Parenting with Clickers On My Socks…

At it’s roots, this is a parenting blog. More often than not I write about the joys and frustrations caused by the two creatures my wife gave birth to. I love those heathens, even when I’d rather they take a long walk off a short pier. In the words of Homer:

I want it all: the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles…

I chose to make this blog mostly about parenting mostly because it’s what I know, mostly. I am certainly no expert on the topic. I’m not even an expert on parenting my own kids let alone yours and everyone elses. Kids provide an endless supply of stories, laughs, tricks, techniques, and thank-God-they’re-finally-in-bed. So I have plenty of material to share with you. Whether it’s about stupid, straight brimmed hats, places we visited, or answers to many, many questions, you’re bound to find something useful. Since I handle most of life with humor, I make sure to add as much of that spice as I can.

I have almost no idea what I’m doing.

I know I’m not the only daddy blogger and that’s okay. I’m glad I’m not alone. It means I get to look at what other dads are doing like a cheat sheet in Home ec class. I’ll show you my answers if you show me yours. Come to think of it, it’s okay to work in groups. It’s encouraged, really. We all want what is best for our kids, so why not cheat a little and look at what others are doing?

My kid is being an arsehole. Is it just a phase and how do I make it stop?

My kid won’t stop dabbing. Should I put him in a straight jacket?

How much wine will I need after today?

There are as many ways to parent as there are kinds of parents. Helicopter. Snow plow. Crunchy. Free range. The whole continuem between drill sargent strict and hands-off lienient. Breast fed, bottle fed, spoon fed. You know which one is best? Which on should we all be?

We all should be the best we can be. We should be the kind of parent that raises compassionate, educated, healthy human beings. Whether you live in a shack in the woods with no electricity or the penthouse suite on the 25th floor, just be the best parent you can be. Know your child and make decisions and saccrifices in their best interest. You’re not their friend. You’re their mum, their dad, their legal guardian.

Parenting is not a democracy, it’s a dictatorship. Set rules, set boundaries. Lord knows there are plenty of both out in the big, wide world. Follow through with consequences. Lord knows the big, wide world will do that, too.

But don’t forget to laugh and laugh loudly. Act silly and dance in the kitchen or the living room or the bedroom. Or dance in the bath tub until the smoke detectors start blaring (Yes, in our house, that is possible. It’s been done). Sing loud and sing proud.

So don’t come reading this blog looking for parenting advice. It only looks like I know what I’m doing because you never see all the edits, corrections, the behind the scenes action. I call myself a guru in the parenting world on the basis that others seem to think we’re doing a great job. We’re gurus. I’m also clueless. I mostly have no idea what I’m doing, why I’m doing it, or if it’ll make things better or worse. In the words of my wife’s Uncle Bud,

If clues were shoes he’d wear clickers on his socks.

P.S. While I’m out looking for clues you can find me on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.

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Questions I Asked My Kids: Ep 45

450 questions! I never dreamed it would go this far. I’m pulling questions out of my ears (to keep it polite). If you can think of any fun ones feel free to ask them in the comment section below and they’ll appear in future episodes along with the boys’ answers. Also, if you have your own kids between the ages of 0 and 100, feel free to ask them these questions. Their responses are sure to delight. And if you post them, be sure to let me know!

*Disclaimer: Please make sure your mouth is free of food and drink before reading. I am not responsible for you spraying your keyboard.

1. What might aliens from outer space look like?

Crash: They might have antennas, purple bumpy skin, one eye, and extremely dirty finger and toenails which are very sharp. And it has spikes for eyelids
Bang: 6 eyes, 5 arms, and 2, heads. They’re brown, black, white, and green and 16,000 inches tall
DW: Aren’t they green with funny shaped heads and big eyes?

2. If you could build anything in the backyard, what would you build?

Crash: A big big big water slide going down with a ramp at the end to jump into a big pool
Bang: One more house so we could have 2 furnitures
DW: A pool

3. If you had to leave the house in an emergency, what 3 things would you take?

Crash: Monkey, my baby stuff, and my Guppie Book
Bang: The Wii, the refrigerator, and Penguin
DW: I’d “think” about taking the kids. Piper (the parrot), External hard drive, and my pendent with dad’s thumbprint and ashes

4. What’s the best thing about growing up?

Crash: You don’t have to listen to your parents anymore! JUST KIDDING! You get to have kids.
Bang: That I can yell at people. Because that’s what you and mom do!
DW: Margaritas and bed

5. What word makes you laugh?

Crash: Banana
Bang: White
DW: LOL I don’t know!

6. We just bought a droid. What should we name it?

Crash: Mechanoid
Bang: Battledoor
DW: Bitch  Jeeves, the Butler

7. What would you do if you were Dad?

Crash: Stay up late all night and play Minecraft
Bang: I would clean
DW: I can’t answer that. It’s not social media appropriate.

8. What would you do if you were mom?

Crash: Sit in front of the computer all day doing Relay for Life stuff and work stuff.
Bang: Snuggle my kids
DW: I am Mom.

9. If you could change anything about school, what would you change?

Crash: I would change a rule. I would allow all the fidget toys in school.
Bang: No math and no reading. Oh, and no writing. And nothing but play time.
DW: You would have a job there.

10. Did you have any dreams?

Crash: Me, you, and Bang (Mom was out) were sitting in the living room watching TV. Bang asks if we can go to the attic (we don’t have an attic) to see what is up there. We had to push open a trapdoor to make a hole then we put a ladder there. There was a ton of stuff up there. There was a candle on a dresser and next to it was a golden watch that mom was looking for, apparently. Turns out it was Guppie’s old watch. Then Bang runs over to see because we all knew mom was looking for it. Bang bumps the candle and the floor catches on fire and it spreads. Fortunately, we get everything valuable out of the attic and put them in a grocery bag. The items would shrink when we put them in so we could put LOADS of stuff in it. Then we exited the house and Dad pulls out his cell phone and calls 911 and says, “Uh, there’s a fire at out house. Could you come put it out?” Then when they get here the firemen were aliens and they didn’t use water to put out the fire. They peed on the fire. Then mom pulls home and she walks in like nothing happened. Then I woke up and was like “Whoa”.
Bang: Nope, no dreams.
DW: I think I did but I can’t remember them.

Questioning where else you can find me? I’m on Facebook and Twitter!

The Funny Thing About Rain

My Ark is complete. The animals were loaded two by two. Here we are in the backyard…

As you can see we’re flooded. Okay, so technically it’s not that bad. But remember when I showed you our forecast and it said rain until Wednesday? Now it’s going to rain until Saturday. That’s 8 days of rain. It hasn’t been on and off either. It’s been steady, beat the windows, drown a fish kind of rain. I think I’ve got swamp foot.

I’m going to worship the sun when it comes back.

The rain has now overstayed its welcome so I will now poke fun at it. Perhaps if it sees it’s unwelcome it’ll pack up and move out.

Good bye!
Adios!
Au revoir!
Totsiens!
Tot ziens!
Auf wiedersehen!
안녕

Jokes on you, rain! (Thanks jokes4us.com)

Q: What is a king’s favorite kind of precipitation?
A: Hail! 

Q: When does it rain money?
A: When there is “change” in the weather. 

Q: What’s the difference between a horse and the weather?
A: One is reined up and the other rains down. 

Q: Why does Snoop dog need an umbrella?
A: Fo’ Drizzle. 

Q: What do you call it when it rains chickens and ducks?
A: Foul (fowl) weather. 

Q: What did one raindrop say to the other?
A: Two’s company, three’s a cloud 

Q: Why did the man use ketchup in the rain?
A: Because it was raining cats and hot dogs. 

Q: Where did the meteorologist stop for a drink on the way home from a long day in the studio?
A: The nearest ISOBAR 

Q: What’s worse than raining buckets?
A: Hailing taxis! 

Q: How can you wrap a cloud?
A: with a rainbow. 

Q: What goes up when the rain comes down?
A: An Umbrella. 

Q: What do you call two straight days of rain in Seattle?
A: A weekend. 

Q: What is the Mexican weather report?
A: Chili today and hot tamale. 

Q: When is Monday coming?
A: MonSoon! 

Q: What do you call a wet bear?
A: A drizzly bear 

Q: What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle?
A: An extra hour of rain. 

Q: Where do lightning bolts go on dates?
A: To cloud 9 

Q: What did the hail storm say to the roof?
A: Hang onto your shingles, this will be no ordinary sprinkles. 

Q: What did the evaporating raindrop say?
A: I’m going to pieces. 

Q: What did one raindrop say to the other raindrop?
A: My plop is bigger than your plop. 

Q: How can Santa deliver presents during a thunderstorm?
A: His sleigh is flown by raindeer. 

Q: What is a queens favorite kind of precipitation?
A: Reign! 

Q: Can Bees fly in the rain?
A: Not without their yellow jackets 

Q: How do lightning bolts flirt?
A: They electrocute each other 

Q: How do thunderstorms invest their money?
A: In a combination of liquid assets and frozen assets 

Q: What do you call a months worth of rain?
A: England 

Q: What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A: A rain of terror. 

Q: Why was the blonde standing outside the department store in the rain?
A: She was waiting to cash her rain check! 

Q: What often falls but never gets hurt?
A: Rain 

Q: Why is sex like a thunderstorm?
A: “You never know how many inches you’ll get and how long it’ll last.” 


rain

Don’t forget to float on over and follow me on Facebook and Twitter!

J is for…

If you’re a parent you need a serious sense of humor. If you can’t laugh when your toddler decides too pee off the front porch because he’s too lazy to walk up a flight of steps to the bathroom, you won’t survive parenthood. If you can’t entertain the thought when one of your kids tells you that when he turns 5 he’s going to turn into a puppy so he can poop in the yard (different kid than the one who peed off the front porch) parenthood is going to be long and brutal. 

 is jokes. I bring you ten five jokes to tickle your funny bone.

1.“Every night before I get my one hour of sleep, I have the same thought: ‘Well, that’s a wrap on another day of acting like I know what I’m doing.’ I wish I were exaggerating, but I’m not. Most of the time, I feel entirely unqualified to be a parent. I call these times being awake.” ~Jim Gaffigan

2. For weeks a six-year-old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day, the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, “Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?”

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, “I think Mommy ate it!”

3. 

4. A child asked his father, “How were people born?” So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.” The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.” The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!” His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”

5. Little Susie, a six-year-old, complained, “Mother, I’ve got a stomach ache.” “That’s because your stomach is empty,” the mother replied. “You would feel better if you had something in it.” That afternoon, her father came complaining that he had a severe headache all day. Susie perked up, “That’s because it’s empty,” she said. “You’d feel better if you had something in it.”

10 Questions I Ask My Kids: Travel Edition

We are now at DW’s brother’s and sister-in-law’s house for a visit with them and their four kidlets. They’ve taken us and our crazies in for a couple nights. It’s always great visiting with them and getting caught up. The cousins love seeing and playing with each other, too. 

The Discovery Center was good, though it wasn’t great because of the number of people and the number of people who’s kids were inconsiderate and the parents were either nowhere to found or had their noses glued to their cell phone. So it didn’t leave much time for learning. However, I did learn about my patience in a public setting. Turns out it’s pretty good. On the plus side, though, the boys got to see a liquid nitrogen demonstration.

1. What has been your favorite part of the trip so far?

Crash: Discovery Center
Bang: Sleeping and dream about my favorite dreams

2. What was your favorite part of the Discovery Center?

Crash: The Sky Dome and the curcuits
Bang: Inside the Sky Dome

3. What is one thing you learned about at the Discovery Center?

Crash: About constellation and planets and stars
Bang: That the bottle was -200 degrees (Liquid Nitrogen)

4. What’s your favorite part of visiting Aunt Mag and Uncle Kevin’s house?

Crash: Playing sports on XBox Kinect
Bang: Getting a sleepover

5. What animal do you wish you could be?

Crash: A dog
Bang: A giraffe

6. Why do you want to be that animal?

Crash: Because you can train them to do stuff
Bang: Because I want a tongue that is 21 cm

7. If you were a Minecraft mob, which would you be?

Crash: Either the Wither or the Ender Dragon
Bang: Enderman

8. How old do you think you’ll be when you get married?

Crash: 22
Bang: 16

9. Where do you want to live when you grow up?

Crash: Here – where we live now
Bang: Aunt and Uncle’s house (Kev and Mag)

10. What color do you want to dye your hair?

Crash: Blue
Bang: Blue

10 Questions I Asked My Kids (ep 33)

It’s hard to believe I’ve asked my kids 330 questions. They all up for grabs, too, so feel free to ask your own kids whether they are 4 or 40.

1. What did you give up for lent?

Crash: Chocolate
Bang: Pop

2. What makes you happy?

Crash: Puppies
Bang:
Getting licked by a dog

3. What makes me happy?

Crash: Reading, teaching, good listeners
Bang: A clean basement

4. What makes mom happy?

Crash: Candy Crush, good listeners, whale watching
Bang: Snuggling

5. What is your favorite song?

Crash: I Gotta Feeling by The Blackeyed Peas
Bang: Ghost Town by Adam Lambert

6. If we got a dog, what would you want to name it?

Crash: Winn Dixie
Bang: Sparky

7. If you could meet anyone from TV who would you want to meet?

Crash: Hope and Alison (or Rebecca) from Hope for Wildlife (Hope for Wildlife is a charitable wildlife rehabilitation and education organization)
Bang: Ellen DeGeneres

8. If a genie granted you 3 wishes, what would you wish for?

Crash: More video games (Pokemon Sun and moon), More hockey cards to trade with my cousin, and Minecraft robots
Bang:
To go on stage to dance, being the best player in basketball, if Zoe and Felix were alive

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9. If you could be a sound, what sound would you be?

Crash: I’d be a “ruff” like a dog
Bang: Mooooo

10. What is love?

Crash: When two people like each other
Bang: Hugging people

c75fce062cdbd04e7ec35cf42d31b64e

Sunday Share, the First Week of 2017

We’re a week into the newest year so I’ll stop wishing everyone a happy new year. It’s getting old. I hope the first week of the new year has been kind to everyone. We just lots of snow, in case you hadn’t heard yet. 4 inches on Friday. 8 more inches last night. Now I’ve got my “lodge socks” on and and chillin’ out with dee-dubya (pronounced “DW”) and a few good reads.

What am I reading? Light Between Oceans and these blogs…

Sane Teachers
Teacher watching…

Truthful Parenthood
A few parenting laughs…

The Opinionated Dad
When the kid is quiet…

Harsh Reality
On Blogging….

Mom’s Ranting
More gems than one kid needs…

5

When we get good “snowman snow” I’m building a few inspired by Calvin.

 

Go Ask Your Father: 

What better time is there to get pummled with questions than at bedtime. There’s something about the darkness that provokes inquisitiveness. Their little bodies rest while their brains are still in overdrive.

What’s the flu?

Influenza is a respiratory illness caused the flu virus. No antibiotic will cure you. Antibiotics work on bacterial infections, not viral. It has a rap sheet of symptoms. Fever, cough, sore throat, runny/stuffy nose, muscle/body aches, headaches, fatigue, and perhaps vomiting and/or diarrhea. It totals up to a whole boat load of a bad week. It’s highly contagious. You can pass it on before you start showing symptoms, while you’re sick, and for 5-7 days after. Wash your hands often. Cover coughs and sneezes. Get lots of rest. CDC recommends getting a flu vaccine once a year. Oh. And stay away from me. Unless you’re DW or one of my sons. As much as I hate my boys being sick, I do enjoy how snuggly they become.

Why do some people have dark faces?

Ah, here we go. Ethnicities. Races. I wish we could put aside that word “race” in terms of where you are from. We’re all part of the human race. We need a one world race, unity, and cooperation. Anyway, the short answer is different people of different parts of the world have different skin colors. It’s just the way they’re made. He was okay with that answer. However, if skin color is only skin deep, what does it look like? It’s a pigment called melanin which is controlled by at least six genes. Melanin is also due to the presence of melanin. No matter how light or dark you are, you have melanin. There are two kinds-pheomelanin which is red to yellow and eumelanin which is brown to black. It is indeed skin deep as it’s located in the epidermis (the outer layer of skin). They have the ability to detect and react to ultraviolet radiation from the sun. Too much and you’ll end up with a sunburn. Over a bit of time in the sun the melanin will give you a darker face. We call this a tan. 

Why do big kids say bad words?

Bad words could range from “stupid” to “frigger” or “frickin'”. Or it could be worse. Big kids say bad words because it makes them feel older. It makes them feel like an adult. It makes them feel important. Our boys know they are not to say them anytime, anywhere. That goes for the really bad ones. The true swear words. Other words, the ones I call “at home” words, they understand it’s okay to say them at home but nowhere else. Frigger and frickin’ are two examples. When you slam the closet door on your finger or drop the staple gun on your toe you need a word to relieve the pain. Those two are acceptable. 

What’s an anus?

Awe frig. Really? 

Backstory: We were watching AFV America’s Funniest Videos. At a science museum a dad pointed out Uranus to his young son. His young son then questions, “My anus?” This is why I pronounce it Yer-uh-nus instead of yer-ANUS. Bang heard the word and immediately asked the same.

It’s your bum. More specifically, your bum hole where the poop comes out. That’s all I said. That’s all he needed to hear. Thank God.

Slang words for your sphincter: starfish, turd cutter, shitslit, poop chute, stinkeye, poop hoop, pirate eye

Questions I Asked My Kids (ep. 28)

It’s been a couple weeks since we didn’t do this last week. We’ve been busy kayaking with whales and whale watching and basketball practice and religion class. I hope fall is finally finding you this November. It has certainly arrived here. Especially the temperature! Brrr. So without further ado, here is your laugh for the weekend.

Here come 10 more questions that are sure to tickle your funny bones.

1. How fast does Dad drive?
Crash: Depends on where you are and what the speed limit sign says. 
Bang: 113 miles

2. How fast does Mom drive?
Crash: The same speed you do
Bang: 300 limits

3. Who is a better driver and why?
Crash: Dad, I have no clue why
Bang: Dad, because he drives 113 and mom drives 300

4. Why is it cold outside?
Crash: Uh… so we can play in the snow in winter
Bang: Because the trees are sneezing

5. What is something you did that was “bad”?
Crash: Tons of stuff… I messed up the basement, I made my brother cry… 
Bang: Made a mess

6. What is something you did that was “good”?
Crash: I played with my brother
Bang: I cleaned

7. What song do you like to dance to?
Crash: Timmy Trumpet- “Freaks”

Bang: Timmy Trumpet – “Freaks”

8. How long do you sleep at night?
Crash: God knows how long because I go to bed around 9 and get up at 6.
Bang: 30 hours

9. What is your favorite book to read or have read to you?
Crash: Diary of A Minecraft Zombie
Bang: I’m A Frog by Mo Willems

10. How many M&M’s do you think you can eat?
Crash: 10 bazallion 700 thousand 5 hundred 16
Bang: 3,000

You can now watch their answers!