10 #ParentingWin Tweets I found

We all love when we win as parents. Whether you figured out you could use the pizza cutter to cut up pancakes or your kids’ favorite song is a classic, the #ParentingWin can’t be denied. Here are ten rather amusing tweet randomly selected from Twitter.

1. A clever tip I plan on using

cape

2. When your kid is rocking out…

classics

3. What does the turtle say?

cowabunga

4. When mom makes it best…

kraft dinner

5. A just in case talent…

lock pick

6. When you find a more efficient way to play…

play phones

7. The best games…

Sleep Game

8. Wasn’t me!

stain

9. How you know your kid is a good person…

vader

10. How to catch a quick nap…

vulgar music

You can follow me on Twitter and Facebook. I’m sure you’ll find some #ParentingWins there!

How A Cookie Saved My Life

jumbo_monster_cookies3

I was walking home from school today and as I passed the grocery store I thought to myself (though I really said it aloud) “I should pick something up for dessert.” So I picked up monster cookies. These cookies are store made, the size of a man’s hand, and loaded with tiny M&M’s. Soft. Chewy. 8 cookies per pack.

So I buy the cookies and continue walking home. At the corner of McDonald’s and the gas station I push the pedestrian crossing button. Now, you might not believe me, but it’s true, I swear. I pushed that button and hole opened in the sidewalk. I peered in and there was a man down there. He looked exactly like me! I hollered down to him, “Do you need help?” He just looked up at me. So I offered him one of my monster cookies. “Mon up and have a cookie” I told him. I knew he could smell it because his nose twitched. I took a step back holding out the cookie. Lo and behold, out of the hole he climbed. So I gave him a monster cookie just like I promised. I think he smiled, then he simply walked away.

Being a curious guy, I looked into the hole again. It was empty now, but it was only about 4 or 5 feet deep so I climbed in. It was a tunnel, not a hole! I crawled in a short way and I suddenly felt myself sliding down. The tube was smooth and I couldn’t stop myself. I must have slide for at least 27 minutes.

Once I stopped moving I thought I was deep under ground, but I was wrong. I was under water! Technically, I was inside a huge bubble under water. It was a city inhabited by frog people. Two of them wrapped me up with their long sticky tongues and led me away. They took me to who I believed to be their queen. I thought of kissing her to see if she’d turn into a princess, but I kept my lips to myself. Turns out she wanted to send me to the slave pits to smash clams. Then I remembered the cookies so I offered her one for my freedom. I knew she could smell them because she licked her green frog lips.

They kick me out of their city on a green submarine that was piloted by a pirate. I don’t know where the pirate came from or why he had a submarine. I forgot to ask. Now, I know pirates are known thieves and this one seemed as slippery as squid snot. He looked at me with his one good eye and said, “Aye matey. You’ll make a fine deck hand on my pirate ship.” I always thought it would be fun to go sailing and work on those big, tall ships. Argh, the pirate life is not for me. So I offer him a monster cookie to drop me off somewhere safe. Preferably home.

Apparently pirates don’t negotiate, but they do eat cookies. That pirate left me on a deserted island. I walked around the island to find a way off. No luck. Then I walk through the woods and what do I find there? A giant, silver, flying saucer. Well it wasn’t flying, it was landed. Once the aliens saw me, though, they took me aboard. I thought for sure I was going to be probed in parts that aren’t for probing. They buckled me into a seat instead. Then it became a flying saucer. They said we were going to their planet, Xorgon and I would be put in the human zoo. I told their leader that I had cookies and he (she? I couldn’t tell) could have one if they’d take me back to Earth.

Now we’re on our way back to Earth, so I was told, when we suddenly stop. Lights of all colors were bouncing off the walls. Turns out we were stopped by intergalactic police! I told the leader alien the best way to get out of getting a ticket is to flash some boob, before I realized she didn’t have any boobs. Anyway, they arrest me for smuggling humans, even though I was the human. I’m riding in the back to the police rocket and I say, “Excuse me, Officer, I have this delicious cookie you can have if you don’t put me in jail. Police are easy to bribe. They’ll do anything for a cookie.

I’m sitting in the police station of some far off planet when Chief tells me a taxi is coming. You should have seen the size of this rocket ship taxi!  I climb in the co-pilot’s seat and we take off for Earth. We were going so fast that if I had had hair it would have caught fire. This taxi driver was a maniac! “Slow down!” I shout. He laughs, his fat belly jiggles, and a button popped off his shirt. Fortunately, he slows down. “Give me a cookie,” he says, “Or we’ll go even faster.” I had no choice but to give him one.

The taxi drops me off on Earth. I could tell something was different but couldn’t quite place it until I heard a thunderous sound and felt the ground shake. I could only stand in awe as a 40 foot T-Rex approached. It roared a monstrous roar. I threw a monster cookie at it and took off running. Then I saw a shimmery blue oval hovering in front of me, like a wall. With a terrible lizard wanting the rest of my cookies I had no choice but to jump in.

I found myself in a dark room. It smelled of dirt, felt like rock and was too short for me to stand up in. So I sat in my dark room and ate the last monster cookie. I must have sat there for at least 27 minutes when suddenly a bright light shone down on me. I squinted and looked up. “Do you need help?” I heard someone ask. I couldn’t see him because of the bright sunlight in my eyes. “Mon up and have a cookie,” I heard him say. The cookie smelled so good it made my nose twitchy. So I carefully climbed up out of the hole, took the cookie, smiled and walked home.

And this, kids, is why there is only one cookie left.

simone-weil-philosopher-quote-imagination-and-fiction-make-up-more

Go Ask Your Father: Goose, First People, Anuses, and Staying Up Late

The sun! The heat! The grass is growing fast than the boys, which I didn’t think was possible. The weather is here, wish you were beautiful. (Thank for that line Jimmy Buffet) I just realized you can change the meaning of that statement with a simple coma. Wish you were, beautiful.

Bang is here crushing my candy. He beat a level for me, as he commonly does.
Me: Thanks for beating that level for me, bud.
Bang: You’re obviously welcome. I am the master, you know.

1. What’s a baby goose called?

A baby oyster is a spat. A baby kangaroo is a joey. A baby jellyfish is an ephyna. A baby pigeon is a squab. A baby spider is a spiderling. A baby alpaca is a cria. Many animals are pups or calves or chicks. A baby goose, though? That’s a gosling. Like the Ryan some females tend to drool over like I drool over a cheeseburger. It’s an old word, apparently. It’s from the Old Norse gǽslingr, from gás ‘goose’ + -ling. You know something else that is Old Norse? Thor, the God of Thunder.

canada-gosling

a baby goose

ryan-gosling_cannes-63rd

not a baby goose

 

 

 

 

 

2. Who were the first people on Earth?

Depends on who you ask. If you ask Ken Ham the Christian Fundamentalist, Adam and Eve were the first people. He also believes the Earth was created 6,000 years ago. However, if you ask Bill Nye the Science Guy (BILL BILL BILL) the Earth is four and half billion years old and the first humans evolved from apes and human evolved around 2.8 million years ago. But that’s arguable among scientists. Just because it looks human doesn’t necessarily make it human. Did it use tools? How did it get food? How smart was it. I know some people who still haven’t quite finished evolving from their neanderthal status.

3. What’s an anus*?

Here’s how it happened. We were watching a video on YouTube and a family was at a science museum. They were looking at planets. The dad says, “There’s yer-anus.” His son then asks, “My anus?” And then Bang asks his question. The simple answer? It’s the hole your poop comes out. The long answer? It’s the end of your digestive tract. Food leaves your small intestines (10′ long) and enters your large intestines (5′ long). This is comprised of the ascending colon, the transverse colon, the descending colon and the sigmoid colon. From there it’s stored in the rectum until it’s ready for expulsion. Whether you’re ready or not.

*also called – one eyed pirate, the stink eye, a poop chute, President…

4. Can I stay up late?

If you have wee ones you have heard this question many times, no doubt. If you read Go Ask Your Father you have read this question before. Tonight, Crash is at a friend’s house for a sleepover. It’ll be the first time he’s gone farther from Nanny’s for a sleepover without his parents. So it’s just Bang and his parents playing Candy Crush. (I’m only at level 439. DW is at 560) Since it’s now 8:00 pm and he’s still awake, the answer is yes. Plus the Orioles play the Blue Jays in Baltimore so that game is on T.V. Will I be up late? Yes, yes I will.

If you’re up late, click here to check out (and follow!) my Facebook page. Then come back and click here to check out (and follow!) me on Twitter.

5921e7e5bb074006a445a31c1f239d4e-kids-parenting-parenting-memes

Questions I Asked My Kids: ep 43

1. If you were to make a new flavor of potato chip, what flavor would you make?

Crash: Strawberry
Bang: Strawberry apple
Mom: Asiago something

2. If you create a new baseball team to play the Orioles, what would their name be and what colors is their uniform?

Crash: The Benchwarmers and they’d be light brown and white
Bang: Their uniform would be yellow and black and white. Their name would be The Jeffy Bronze
Mom: [stares blankly]

3. If you had to change your name to something in this room, what would you be called?

Crash: Janigle (one of his stuffies)
Bang: Wall
Mom: George (as in Curious George)

4. If Canada were to make a new coin, who’s face should they put on it?

Crash: My own
Bang: Pop Pop’s
Mom: Mine

5. Would you rather have 4 eyes or 4 arms. Why?

Crash: 4 arms so I could do the dishes faster (he doesn’t do dishes)
Bang: 4 arms so I can floss my teeth faster
Mom: 4 arms so I can get more done

6. What would be the coolest why to go to school?

Crash: Bugatti
Bang: Airplane
Mom: Hovercraft

7. What would be the grossest jelly bean flavor?

Crash: Snot
Bang: Hippopotamus
Mom: Poop

8. If you had to describe yourself with one word, what would you NOT use?

Crash: Stupids
Bang: Boring
Mom: Skinny

9. What song do you want to listen to in the truck?

Crash: That song on Google Play music that made us laugh (it was on Ini Kamoze station, but I have no idea which song or who sings it)
Bang: Here Comes the Hotstepper
Mom: Play that Song

10. What animal would be funny to bring into our house?

Crash: Elephant because when he sits on the couch he’ll break it
Bang: Another Piper (quaker parrot)
Mom: Monkeys who fling poo at Hubband

Questions I Asked My Kids and My Parents: Episode 42

#LifeWithKids

Here’s how it played out this evening…

Me: Where is your bowl of salsa that you didn’t finish?
The Boys: Spilled on the basement stairs
Me: (deep sigh) So it’s all over the carpet?
The Boys: And the wall.

Just another day cleaning up messes! As you can read in the title I included my parents in the festivities this week. They, like the boys, they didn’t fail to entertain… Happy Reading!

1. If part of your body became robotic, which part would you want it to be?

Crash: My heart
Bang: My ribs, they would explode then grow again
Nana: My brain. Hopefully a robot brain would work better than mine.
Pop Pop: My head

2. What will you miss about being a kid when you grow up?

Crash: I’m going to miss not having to go to jail
Bang: Playing Mario Kart Wii because I’ll have to go to places and stuff like that
Nana: Being so naive to the problems of the world.
Pop Pop: No schedules

3. Pretend you’re a deep sea diver and you find a treasure chest. How did it get there?

Crash: There were two pirate ships with laser cannons and one shot lasers at the other ship that had 10 treasure chests with 350,000,000 dollars. The laser sunk the ship and scattered the treasure chests across the ocean.
Bang: Somebody exploded a crystal and there was a treasure chest in it and they threw it in the water
Nana: Pirates
Pop Pop: I put it there because I have too many

4. If you were to start a new collection, what would you like to collect?

Crash: Funko Pops
Bang: Pillows
Nana: Money
Pop Pop: Cars

5. If your skin were to turn into the skin of an animal, which animal would you choose?

Crash: Chameleon
Bang: Turtle skin
Nana: Otter, their pelt is gorgeous and waterproof
Pop Pop: Jaguar

6. If your voice turned into an animal sound, which animal would you want to sound like?

Crash: A lion so I could be a roaring chameleon
Bang: A cow MOOOOO!
Nana: Hyena, they laugh all the time.
Pop Pop: Grizzly Bear

7. If you got to put any three things from the grocery store in the cart, what would you put in?

Crash: Bear Paws, Milk, and Cookies
Bang: Ice cream, cookies, and lemons
Nana: Famous Amos cookies, Moose Tracks ice cream, and the store’s safe!
Pop Pop: Butter pecan ice cream , red meat and the lottery ticket dispenser

8. What do you love to learn about?

Crash: Video games
Bang: God
Nana: US History
Pop Pop: UFO’s and Aliens

9. If your picture was in the dictionary, what word would it be next to?

Crash: Amazing
Bang: Eye
Nana: D’oh
Pop Pop: Immortal

10. What does Mom want for Mother’s Day?

Crash: Tickets to a spa, no doubt.
Bang: To get squished! Or a canvass to paint on
Nana: Good question
Pop Pop: Amazon Gift Card

Are you questioning where to find me? I have an answer: Facebook and Twitter!

Lucy At Home

The Funny Thing About Rain

My Ark is complete. The animals were loaded two by two. Here we are in the backyard…

As you can see we’re flooded. Okay, so technically it’s not that bad. But remember when I showed you our forecast and it said rain until Wednesday? Now it’s going to rain until Saturday. That’s 8 days of rain. It hasn’t been on and off either. It’s been steady, beat the windows, drown a fish kind of rain. I think I’ve got swamp foot.

I’m going to worship the sun when it comes back.

The rain has now overstayed its welcome so I will now poke fun at it. Perhaps if it sees it’s unwelcome it’ll pack up and move out.

Good bye!
Adios!
Au revoir!
Totsiens!
Tot ziens!
Auf wiedersehen!
안녕

Jokes on you, rain! (Thanks jokes4us.com)

Q: What is a king’s favorite kind of precipitation?
A: Hail! 

Q: When does it rain money?
A: When there is “change” in the weather. 

Q: What’s the difference between a horse and the weather?
A: One is reined up and the other rains down. 

Q: Why does Snoop dog need an umbrella?
A: Fo’ Drizzle. 

Q: What do you call it when it rains chickens and ducks?
A: Foul (fowl) weather. 

Q: What did one raindrop say to the other?
A: Two’s company, three’s a cloud 

Q: Why did the man use ketchup in the rain?
A: Because it was raining cats and hot dogs. 

Q: Where did the meteorologist stop for a drink on the way home from a long day in the studio?
A: The nearest ISOBAR 

Q: What’s worse than raining buckets?
A: Hailing taxis! 

Q: How can you wrap a cloud?
A: with a rainbow. 

Q: What goes up when the rain comes down?
A: An Umbrella. 

Q: What do you call two straight days of rain in Seattle?
A: A weekend. 

Q: What is the Mexican weather report?
A: Chili today and hot tamale. 

Q: When is Monday coming?
A: MonSoon! 

Q: What do you call a wet bear?
A: A drizzly bear 

Q: What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle?
A: An extra hour of rain. 

Q: Where do lightning bolts go on dates?
A: To cloud 9 

Q: What did the hail storm say to the roof?
A: Hang onto your shingles, this will be no ordinary sprinkles. 

Q: What did the evaporating raindrop say?
A: I’m going to pieces. 

Q: What did one raindrop say to the other raindrop?
A: My plop is bigger than your plop. 

Q: How can Santa deliver presents during a thunderstorm?
A: His sleigh is flown by raindeer. 

Q: What is a queens favorite kind of precipitation?
A: Reign! 

Q: Can Bees fly in the rain?
A: Not without their yellow jackets 

Q: How do lightning bolts flirt?
A: They electrocute each other 

Q: How do thunderstorms invest their money?
A: In a combination of liquid assets and frozen assets 

Q: What do you call a months worth of rain?
A: England 

Q: What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A: A rain of terror. 

Q: Why was the blonde standing outside the department store in the rain?
A: She was waiting to cash her rain check! 

Q: What often falls but never gets hurt?
A: Rain 

Q: Why is sex like a thunderstorm?
A: “You never know how many inches you’ll get and how long it’ll last.” 


rain

Don’t forget to float on over and follow me on Facebook and Twitter!

Z is for The End

Z

 

is for clever twist. According to Crossword Clue Solver there are 829 Z words. This post will use one of them.

I’ve been waiting for 25 letters to share this one. There’s a book we’ve checked out from the library numerous times. Mike Lester wrote a book in 2000 that invokes laughter and thought in equal measure. When you hear “A is for Salad” you know something is a bit off. Until you see the illustration, that is.

I’ve imitated this strategy in a few posts through this ABC to XYZ Challenge. VT, and E are few example of when I told you the letter but what it was for didn’t match. Until you read the post, that is. As you can see in the photo, A is certainly not for salad, but for the alligator that is eating the salad.

It’s a clever twist on your typical alphabet book. We writers are suckers for clever twists. (That’s why Usual Suspects is one of my all time favorite movies) We also know that “The End” isn’t really “The End”. It’s just the point at which the story stops being told.

Butt, this is the alphabet. There is nothing past Z. Or Zed. Or Зэд. Or ゼッド. (Thanks Google Translate)

So here we are…

There’s nowhere to go from here…

I guess this is it…

Z is for The End…

zebra butt

X is for A Word That Technically Doesn’t Start with X But Has An X In It

X words are hard. Arguably the toughest letter to write in the A to Z Challenge. X words are very limited. If you include names of people, places, events and rare old words there are only about 400 of them. If you don’t include all those other words there are really only two X people use. X-ray and xyolphone. The only other time x is used is if you’re a Roman numeral or a math problem. 

So today I’ll cheat and use a word that has an X in it. It may not be the first letter, but it is the second. So it’s close. 

Eplain. Because I do a lot of eplaining through the day.

  • why they have to get up and get ready for school
  • why they need to stay in bed and sleep more
  • why it’s time to go
  • why they have to brush their teeth
  • why they have to put pants on
  • why they can’t have a snack 5 minutes before supper time
  • why they need to pee IN the toilet instead of ON the toilet

The list goes on, of course. I’m sure you could even fill it in for me. If you explain enough consecutive why questions you reach the beginning of the Universe and start to believe this is just some weird experiement and we’re all just a part of the Matrix and you’re most definitely not the Chosen One. 

So why have I had to explain most recently?

1. What is an arse?

We asked Google this one. There’s a fun feature on my phone where all I have to do is say  “Okay Google” and it wakes up and starts listening. I wish the boys were that responsive. DW wishes I was that responsive. I was going to ask Google about the Orioles game from the night before except when I went to say “Orioles” someone else hollered “Fart-arse!” Google didn’t understand and I was laughing to hard to correct it. So we asked, “What’s an arse?” Interestingly enough it did not show me my own picture. She simply told me it’s the British spelling of ass. I’m not British so therefore I’m not an arse. That’s sound logic.

2. How many burgers can a cow make?

I took out a pound of ground beef the other day to make whatever I was making for supper. Being mediocre at math, I knew that I could get four quarter pound hamburgers from it. For those less than mediocre, there are four quarters in one whole (pound in this case). But how many could I get from a whole cow? I’ve seriously considered investing in a cow, or perhaps the whole damn farm, just to supply Crash and Bang with milk. Alas, I know the work schedule of a dairy farmer and it’s not for me. So our milk will come from the grocery store. Anyway, if your cow weighs a thousand pounds, a half ton, you could make about 4,500 burgers. However, that would be equivalent to a Happy Meal burger. If you want a quarter pounder you’ll only get about a thousand burgers from a thousand pound cow. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need a Big Mac and a Whopper.

3. How do checks work?

Checks are still used. Though there were 12.2 billion fewer in 2012 than 2006. I’m sure there are even few than that today. The MICR (pronounced mick-er) line is the important part. This is the line of characters at the bottom of the check. This line include the routing number (aka the banks “address”), your account number, and the check number. The rest of the check you fill in yourself – the recipient, the amount, the date, and your signature. The MICR line is machine readable because the check is scanned and imaged to be processed electronically. Small scanners can handle 45 checks per minute. Large ones can scan hundreds or thousands in the same amount of time. Same as comparing how many meters I can run in a minute compared to Usain Bolt. Your phone acts as a such a scanner when you take a picture of your check and send to the bank to be process electronically. Checks are then destroyed. If you submit a check electronically it’s up to you to destroy. Just give it to my kids. They can tear the hinges off of Hades. They’ll have no trouble wrecking your check so it can’t be deposited twice.

4. Can we get pizza with balls on it?

This reminds of the story of when we went to McDonalds. It was my parents, my brother, and myself. I think I was in high school at the time. Dad asked for an ice cream sundae. They asked if he wanted nuts on it. My brother and I chimed in from the backseat, “Yeah get nuts. Sweaty ones.” My dad was laughing so hard he couldn’t complete the order and had to drive around the restaraunt and re-enter the drive though. So when Bang asked if he could balls on his pizza I nearly lost it. He doesn’t get it, yet, but one day he will. The balls he’s referring to are sausage. He’ll eat fish, sketti meatballs and sausage balls on pizza. Those are the only meats he’ll eat that don’t get smashed into mashed pototoes. Just recently, he’s eaten ham on it’s own. 

Would you like balls with that?
Yeah, get balls. 

J is for…

If you’re a parent you need a serious sense of humor. If you can’t laugh when your toddler decides too pee off the front porch because he’s too lazy to walk up a flight of steps to the bathroom, you won’t survive parenthood. If you can’t entertain the thought when one of your kids tells you that when he turns 5 he’s going to turn into a puppy so he can poop in the yard (different kid than the one who peed off the front porch) parenthood is going to be long and brutal. 

 is jokes. I bring you ten five jokes to tickle your funny bone.

1.“Every night before I get my one hour of sleep, I have the same thought: ‘Well, that’s a wrap on another day of acting like I know what I’m doing.’ I wish I were exaggerating, but I’m not. Most of the time, I feel entirely unqualified to be a parent. I call these times being awake.” ~Jim Gaffigan

2. For weeks a six-year-old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day, the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, “Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?”

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, “I think Mommy ate it!”

3. 

4. A child asked his father, “How were people born?” So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.” The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.” The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!” His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”

5. Little Susie, a six-year-old, complained, “Mother, I’ve got a stomach ache.” “That’s because your stomach is empty,” the mother replied. “You would feel better if you had something in it.” That afternoon, her father came complaining that he had a severe headache all day. Susie perked up, “That’s because it’s empty,” she said. “You’d feel better if you had something in it.”