Questions I Asked My Wife

I haven’t done a survey for a few weeks now. Since this evening was too busy to ask the kids questions, I’ll ask DW some questions. I’ll answer them, too. We’re all caught up on our shows now. We watch The Voice, The Good Doctor, Caught, This Is Us, Grey’s Anatomy, and the newest show, Station 19. Feel free write your own post and ask your own significant other these questions. I’d love to hear the answers!

1. Who’s your TV crush?

DW: Jackson Avery, Allan Hawco,
Me: Jo (Grey’s Anatomy), Beth (This Is Us)

 

 

GREY’S ANATOMY – ABC’s “Grey’s Anatomy” stars Camilla Luddington as Jo Wilson. (ABC/Adam Taylor)

2. If you weren’t a teacher, what would you be?

DW: “An ordinary old housewife like You is what I told my mother when I as a kid.
Me: Adventure tour guide or a ninja warrior gym trainer

3. What’s one thing you want to change about yourself?

DW: To be more patient
Me: To be permanently bald and not need to shave

4. What’s one thing you’d change about me?

DW: Only one thing?
Me: I’d straighten your toes

5. If you could get away with one crime, would you do it? What crime would you commit?

DW: Probably not. I could use the extra cash, but I’d feel too guilty.
Me: Yes. I’d rob a bank.

6. What song would you sing for your “The Voice” blind audition?

DW: As I Lay Me Down by Sophie B. Hawkins or The First Cut Is the Deepest by Sheryl Crow
Me: Macklemore’s Glorious 

7. What would be your idea of an ideal date with me?

DW: Dinner, drink, and dancing at a Three Finger Shot show or a moonlight trip to Assateague Island
Me: A trip to the beach (Assateague) in summer for dinner then stargazing and camping

8. Who is your celebrity doppelganger?

DW: Katie Holmes
Me: Dwayne Johnson except with blue eyes

 

 

9. Is there a memory of me that makes you laugh?

DW: There are lots! That time you nearly took a header into the wall. I nearly pissed myself
Me: That time I made you spill water on yourself in the truck and you called me an arsehole which caused Bang to say “Yeah, don’t be an arsehole.” which caused the 9 year old to say “Great. Now you’ve got him saying arsehole.”

10. What’s your Patronus?

DW: Eagle
Me: Wolf (or perhaps a monkey)

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How to Survive Marriage

DW and I are coming up on 13 years of marriage in July. I know that’s not long in the whole scope of things. However, when the 15 years we’ve known each other is held up to other relationships we’ve been in, the others pale in comparison. Each of us were in 4 year relationships before. The one we’re in now is over three times as long!

Being a member of male species meant I had a lot to learn. While I didn’t necessarily learn it quickly or even on the first try for that matter, I did learn some valuable lessons on how to keep a marriage strong, healthy, and fun.

In the beginning, I wasn’t too good at many of these. Marriage has a learning curve, after all. Eventually, we learned how to be married and it has made all difference.

A simple “thanks” goes a long way…

Was supper cooked and it was edible? Perhaps it was even delicious. Thank them for for their time and effort to keep you alive. It lets them know you appreciate it and perhaps they’ll do it again tomorrow. They washed your dirty clothes? Perhaps they even put them away for you. Thank them for it so you won’t have to go naked, or worse, wear stinky filthy clothes in public.

Kiss your spouse before you leave for work…

It’s a proven scientific fact that spouse who kiss each other goodbye live longer.

A study conducted during the 1980’s found that men who kiss their wives before leaving for work live longer, get into fewer car accidents, and have a higher income than married men who don’t.

~Joshua Foer NY Times

While getting married certainly isn’t a get rich quick scheme and having kids a certainly a get poor quick scheme, it will help you live longer. I suppose it gives us a reason to come home. If home is where the kisses (and suppers) are, I’m coming home every day. Perhaps it has something to do with wives not killing husbands for being ignored in the morning.

Scare the living shit out of each other…

Jump scares are hilarious. However, be cautious because this has a negative effect on the kisses that lengthen your life. At least once in the marriage scare your spouse while they’re in the shower. Or while they’re drying their hair. From my experience, only attempt this once. Kisses and life are important; a second attempt could put you in the intensive care ward. Also, be prepared for immediate retaliation. While my mom was drying her hair my dad sneaked up behind her with a wooden spoon and a pot.

I’ve never seen anyone in an electric chair, but I now know what it looks like.

~My Dad

Keep the competition alive…

Board games. Video games. Games with friends. Made up games. Fitness challenges. It keeps the competition alive and when the two of you are trying to best each other you are also besting yourself. By competing against each other you make yourself better, too. Be that at Scrabble, Cards Against Humanity, Fitbit, The Punch Buggy game or whatever challenge floats your boat. And if you lose, suck it up. It’s just a game. Shake hands, kiss and try again next time.

Know how to argue…

 There’s no need for screaming matches. The kids provide enough of that for everyone. Besides, once you’ve started screaming, the arguing has ended. And just because you’re right doesn’t mean you get to rub in. Unless it was just a playful argument for the sake of arguing. Then you get say “I told you so”. Also, using past offenses is illegal unless it directly applies to the current argument. Someone once said that DW and I likely never argue, that we’re THAT couple. While we may not argue any more, we do have some lively discussions. Like that one about what that student’s last name was. Turns out she was right. Again.

 Find the time, the humor, and the love…

A couple who can laugh with each other and at each each will be a happy couple. You’ve got to find the humor, even if it’s just in the little things like the way I dance like a dizzy June bug and sing like a drunk donkey. Find the time for each other, too. Find yourself without the kids for an hour? Go to lunch or for coffee or a climbing wall. Make it date, even it’s just to school for a parent/teacher conference. Find the time to be married. Find the time where you don’t have be Mom and Dad, but husband and wife. Give head scratches or back scratches or ear rubs or whatever it is to help your bed buddy fall asleep. Give kisses on the forehead, too. Kiss them good bye. Kiss them hello. Kiss them good night. Kiss them good morning. And grab their butt and call them beautiful.

The 6 Christmas Gifts We All Crave and My Wife Is Getting

The Twelve Days of Christmas are upon us… or, at least, there just 12 sleeps left until the big morning. I won’t be getting DW a partridge in a pear tree. Nor will she get 12 lords-a-leaping. She has me and I do enough leaping for one family. Nor will she get fiiiiiiiiive gooooolden riiiiings (you just sang it, didn’t you?) I’m not made of that kind of money or bitcoin. We could use 10 maids-a-milking, though. We go through a lot of milk and at $6.50 a gallon (3.785 liters) it gets expensive. I searched Amazon, but the best I could find to a milking maid was this thing for $165.99. There’s no cow or milking happening here. If I got this 17″ monstrosity for her, I know exactly where she’d shove it… Right up my pasture.

This year I’m going with practical gifts. Gifts that can be used over and over. The gifts that keep on giving.

1. Like this beautiful screen viewer for when you need it a bit darker to see that screen. When kids see this on Mom they’ll know not to bother her, she’s busy crushing her candy. I bet it’s good for making it dark enough to take a nap, too. Thirdly, you can’t see all the weird looks this thing will attract. It’s going to be all the rage next year! I don’t recommend wearing while driving.

2. Who doesn’t like music? Who doesn’t like warm feet? This gift has them both covered. I figure four pair walking around the house with four different songs playing would be spectacular! We’ll get our 10,000 steps a day easy! I really dig the bonus head strap so you wear them like headphones. That’ll smell pleasant in the summertime.

3. This next doozy has all kinds of useful uses. It can do anything from kill small game should you become lost in the hunger games to feeding your children and even correcting their heathen-like behaviour. I’m guessing it works on husbands just as well, so I’ll be sure to stay out of range…

4. *No explanation needed…

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5. Have you ever cut up fruit and veggies and thought… hmmm, I wonder how fresh this is? All the stuff that gets lost in the fridge and has been in there since God was a baby. This really cool, super high tech knife will tell you just how fresh or how rotten your food is. It’ll be up to you whether you eat it or not.

6. Last but not least is my favorite gift on this list, I love snuggling in the winter time by a lit Christmas tree with a glass #4 in one hand and DW’s hand in my other. I can’t wait to see her expression when she opens this one! It’s like a mommy/daddy time out shirt. Wherever we go, we go together. Whatever we do, we do together. And a fart could kill us both.

Are there any exotic and fun gifts you plan to get your significant other? Let me know below. Also, don’t forget to come find and follow me on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook!

The Backup Plan

Backstory:

DW started a keto diet about a month ago. It’s great for her and she’s doing a killer job of sticking to it. Because it’s a high fat, moderate protein diet I often find myself cooking two dishes. One for her and one for the boys and I. This often leaves her more leftovers than the boys and I. That brings us to where I was this evening.

Here’s what the original plan was…

Because of my lack of wanting to cook this evening and DW having some of her leftover Tex-Mex chicken that I cooked last night, all I had to do was find something for myself and the boys to eat. We almost had PB&J. That’s how much I didn’t feel like cooking. We had some popcorn chicken in the freezer and we wanted some fries with that but I had to make a quick trip to the grocery store to get some. You know what the grocery has besides french fries?

That’s peppermint ice cream with chunks of fudge. That stuff is amazing. I knew damn well I couldn’t bring this home and still be called a loving husband by the DW on the diet. So I jumped into action and started baking. I love baking, but because of diets and not needing more junk food in the house, I haven’t baked much recently. DW’s sister-in-law (does that make her my sister-in-law, too?) sent a recipie back at Thanksgiving for a keto friendly cheesecake and DW loved it.

It satisfied her chocolate craving. Anyone with a partner suffering a chocolate craving and has no access to chocolate knows how ugly it can get. If you’re not sure, just imagine a zombie apocalypse- ready to eat the head off anybody.

It ended up being a team effort. I made the cheesecake, she made the whipped chocolate topping. Overall, she said it was slightly different than her SIL’s, but that it was good. It was slightly different because I used a different brand of sweetener. I won’t bore you with the details. I’ll just leave a link to the recipe below. As a tease, you’ll have to see my Instagram to see the picture of our final, delicious product..

Brownie Cheesecake

Instagram, Facebook, Twitter – If you need a backup plan, follow me. I don’t know where we’re going but we’re going to have fun getting there.

I Have My Glasses On

I had it a minute ago. I don’t know where it is now.

You may have noticed (but probably didn’t, but a million points to you if you did) that I changed my gravatar. That’s my photo that shows up everywhere I leave a comment. I changed it because I got my new glasses today. They’re orange.

That doesn’t mean I’ll be able to find stuff without asking DW. I swear, when I look for stuff it’s not where I look. As soon as she looks in the exact same location I did *POOF* whatever I was looking for is there in the exact spot was I looking.

It wasn’t there when I looked!

I’m convinced that she moves it so she can claim it was there the whole time. Or she’s a Jedi and enjoys playing those mind tricks on me. I’m more susceptible than a storm trooper to Jedi mind tricks. I can’t blame her, though. It would be fun to play mind tricks on me so I’m going with that option.

She’s a Jedi.

So now I have these new glasses and I still won’t be able to find stuff. It’s a genetic trait, unfortunately. My dad had it. I have it. Now, both Crash and Bang have it. I think they have it worse than I do. Must be the “mom curse” (thanks mom). Now I’m frustrated that I have to go show them whatever it was they were looking for is exactly where I’m telling them look for it. When they look, it’s not there. Hell, I’ve pointed directly at the item in question and the best they can do is spin in circles with their eyes closed.

“I don’t see it anywhere!”

I’ve had glasses for about 6 years. I discovered I needed them when I went for my physical for immigration to Canada. The doctor told me to read the chart with my left eye and I had no problem. Then he told me to read it with my right and the chart disappeared. I couldn’t find it even though I saw it a minute ago. Fast forward a couple years and I sort of kind of lost my first pair of glasses. It wasn’t my fault, though. DW and I were out kayaking with my aunt. It was a calm, quiet little river with lots of turtles and birds and a beaver someone mistakenly thought was a bear. There were also bugs. When one had the nerve to land on my ear I swatted it off.

I also swatted off my glasses. They disappeared faster than the Orioles hopes at a division championship. Somewhere on the Tuckahoe River there is a beaver with improved eyesight.

Sometime ago I flat out stopped wearing my glasses because the nose pads were pinchy. It felt like I was wearing a clothespin. This pair has plastic frames and are nice and comfy. They’re also orange. Like my hopeless Orioles. In the words of my brother-in-law, DW says I’m “peacocking”. Strutting my stuff and showing off my plumage. I’m sure I have feathers here somewhere, I just can’t find them at the moment.

“These aren’t the feathers you’re looking for.”

DW got new glasses, too. When I first met her (around the time the Cubs first won the World Series) she had these awesome burgundy, plastic frame glasses. I loved them and they made me fall in love with her too. I might have been the the Jedi mind trick, but I’m pretty sure it was her glasses. Anyway, she got a new pair, too. They’re purple. And they’re bi-focals progressives. I think this officially makes her older than me.

What 12 Years Gets You

It has taken many years to get where we are today. The learning curve was steep. We were newlyweds learning how to be married. How to be husband and wife. And now 12 years later, here we are. Wiser. Slightly more crazy. More in love today than we were 12 years ago.

Wiser

We learned to work as a team. Mostly, I learned to listen and follow instruction. To test how well a couple teams up give them a brand new BBQ in 50 pieces and poorly written instructions. The good ones will have it together in an hour laughing along the way. The ones who are still learning? Both will argue that their way is right. Both will give instructions. Neither will listen. The marriage will dissolve and someone will be threatened to be beaten to death with the unbuilt BBQ. It’s the same with furniture assembly and vacation planning.

Twelve years has taught us (me) that listening, not just hearing, is as important as doing. Of course, being weak to her Mind Tricks helps.

Crazier

Twelve years is a long time to be with the same person. You learn to find your own version of normal. It’s buying your own anniversary present because your wife is sick with the flu and can’t get out. It’s playing with said present (Bop It) and dancing like a drunk June bug to make her laugh. It’s knowing who is going to jump on the trampoline with the kids and who is going to plan the birthday party.

Kids have a tendency to make you a bit crazier than usual, too. Whether they entice you onto the kitchen dance floor, adorn you with macaroni jewels, or just plain refuse to go to sleep, you will find your own crazy and you will embrace it. Wear it proudly as if it were a crown.

Love

We have learned what sacrifices the other has made to help the family. Whether it was a move or using birthday money to pay a bill or going without sleep because of a sick kid, hungry infant, or worry. We learn to see what we do for each other. Whether it’s simple things like cooking, cleaning, or entertaining the kids. Or it’s big like planning a big party, support through a tough time, or a surprise outing. Also, having kids gives us a common enemy goal.

Though all we have learned over the past 12 years (14 if you count when we first met), I have learned the most. Some how I have hunch I’m not yet done learning.

Now come find and follow me on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram…

Happy Birthday DW!

6:15am this morning…
Bang (5 years old): Moooooom (hollered from bed)
Mom: Yeah, buddy?
Bang: Is it your birthday?
Mom: Yeah.
Bang: Well, then, lets go!
Mom: Go where?
Bang: Make your cake and Walmart!

I’ve known her for 14 years. That’s 5,110 days.That’s 5,110 days of laughing so hard we fart and laughing even harder. That’s 5,110 days of learning to work as a team, which mostly means that if we do it her way we’ll get it right the first time. That’s 5,110 days creating memories we’ll laugh at until we’re the age we can’t remember why we’re laughing.

That’s almost a whole mile worth of days. And not a day goes by that I’m not thankful for her. She’s kept me out of more trouble than one person should be responsible for. My mom is relieved to not be the one responsible for me anymore. DW exercises daily. She does more eye rolls by 8 am than a 9 year old “pre-teen” will do all day. 

She is beautiful, which is why I married her.

She is brilliant, which is why I married her.

She is hilarious, which is why I married her. 

She has big…. uh… calves. They’re are crazy strong, which is why I married her. She was once told in a gas station by a big, black man who was built like a freight train, “Damn, girl. You got some fine legs. I wouldn’t trade those legs for Cindy Crawford’s legs!”

She’s the mother of my children and the woman in my dreams. As a true Jedi, she’s strong with the force. Thankfully, she reminds me more of slave Leia than Yoda. 

Today is her birthday. Today’s the day she turns the big four-oh. 

That’s 40. That’s 14,600 days. Here’s to another 365 day journey around the sun!

,

21 Questions I Asked My Wife

I highly encourage you ask your spouse these questions. The laughs you get will make it well worth it. I’m not even sure where I found these, but here they are for your enjoyment (and mine). 

Q: Would you rather I be completely hairless or as hairy as a gorilla?
A: Completely hairless

Q: What actress would play you in a movie about your life?
A: Katie Holmes (or Emilia Clarke or Megan Fox if Katie isn’t available)

Q: Who would play your love interest (aka, me) in a movie about your life?
A:  Kelly Slater or Howie Mandel or Billy Zane (from The Titanic) (she also named Mr. Magoo)

Q: Would you rather our children grow up to be 8 feet tall or 3 feet tall?
A: 8 feet tall

Q: If you had to go a week without your phone, what would you miss the most about it?
A: Wunderlist (our grocery/to do list)

Q: What do you like most that I do in bed?
A: Scratch my head

Q: What was your first impression of me? Did you ever dislike me?
A: My first thought was “Wow, he’s really short.” and “Why’s he’s wearing a trench coat?”

Q: What’s your favorite memory of our wedding day?
A: Seeing how excited you were when the bagpiper piped us into our reception

Q: If you woke up tomorrow as a man, what would be the first three things you’d do?
A: Stratch my junk, play with my junk, and pee standing up

Q: Would you rather use whipped cream or hot fudge?
A: Depends on what we’re using it for… 

Q: What do you think is your best physical feature?
A: My smile

Q: What do you think is my best physical feature?
A: Your bum

Q: If you could be on any reality TV show, which one would it be?
A: Gold Rush so I could drive a bulldozer or a big digger

Q: Have you ever obsessed over anything? (toys, movies, projects, people, problems)
A: New Kids on the Block

Q: What were your nicknames growing up, including the ones you didn’t want to stick?
A: Smurfette, Shit-heels, Pissy-Liz, Bimp, Boo, Snugglebum

Q: If I let you dress me, what would I wear on our next date?
A: Dark jeans, brown shoes, and a nice button up shirt (she knows I hate brown shoes)

Q: Would you ever role play in bed?
A: Yes.

Q: Yoga pants or skirts?
A: Yoga pants

Q: What song would you sing for your audition on The Voice?
A: As I Lay Me Down by Sophie B. Hawkins or The First Cut Is the Deepest by Sheryl Crow

Q: Is there a food that reminds you of me?
A: Hearty Chicken Bake

Q: Is there a memory you have or me that always makes you laugh?
A: Holey underwear

Behind this Great Guy

 

Hi DW. Happy Birthday!

Once upon a time I called myself Superdad. But I wouldn’t be so super, I might be mediocre at best, if it weren’t for someone else. I have my moments of greatness. Not often, mind you. When they happen, there’s a reason. I wouldn’t be Superdad without her.

While today might not officially be a holiday- local, national, international, or intergalactic, we’ll be celebrating as if it were. Stew. Singing. Cake on fire. Presents.I’ve written about her before so you have a few hints at how incredible she is.
But do you know how amazing she really is?

If she were a B52, she’d be the BOMB.
If she were a racecar, she’d be a Ferrari.
If she were a dude, the Queen would tap her shoulder with a sword and we’d call her “Sir”.

161 moons ago (that’s many moons ago) I met her at an airport. Not by chance, mind you, I flew her to that airport so I could see her in person. She lived in Nova Scotia, I had just moved to Virginia. 13 years, one big move, and two kids later, I’m still the lucky one.

She’s thoughtful, caring, kind, generous, smart, beautiful, and a plethora of other wondrous adjectives. She’s an amazing mother, wife, daughter, niece, and aunt.

Thanks, hon, for making this guy feel like a king, smarter than I really am, and for laughing at with me. We’ve been on one hell of a rollercoaster ride, but it’s only made us stronger. Love you milluns and billuns, babe!

Marriage Hurts

I was out shoveling for the first time this winter season. Afterwards, my first thought was that if we had a winter home in Australia it would be summer time. My second thought was that marriage hurts.

Big leap there, I know.

How did I learn that marriage hurts while shoveling snow?

The calloused blister on my hand taught me. That blister was caused by my wedding band while I was shoveling the driveway at 6:30 am so DW could drive to work.

That’s how I know.

It’s the kicks in the night from the restless spouse. It’s the cold feet put on your warm body because your partner wants you to warm them up. It’s the snuggling in such a way that your arm or leg falls asleep and gets that pins and needles feeling.

It’s the working around the house attempting to get the “honey do” list done. “Honey, do move this over there. Honey, do fix this and this and this. Honey, do figure out what’s going on with this and that.”

There will be injuries with each of those honey dos. At least, there will be they way I do handyman. Banged a finger with the hammer. Cut myself on/with something – chances are I won’t remember how. Burned myself. Fell down the stairs getting the tools. Fell up the stairs carrying an armful of whatever needed to be moved because I’m too stubborn to make more than one trip.

Then there are the “smacks”. Okay, perhaps I shouldn’t have scared DW while she was in the shower. I deserved that punch, but it was totally worth it.

I probably shouldn’t have hit the brakes in the truck while she getting a
drink, either. I deserved that smack, too. Again, it was funny as hell. I know it was asshole thing to do and she told me so. The three year old then says, “Yeah dad, don’t be an asshole.” To which the seven year old replied, “Great! Now you got him saying asshole.” We were laughing far too hard to discipline anyone.

Then there are the arguments – or heated discussions if you’re in our house. They hurt, too. But not the kind of hurt you can typically see. It’s no fun arguing with the one you love. But when you share absolutely everything – a dinner table, a bed, a toilet, responsibilities, kids – there’s bound to be an argument or two. Just because two people argue doesn’t mean they don’t love each other. But still, it hurts.

But, you know what?

We wouldn’t have it any other way. This little thing called love binds us together. Sure we drive each other batshit crazy. Isn’t that the fun part? And I’m pretty sure it was in our vows to love each other in sickness and health, for richer or poorer, for sanity and insanity…

So, with a calloused blistered hand, I will continue to shovel the snow in the driveway because I don’t need to say I love you in order to show that I love you.