Go Ask Your Father: Tetanus, Climate, Probiotics, and Poop

My Orioles are just 49.5 games back from first place. I’ve seen better games from little leaguers. I got a new ball glove for my birthday and I’m tempted to try out. I think they need my help. in 1911 they lost 111 games that season. With just 37 more losses, they can tie that record. There are 43 games left so don’t count them out yet.

Now, if you’ll excuse us, it’s hot and we have a friend with a pool before we leave for Crash’s ball game that is over an hour away. Happy Tuesday (or here, aka Garbage Day) everyone!

1. What is a tetanus shot for?

It’s for the wound you’re about receive from swinging around that piece of wood that has two nails rustier than the Oriole’s bats (they’re currently 49 games back). This where the can of worms was opened. Does it hurt? How much does it hurt? What’s tetanus? My goal is to always answer their questions has honestly, simply as possible, and sufficiently enough to not raise more questions. I failed miserably here. Tetanus is caused by bacteria found in dirt and animal poop. This bacteria forms spores that are highly immune to heat and drugs. They are the Jason Borne of the bacteria world. Tetanus causes painful muscles contractions, often in the jaw and neck. Imagine labor contractions in your face. No thanks. I’ll pass. And there’s no cure for it. You may need to be put on life support until the disease runs its course. Lesson? Keep your tetanus vaccine up to date.

2. What is climate?

It’s that thing a certain president and his following of “deniers” don’t believe in. Though, to be fair they don’t believe that it’s changing. Canada is known for it’s cold weather. However, for the past six weeks we’ve had little rain and temperatures in the 90’s. For two weeks the temps were near or over 100F! Soon there will be palm trees and coconuts in Nova Scotia. Anyway, climate is different from weather in that weather is the day to day forecast while climate is over a longer period of time. Neil DeGrass Tyson has a great two minute explanation here. As the climate changes, so does the weather. There’s so much that can be effected and none of it is particularly good. Colder temperatures in winter mean less snow which means less ground water. Warmer temperatures mean more sickness. It could mean longer droughts. Worse floods. Stronger hurricanes. Melting ice caps and warmer oceans. Anyone who has had to flush a pet fish knows how sensitive fish can be to water temperature change.

3. What are probiotics?

They are biotics that get paid for what they do. They are pros. Like the NFL, NHL, MLB, MLS, NBA, and teachers. In the world of good guys and bad guys, probiotics are the superheroes. Captain America: Civil War was really about the microorganisms in our guts duking it out with the E. coli. These healthy, live bacteria keep our immune system strong and our digestive tract clean. In our time of antibiotics and antibacterial soaps and lotions, we also need to remember that we’re killing the good guys too. Imagine the Avengers fighting Thanos then Superman and Batman swoop in and just kill everyone.

4. Why’s my poop green.

Yellow, let it mellow. Brown flush it down. But what if it’s green? When you are summoned to the bathroom by a seven year old (or younger) it could be for any number of reason. This time it was see the color of poop. I didn’t take a picture, but believe me when I tell you it was the color of Crayola’s meadow green. This happened to us once before when we ate cookies made by Crayola. They came out the same color they went in. Anyway, Bang’s poop wasn’t green from eating too many leafy greens, I can promise you that. It was also wasn’t caused by anal fissures. So it must have just been a hiccup in his digestive tract somewhere. The most likely culprit is that his intestines moved the food along too quickly resulting in the bile pigment not being broken down in the stool to its normal brown color. Either way, it was nothing to lose our shit over so we just laughed and flushed it down.

Advertisement

The Funny Side of Parenting

Laughter is the best medicine. If you can’t laugh at yourself who can you laugh at? Sometimes you laugh at yourself. Sometimes your partner provides a giggle. However, most often it’s our offspring who give us the largest dose of hilarity. Perhaps it’s during the regular “bedatorial” when tell about their teacher being out for two weeks because she had to get her “goldfish” removed. (It was really her gall bladder). Perhaps it’s something hollered in a public area, like “his pee pee looks like yours!” (we were at a Body Worlds exhibit). Or perhaps they just did something foolish, like drained the waterbed in the bedroom. Either way, a good dose of laughter is dished out and stories about it will be told for years. Facebook and Twitter are full of such stories. Here are just a few that made my belly jiggle like a bowl full Jell-O.

Three Kids and A Classic Movie

“We watched that movie last weekend with the boys and one of their friends. I had to laugh when the movie opened with kissing and all three boys were like “Kissing? Already? UGH!” Then it cuts to 10 year old Fred Savage’s character saying the exact same thing.

Good times…

They still think kissing is gross.

They loved the movie, of course. What’s not to love. Andre the Giant. A six fingered man. Plenty of slapstick humor. The only part the six year old, Bang, was unsure of was the torturing of Wesley in the secret room under the tree. He had TONS of questions about that after the movie.

How did it make electricity?
Did it really hurt him?
How did all those gears turn?
Was it metal?
Why did he have to get electrocuted?

Some of them he asked multiple times just to make sure he understood it. I had to explain about generators and water wheels and electrical currents. I also explained acting that stuff in movies isn’t real. He was good after that. His favorite character was Andrew Andre the Giant. His favorite part was when Buttercup pushed Wesley down the giant hill then she rolled down after him.

We have also watched “Gremlins”, “The Neverending Story” and “The Goonies”. The Goonies was far more crude than I remember it. There weren’t any words in the movie they haven’t heard before. Naturally, the boys loved it. What’s not to love, though? Now they know why we don’t feed them after midnight. They also know why we sometimes call them Goonies and where their mother and I get the line “HEEEEY YOOOU GUUUUYS!”

What old classics have your kids watched? Was their reaction what you expected?

For more antics you can follow me on Twitter and Instagram.

Hold it, Hold it! Is this a kissing book?

Local Music

First, Happy Star Wars Day. May the 4th be with you.

---

I told you yesterday about missing Z day because we went to a concert where a friend of ours was performing. Today, I’m going to carry on with the music theme. This is another local musician. He also happens to be DW’s cousin.

Steve is wicked good with his guitar. His voice is easily recognizable, too. I could pick it out of a police line up from 50 paces without my glasses. What it’s doing in the police line-up is beyond me. You’ll have to ask Steve.

He is a singer/songwriter with a sound like no other. He sounds like the birth child of Joni Mitchell, Stan Rogers, and a Fender. He took a few years off from writing songs (if 15 is a few). He’s back at it again with new songs. As always, they’re songs we can connect to. They’re as real as the voice he uses to bring them to life. We’ve heard him play so many times. Sometimes in his own home. Sometimes at the venue of his latest gig. Sometimes solo and sometimes with friends. Now you can hear him at his newest gig… Right here on this little blog.

Sit back, relax, and turn your speakers up. Then close your eyes and imagine yourself at thirteen years old and just discovering love. As love walks into your life, it could also “walk right out again.”

Without further ado, Here’s Story of Love. Let us known what you think of it down in the comments.

https://www.facebook.com/plugins/video.php?href=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2Fsteve.macintyre.7%2Fvideos%2F10160133710960523%2F&show_text=0&width=267

N is for…

It is for so many things. Especially things that deal with kids and parenting.

Normal. What the hell is that, anyway? Once you have kids, the definition of normal is significantly changed. Before having kids and we wanted to go out to eat, normally we would just go out to eat wherever we wanted. Now? Now, we fight with kids who can’t find their other shoe, herd them to the vehicle and attempt to have a civilized meal at a restaurant that has food we know our heathens will eat. Before having kids we normally got to sleep all night. After, normal became waking every 2 hours (at best) for feedings and changings, waking for a sick kid, or one who was scared of the monster under the bed, or was thirsty. Or just wanted to ask what you were doing.

Nosy much? Who are you talking to on the phone? Who are texting? Whatcha eating? Where are you going? Why are you sitting on the toilet? Maybe it’s curiosity. They ask a million other questions, too. It’s probably not curiosity. They’re just nosy. All up in my business. Do your kids watch you on your phone from over your shoulder? That my cue to shut it off until they’re either preoccupied entertaining themselves or in bed asleep.

Night night love you. The last words we hear before enjoy a couple hours of blissful quiet while we watch Mom and Dad shows. No Teen Titans Go. No Beyblade Burst cartoons. No Pokemon anime. Just The Voice, The Good Doctor, This Is Us, Grey’s Anatomy, Station 19, Blindspot. We get to eat food without having to share it.

Noisy much? Oh the noises we hear. Crash! Bang! Boom! Clunk thunk kachunk. Beeps and boops. Thunderfeet. Temper tantrums. Screams, whining, questions. Laughter. We’re bombarded with noise all day. As they age, though, they often quiet down (most of the time) as their noise making faces become more and more engrossed in electronics. There will come a day when we realize our life is unusually quiet. So for now, all we need to do is learn to breathe, embrace the chaos, and enjoy the noise that is our life. This is what normal is now.

J is for… #atozchallenge

Who doesn’t love a good dad joke? Or bad one? The term “dad joke” has become synonymous with any joke so bad, so lame, the best reaction you can hope for is an eye roll. Most them are just punny.

I was hoping my 10 jokes would make people laugh, but no pun in ten did.

You need a sense of humor if you’re going to be a parent. How else will you survive your kids? Between the things kids do and the things they say, we’ve got enough ammo to keep us laughing for years to come. So they got their head stuck in a concrete block when they were two. So they covered their little brother with the entire jar of peanut butter. So they loudly compare your anatomy to that of a model in the Body Worlds museum. I an guarantee Parenthood will be full of more laughter than your bladder can hold.

Me: Doctor, you’ve got to help me. I’m addicted to Twitter.
Doctor: I don’t follow you.

Q: When does a joke become a dad joke?
A: When the punch line becomes apparent.

The mother of three notoriously unruly youngsters was asked whether or not she’d have children if she had to do over again.
“Sure,” she replied, “but not the same ones.”

The dinner I was cooking for my family was going to be a surprise but the fire trucks ruined it.

Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.

I’ll clean my house when the last kid has moved out.

Q: What part of your family can you see through?
A: A transparent.

Have a good parenting pun/joke? I’d love to hear it! Happy hump day!

For more laughs you can follow me on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.

Go Ask Your Father: The Lightning Round

I’m currently sitting here listening to a kitchen concert live on Facebook. A friend of ours is a wicked guitar player and singer and likes to put on “concerts” live from his kitchen. He takes requests and just plays for a while. Good times.

Tonight, I thought I’d change up the Go Ask Your Father a bit and make it a lightning round. This is the little questions they ask that requires little thought, no Google, and minimal explanation. There are hundreds, if not thousands, of them every day. You have to be careful answering these questions because it could lead to more questions. Then you might as well open the hornets’ nest.

1. Who pissed themselves?

*Back story: Driving home from school, I was telling DW that the teacher I was subbing for was there in the morning but left before 8:45 because she wasn’t feeling well. She had been sick the day before, too. DW said she “She came back too soon. She pushed herself too hard.” From the backseat we hear, “Who pissed themselves?”

No buddy, we said she PUSHED herself. We laughed and laughed the whole way home.

2. Where’s our radio stick?

It didn’t take us long to figure out that “radio stick” meant antenna. That would be the thing on top of our truck that has a beach ball stuck to it. It’s our way of keeping summer in our heart all through winter.

3. Can I go on my tablet?

Giv’er. Just make sure you set a tablet timer on Alexa (Amazon Echo) so you know when your half hour is up. Oh. You already had an hour? No tablet for you. Go find something else to do. You may throw a temper tantrum. It won’t get you more tablet time, though.

4. Can I earn more tablet time?

Of course. Your toys in the basement need to be put away. That’ll earn you 10 minutes. The stair up and the stairs down need to be vacuumed (up to the upstairs and down to the basement). That’ll get you 5 minutes each. Emptying the dishwasher will get you another 15 minutes. Correctly tell me how many minutes that is and the tablet is all yours.

5. Why do we have to be quiet in church for 2 days?

Because if you embarrass me being loud I will embarrass you ten times worse later. We were quiet yesterday and today entering and exiting because yesterday was Jesus’s last supper and today is the day Jesus died so it’s a somber time. Somber means sad, my favorite 10 year old.

6. What’s for supper?

Usually, I’ll tell them whale tongue (pork tenderloin) or boiled worms and slug sauce (spaghetti) or alligator legs (shake-n-bake chicken) or elephant heart (roast beef) Anything to gross them out, really. What’d I’d like to say is, “Use your eyes, my dear child. It’s on the stove.” 6 out of 7 days I enjoy cooking. That 7th day, though… I’m tired of keeping them alive. If they’re that hungry, they’ll find something. Usually we opt for eating out. Less mess, no cooking, happy dad. You know the saying, happy dad, happy… nevermind, there is no saying.

7. How many cookies can I have?

Like my mama told me, 2. You can have one for each hand because then your hands are full. In house full of cookie monsters they will fill their hands, empty their hands, then refill. I try to limit them so I can get my fill after they go to bed. I hide the Cadbury mini eggs in the veggie drawer. No one finds them there.

How to Survive Marriage

DW and I are coming up on 13 years of marriage in July. I know that’s not long in the whole scope of things. However, when the 15 years we’ve known each other is held up to other relationships we’ve been in, the others pale in comparison. Each of us were in 4 year relationships before. The one we’re in now is over three times as long!

Being a member of male species meant I had a lot to learn. While I didn’t necessarily learn it quickly or even on the first try for that matter, I did learn some valuable lessons on how to keep a marriage strong, healthy, and fun.

In the beginning, I wasn’t too good at many of these. Marriage has a learning curve, after all. Eventually, we learned how to be married and it has made all difference.

A simple “thanks” goes a long way…

Was supper cooked and it was edible? Perhaps it was even delicious. Thank them for for their time and effort to keep you alive. It lets them know you appreciate it and perhaps they’ll do it again tomorrow. They washed your dirty clothes? Perhaps they even put them away for you. Thank them for it so you won’t have to go naked, or worse, wear stinky filthy clothes in public.

Kiss your spouse before you leave for work…

It’s a proven scientific fact that spouse who kiss each other goodbye live longer.

A study conducted during the 1980’s found that men who kiss their wives before leaving for work live longer, get into fewer car accidents, and have a higher income than married men who don’t.

~Joshua Foer NY Times

While getting married certainly isn’t a get rich quick scheme and having kids a certainly a get poor quick scheme, it will help you live longer. I suppose it gives us a reason to come home. If home is where the kisses (and suppers) are, I’m coming home every day. Perhaps it has something to do with wives not killing husbands for being ignored in the morning.

Scare the living shit out of each other…

Jump scares are hilarious. However, be cautious because this has a negative effect on the kisses that lengthen your life. At least once in the marriage scare your spouse while they’re in the shower. Or while they’re drying their hair. From my experience, only attempt this once. Kisses and life are important; a second attempt could put you in the intensive care ward. Also, be prepared for immediate retaliation. While my mom was drying her hair my dad sneaked up behind her with a wooden spoon and a pot.

I’ve never seen anyone in an electric chair, but I now know what it looks like.

~My Dad

Keep the competition alive…

Board games. Video games. Games with friends. Made up games. Fitness challenges. It keeps the competition alive and when the two of you are trying to best each other you are also besting yourself. By competing against each other you make yourself better, too. Be that at Scrabble, Cards Against Humanity, Fitbit, The Punch Buggy game or whatever challenge floats your boat. And if you lose, suck it up. It’s just a game. Shake hands, kiss and try again next time.

Know how to argue…

 There’s no need for screaming matches. The kids provide enough of that for everyone. Besides, once you’ve started screaming, the arguing has ended. And just because you’re right doesn’t mean you get to rub in. Unless it was just a playful argument for the sake of arguing. Then you get say “I told you so”. Also, using past offenses is illegal unless it directly applies to the current argument. Someone once said that DW and I likely never argue, that we’re THAT couple. While we may not argue any more, we do have some lively discussions. Like that one about what that student’s last name was. Turns out she was right. Again.

 Find the time, the humor, and the love…

A couple who can laugh with each other and at each each will be a happy couple. You’ve got to find the humor, even if it’s just in the little things like the way I dance like a dizzy June bug and sing like a drunk donkey. Find the time for each other, too. Find yourself without the kids for an hour? Go to lunch or for coffee or a climbing wall. Make it date, even it’s just to school for a parent/teacher conference. Find the time to be married. Find the time where you don’t have be Mom and Dad, but husband and wife. Give head scratches or back scratches or ear rubs or whatever it is to help your bed buddy fall asleep. Give kisses on the forehead, too. Kiss them good bye. Kiss them hello. Kiss them good night. Kiss them good morning. And grab their butt and call them beautiful.

Questions I Asked My Kids: Ep64

US Gun debates are running wild around the world. Education reform is stirring up some strong emotions here in Nova Scotia. Change is needed in both places and I feel like those with the most power to make those changes happen aren’t listening to the ones who know what changes need to be made.

But that stuff is too heavy for a Jeudi. That’s French for Thursday. I substituted in a French Immersion class yesterday and today and the little ones had a blast trying to teach me some pronunciations. Guess it’s time I start taking some French courses!

Pouvez-vous parler français?

1. What do you like daydreaming about?

Crash: Minecraft and Pokemon Battles with real Pokemon
Bang: I feel like I’m still sleeping… even when I’m in school.

2. If you could do anything right now, what would you do?

Crash: Stay up late and play video games… Geometry Dash!
Bang: Play electronics all night… Geometry Dash!

3. If you opened a store, what would you sell?

Crash: Candy, Pokemon, Minecraft Figures, Books about Pokemon and Minecraft, and super snuggly, ultracomfy stuffies
Bang: Things from Sobey’s (grocery store) like bread, cookies, and milk

4. If you could grow anything in the yard, what would it be?

Crash: A big orange or apple tree
Bang: I would grow more electronics!

5. What sounds do you like?

Crash: Farting, my favorite songs
Bang: Wawa (imagine Charlie Brown’s teacher) and creepy noises

6. What sounds do you not like?

Crash: When I’m laying in bed at night and I hear thump thump thump
Bang: I hate the word “this”

7. If you could ask a wild animal any question, what would you ask?

Crash: I would ask an eagle if I could be best friends with him
Bang: I would ask a wolf, “Can I ride you?”

8. What animal would make a great racecar driver?

Crash: Cheetah because they’re fast and used to the speed
Bang: A giraffe because he would stick through the roof and be able to see all the cars

9. What makes our family so awesome?

Crash: That I’m in it and that we have an amazingly cute Quaker Parrot
Bang: Nothing, our family isn’t awesome because you yell at us

10. If you could make up a new holiday, what would it be?

Crash: There’s already a Minecraft Day so I’ll make a Pokemon Day
Bang: Booty Time and on June 10th you go outside and take all your clothes off

Some Parenting Funnies from the Internets

Parenting is hilarious. Or at least it has the potential to be. God knows what might come out of our children’s mouth. God knows what kind of mischief they will get into next. It’s a roulette wheel of possibilities. It’s a crap shoot (HAHA) of potential opportunities.

So, because it’s late, because my kids are in bed (one is still hacking and coughing), I’m here to lighten the mood, lift a few spirits, and remind you that you’re not alone in the struggle.

Bang was watching the men’s luge. They were zipping down the ice at 130 kph. He said he wants to do that. This is the same child who was scared of waterslides last summer.

Tonight, while Facetiming my parents I had one kid licking the iPad and the other putting his feet on my head.

WTH?

Did your kid make you laugh today?