a repayment, we took her a bottle of wine. The boys know we enjoy a glass of wine. That ain’t no secret. So they tell us when they’re 19 (the legal drinking age here in Canadaland) they’ll drink wine with us. The wine we chose to share today was a Yellowtail Moscato.

This [yellow tail] Moscato is everything a great wine should be – zingy, refreshing and easy to drink. Passionfruit and melon. Well chilled on its own or with spicy Asian-inspired food. ~ Yellowtail website

It’s good wine and I don’t even like melon. It’s slightly bubbly, slightly sweet, and when you’re poolside, it’s as delicious as a Raffaele Esposito special.

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Go Ask Your Father: Fitbit HR, AC/DC, Baths, and Aluminum Cans

In case you missed it this morning, I published yesterday’s Questions I Asked My Kids. Wonder what kind of animal hair Crash and Bang had?

To hell with the intro. Lets answer questions.

1. How does a Fitbit know your heart rate?

A tiny nurse fairy is packed comfortably in each one. I imagine she’s busty and her scrubs are a size or two too small. This is what I thought of while I on my last run. Except the fairy nurse was DW and it was Halloween. I’m sure she’s turning 50 shades of red now, but it sure helped me run faster. Alas, there are no sexy nurse fairies in your Fitbit. Just a flashy green light that uses a technology called photoplethysmography. It’s the same technology hospitals use in those finger and ear clips that also measure heart rates. My Fitbit tells me my heart rate is around 155 beats per minute when I’m running. I’m not sure if that’s from running or from imagining DW as my nurse.

2. What’s AC/DC?

92-high_voltage_symbolThey are what my boys call, The Masters of Rock and RollIt’s also my attempt to get them listening to the music I listened to when I listened to the music my parents listened to. AC/DC. Queen. Led Zeppelin. You know… that good ole rock and roll. AC/DC formed in 1973 in Sydney, Australia and are still playing. Their guitars are electric. Their guitars work on AC electricity. Alternating current is the kind of electricity that powers our homes and large rock concert arenas. The current flows both directions through the wire because of the magnet that is spun through coil of copper wire. With the poles of the magnet alternating as it spins so do to the electrons in the wire. Whereas DC, or direct current, supplies constant voltage and the electricity flows in just one direction. The battery in your favorite toy provide a direct current. The electricity flows out of one node, through the wires in your Buzz or Woody and back into the other end of the battery. And this, in fact, is exactly how the band got their name. Except it was from their sister’s sewing machine, not Buzz and Woody.

3. Why do I need a bath? 

Not me. I know I why I need a bath. I stink like a ass end of a fully loaded garbage truck. You, my sons, need a bath because you were playing in the dirt pile again. I’m not sure if you were playing in it or burying yourself in it. From the looks of it you must have been rubbing it all over yourself like Zsa Zsa Gabor puts on make-up. When you take bath, my favorite little dirt balls, please use soap. It’s kind of magical when it comes to removing the layers of grime you have caked on. Soap molecules have two ends. Lets call them a top and bottom (head and arse sound more fun, though). The top part is hydrophobic, it hates water and tries to get away. The bottom part is hydrophilic, it loves water. Remember that oil and water don’t mix and the oil rises to the surface? Well, the hydrophobic end of the soap molecule clings to that oil and dirt from your skin and become suspended in drops of water. When you rinse off, away go those water hating, dirt carrying molecules. Essentially, you make room for more dirt.

4. How much am I worth if I were an aluminum can?

First, I need to thank Antoniusrex for this question. He posed it in his latest post, Aluminum. I thought it was a fun question so I’m going to answer it here, too. Though slightly differently, and more in depth.

Here’s how I did the math…

I am 150 pounds (soaking wet). Google says there are 68,039 grams in 150 pounds (because there are 453.592 grams per pound). Today’s aluminum can weighs about 15 grams. If you do the division (but you don’t have to because I already did) that means I weigh as much as 4,536 aluminum cans. If you take that to recycling depot you’ll get 5¢, $.05, a nickel, per can. I’ll do the math for you again and 4,536 nickels equals $226.80. That’s barely enough to feed the hungry hungry hippos kids for a couple weeks. Guess it’s good that I’m not really refundable. I’m pretty worthless if I were. My Fitbit says my heart rate is 59 so I know I’m not an aluminum can and I will therefore Keep Calm and Be Human.

keep calm and rock on

35 Questions No One Has Asked Me

Except, Sandra over at A Momma’s View has asked them. I’ve got nothing else to on this Saturday night as the O’s take on the Red Sox and John Oliver reruns playing on HBO On Demand. I will now sit here, answer questions and help DW eat the chocolate she had hidden.

  1. Are you drooling when brushing your teeth? Yes, but I try not to, but I can’t help it.
  2. How often do you clean your bathroom? I cleaned it today! I think it was 2 weeks ago that it was cleaned last.
  3. Do you ever scratch your bum or you know what…? Only when I’m at home and there are no guests
  4. Do you smell your own armpits? Nope. No reason for my nose to be in there
  5. How long do you go till you wash your hair? It’s been at least 4 years since I washed my hair
  6. How often do you shower? Every other day or so. Depends on how stinky I am. If I can smell myself, it’s shower time
  7. Have you ever pooed and then realized you had not toilet paper? Yep.
  8. If you run out of toilet paper what would you use to clean your bum? Baby wipes
  9. What’s the silliest way you spend money? On running clothes. Always need more.
  10. Do you feel like the tourist nobody wants to have around when you are on vacation? Sometimes I slip in tourist mode while taking photos, but otherwise I try to pretend I’m not one
  11. Do you misbehave when you are on vacation (thinking spring break crazy)? Nope. Totally behaved
  12. Have you ever vomited over someone’s shoes? Can’t say that I have.
  13. Did you ever get so drunk that you couldn’t remember a single thing? Nope, haven’t done that either
  14. What do people really dislike about you? Probably how amazing of a wife I have.
  15. Is there something you tend to ignore in regards to your spouse? That she’s always right
  16. Do you snore? I’ve never heard myself, but I’m told I do
  17. Does your partner snore? She’s never heard herself, but I tell her she does
  18. How does it make you feel when you hear snoring? like laughing
  19. What do you do with ear wax? Clean it out of my ears with Q-Tips
  20. Do you play with your boogers? Sometimes we jump on the trampoline and sometimes we play with matchbox cars and sometimes the 2 little boogers want to play Wii.
  21. Do you check out your napkin after blowing your nose? Only to see if I have sinus infection. No rorschach tests
  22. When you drop food, do you eat it still? Only at home
  23. When you see a person that you find gross while on the beach, what do you do? Stare in mild amusment
  24. Do you like to be touched? Only by those closest to me
  25. Do you ask people how old they are? Nope. I guess. I’m usually way off.
  26. What do you think of people who have more than 6 kids? That they are either tough or stupid or a bit of both
  27. Have you ever told someone to pluck their eyebrows? Nope
  28. Have your kids ever asked inappropriate questions? Of course.
  29. Have you ever asked a stranger where they live? Nope
  30. Did you ever pee on someones fence or next to someone’s house? On a fence, yes. Didn’t belong to anyone and it was 4 miles away from civilization
  31. Have you ever watched someone while they were… well, you know… Pee? Just DW – open door policy and all
  32. When you are at the gym, do you check out other people there? Yep. I like to see who I’m working out with
  33. While at the gym, do you wipe your equipment after using it? Yep. It’s gross when others don’t
  34. Do you sweat a lot? I do
  35. Do you sometimes put deodorant on instead of showering? You betcha

There is no tagging. If want to answer them, feel free! 

10 #ParentingWin Tweets I found

We all love when we win as parents. Whether you figured out you could use the pizza cutter to cut up pancakes or your kids’ favorite song is a classic, the #ParentingWin can’t be denied. Here are ten rather amusing tweet randomly selected from Twitter.

1. A clever tip I plan on using

cape

2. When your kid is rocking out…

classics

3. What does the turtle say?

cowabunga

4. When mom makes it best…

kraft dinner

5. A just in case talent…

lock pick

6. When you find a more efficient way to play…

play phones

7. The best games…

Sleep Game

8. Wasn’t me!

stain

9. How you know your kid is a good person…

vader

10. How to catch a quick nap…

vulgar music

You can follow me on Twitter and Facebook. I’m sure you’ll find some #ParentingWins there!

How A Cookie Saved My Life

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I was walking home from school today and as I passed the grocery store I thought to myself (though I really said it aloud) “I should pick something up for dessert.” So I picked up monster cookies. These cookies are store made, the size of a man’s hand, and loaded with tiny M&M’s. Soft. Chewy. 8 cookies per pack.

So I buy the cookies and continue walking home. At the corner of McDonald’s and the gas station I push the pedestrian crossing button. Now, you might not believe me, but it’s true, I swear. I pushed that button and hole opened in the sidewalk. I peered in and there was a man down there. He looked exactly like me! I hollered down to him, “Do you need help?” He just looked up at me. So I offered him one of my monster cookies. “Mon up and have a cookie” I told him. I knew he could smell it because his nose twitched. I took a step back holding out the cookie. Lo and behold, out of the hole he climbed. So I gave him a monster cookie just like I promised. I think he smiled, then he simply walked away.

Being a curious guy, I looked into the hole again. It was empty now, but it was only about 4 or 5 feet deep so I climbed in. It was a tunnel, not a hole! I crawled in a short way and I suddenly felt myself sliding down. The tube was smooth and I couldn’t stop myself. I must have slide for at least 27 minutes.

Once I stopped moving I thought I was deep under ground, but I was wrong. I was under water! Technically, I was inside a huge bubble under water. It was a city inhabited by frog people. Two of them wrapped me up with their long sticky tongues and led me away. They took me to who I believed to be their queen. I thought of kissing her to see if she’d turn into a princess, but I kept my lips to myself. Turns out she wanted to send me to the slave pits to smash clams. Then I remembered the cookies so I offered her one for my freedom. I knew she could smell them because she licked her green frog lips.

They kick me out of their city on a green submarine that was piloted by a pirate. I don’t know where the pirate came from or why he had a submarine. I forgot to ask. Now, I know pirates are known thieves and this one seemed as slippery as squid snot. He looked at me with his one good eye and said, “Aye matey. You’ll make a fine deck hand on my pirate ship.” I always thought it would be fun to go sailing and work on those big, tall ships. Argh, the pirate life is not for me. So I offer him a monster cookie to drop me off somewhere safe. Preferably home.

Apparently pirates don’t negotiate, but they do eat cookies. That pirate left me on a deserted island. I walked around the island to find a way off. No luck. Then I walk through the woods and what do I find there? A giant, silver, flying saucer. Well it wasn’t flying, it was landed. Once the aliens saw me, though, they took me aboard. I thought for sure I was going to be probed in parts that aren’t for probing. They buckled me into a seat instead. Then it became a flying saucer. They said we were going to their planet, Xorgon and I would be put in the human zoo. I told their leader that I had cookies and he (she? I couldn’t tell) could have one if they’d take me back to Earth.

Now we’re on our way back to Earth, so I was told, when we suddenly stop. Lights of all colors were bouncing off the walls. Turns out we were stopped by intergalactic police! I told the leader alien the best way to get out of getting a ticket is to flash some boob, before I realized she didn’t have any boobs. Anyway, they arrest me for smuggling humans, even though I was the human. I’m riding in the back to the police rocket and I say, “Excuse me, Officer, I have this delicious cookie you can have if you don’t put me in jail. Police are easy to bribe. They’ll do anything for a cookie.

I’m sitting in the police station of some far off planet when Chief tells me a taxi is coming. You should have seen the size of this rocket ship taxi!  I climb in the co-pilot’s seat and we take off for Earth. We were going so fast that if I had had hair it would have caught fire. This taxi driver was a maniac! “Slow down!” I shout. He laughs, his fat belly jiggles, and a button popped off his shirt. Fortunately, he slows down. “Give me a cookie,” he says, “Or we’ll go even faster.” I had no choice but to give him one.

The taxi drops me off on Earth. I could tell something was different but couldn’t quite place it until I heard a thunderous sound and felt the ground shake. I could only stand in awe as a 40 foot T-Rex approached. It roared a monstrous roar. I threw a monster cookie at it and took off running. Then I saw a shimmery blue oval hovering in front of me, like a wall. With a terrible lizard wanting the rest of my cookies I had no choice but to jump in.

I found myself in a dark room. It smelled of dirt, felt like rock and was too short for me to stand up in. So I sat in my dark room and ate the last monster cookie. I must have sat there for at least 27 minutes when suddenly a bright light shone down on me. I squinted and looked up. “Do you need help?” I heard someone ask. I couldn’t see him because of the bright sunlight in my eyes. “Mon up and have a cookie,” I heard him say. The cookie smelled so good it made my nose twitchy. So I carefully climbed up out of the hole, took the cookie, smiled and walked home.

And this, kids, is why there is only one cookie left.

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Go Ask Your Father: Goose, First People, Anuses, and Staying Up Late

The sun! The heat! The grass is growing fast than the boys, which I didn’t think was possible. The weather is here, wish you were beautiful. (Thank for that line Jimmy Buffet) I just realized you can change the meaning of that statement with a simple coma. Wish you were, beautiful.

Bang is here crushing my candy. He beat a level for me, as he commonly does.
Me: Thanks for beating that level for me, bud.
Bang: You’re obviously welcome. I am the master, you know.

1. What’s a baby goose called?

A baby oyster is a spat. A baby kangaroo is a joey. A baby jellyfish is an ephyna. A baby pigeon is a squab. A baby spider is a spiderling. A baby alpaca is a cria. Many animals are pups or calves or chicks. A baby goose, though? That’s a gosling. Like the Ryan some females tend to drool over like I drool over a cheeseburger. It’s an old word, apparently. It’s from the Old Norse gǽslingr, from gás ‘goose’ + -ling. You know something else that is Old Norse? Thor, the God of Thunder.

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a baby goose

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not a baby goose

 

 

 

 

 

2. Who were the first people on Earth?

Depends on who you ask. If you ask Ken Ham the Christian Fundamentalist, Adam and Eve were the first people. He also believes the Earth was created 6,000 years ago. However, if you ask Bill Nye the Science Guy (BILL BILL BILL) the Earth is four and half billion years old and the first humans evolved from apes and human evolved around 2.8 million years ago. But that’s arguable among scientists. Just because it looks human doesn’t necessarily make it human. Did it use tools? How did it get food? How smart was it. I know some people who still haven’t quite finished evolving from their neanderthal status.

3. What’s an anus*?

Here’s how it happened. We were watching a video on YouTube and a family was at a science museum. They were looking at planets. The dad says, “There’s yer-anus.” His son then asks, “My anus?” And then Bang asks his question. The simple answer? It’s the hole your poop comes out. The long answer? It’s the end of your digestive tract. Food leaves your small intestines (10′ long) and enters your large intestines (5′ long). This is comprised of the ascending colon, the transverse colon, the descending colon and the sigmoid colon. From there it’s stored in the rectum until it’s ready for expulsion. Whether you’re ready or not.

*also called – one eyed pirate, the stink eye, a poop chute, President…

4. Can I stay up late?

If you have wee ones you have heard this question many times, no doubt. If you read Go Ask Your Father you have read this question before. Tonight, Crash is at a friend’s house for a sleepover. It’ll be the first time he’s gone farther from Nanny’s for a sleepover without his parents. So it’s just Bang and his parents playing Candy Crush. (I’m only at level 439. DW is at 560) Since it’s now 8:00 pm and he’s still awake, the answer is yes. Plus the Orioles play the Blue Jays in Baltimore so that game is on T.V. Will I be up late? Yes, yes I will.

If you’re up late, click here to check out (and follow!) my Facebook page. Then come back and click here to check out (and follow!) me on Twitter.

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