The Funny Side of Parenting

Laughter is the best medicine. If you can’t laugh at yourself who can you laugh at? Sometimes you laugh at yourself. Sometimes your partner provides a giggle. However, most often it’s our offspring who give us the largest dose of hilarity. Perhaps it’s during the regular “bedatorial” when tell about their teacher being out for two weeks because she had to get her “goldfish” removed. (It was really her gall bladder). Perhaps it’s something hollered in a public area, like “his pee pee looks like yours!” (we were at a Body Worlds exhibit). Or perhaps they just did something foolish, like drained the waterbed in the bedroom. Either way, a good dose of laughter is dished out and stories about it will be told for years. Facebook and Twitter are full of such stories. Here are just a few that made my belly jiggle like a bowl full Jell-O.

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It’s Zero Word Wednesday!

Three Kids and A Classic Movie

“We watched that movie last weekend with the boys and one of their friends. I had to laugh when the movie opened with kissing and all three boys were like “Kissing? Already? UGH!” Then it cuts to 10 year old Fred Savage’s character saying the exact same thing.

Good times…

They still think kissing is gross.

They loved the movie, of course. What’s not to love. Andre the Giant. A six fingered man. Plenty of slapstick humor. The only part the six year old, Bang, was unsure of was the torturing of Wesley in the secret room under the tree. He had TONS of questions about that after the movie.

How did it make electricity?
Did it really hurt him?
How did all those gears turn?
Was it metal?
Why did he have to get electrocuted?

Some of them he asked multiple times just to make sure he understood it. I had to explain about generators and water wheels and electrical currents. I also explained acting that stuff in movies isn’t real. He was good after that. His favorite character was Andrew Andre the Giant. His favorite part was when Buttercup pushed Wesley down the giant hill then she rolled down after him.

We have also watched “Gremlins”, “The Neverending Story” and “The Goonies”. The Goonies was far more crude than I remember it. There weren’t any words in the movie they haven’t heard before. Naturally, the boys loved it. What’s not to love, though? Now they know why we don’t feed them after midnight. They also know why we sometimes call them Goonies and where their mother and I get the line “HEEEEY YOOOU GUUUUYS!”

What old classics have your kids watched? Was their reaction what you expected?

For more antics you can follow me on Twitter and Instagram.

Hold it, Hold it! Is this a kissing book?

K is for… #AtoZChallenge

Kwestions
Kwiz

Karma… the boys have already had the mom curse sworn upon them. One day they will have kids who behave just like them. Of course, this means I get grandkids who behave just like my kids are right now. Guess who’s not babysitting!

Kidding… I’ll teach them all kinds of fun Grampa stuff. Chocolate cake for breakfast. Flipping their parents the bird behind their back. Good practical jokes.

But this is Thursday and Thursdays are for questions. We haven’t answered any questions for a couple weeks. The boys were asking about them last night, too.

Today, K is for the knowledge we obtain by questioning our wee ones. Click here if you want to read their original answers. Some are strangely similar.

1. What might aliens from outer space look like?

Crash: Bald with big green eyes, anywhere from 2 to 7 feet tall
Bang: LORL they look like the Toy Story aliens
DW: I’m sure they look nothing like TV makes them out to be

2. If you could build anything in the backyard, what would you build?

Crash: Treehouse that has electricity so we can play video games and have lights because it’s a huge treehouse
Bang: A big box with speakers in it so you can play Temperature by Sean Paul
DW: A pool

3. If you had to leave the house in an emergency, what 3 things would you take?

Crash: Monkey, Alexa, and all my clothes
Bang: Penguin, obviously my bed, and food
DW: My pendant, the external hard drive, and nevermind the rest because I don’t like this question

4. What’s the best thing about growing up?

Crash: You get to live in your own house and you get unlimited screen time
Bang: You get paid for your job!
DW: Staying up late

5. What word makes you laugh?

Crash: supercalifragilisticexialidocious
Bang: *insert eye roll* Things make me laugh, not words
DW: You make me laugh

6. We just bought a droid. What should we name it?

Crash: RECT (it’s all of our initials)
Bang: Elticoe
DW: Jeeves

7. What would you do if you were Dad?

Crash: Play on my tablet all day and make mom do the chores
Bang: Eat all my kids candy
DW: I’d nap on the couch and play with myself

8. What would you do if you were mom?

Crash: Get an awesome job that would make us rich
Bang: Snuggle with my kids and have a belly fart (blow raspberries on bellies) contest to see who could make the loudest fart
DW: Same thing I do everyday! Can I be a rich mom, instead and go on vacation?

9. If you could change anything about school, what would you change?

Crash: I would make math class easier
Bang: No writing, no reading, no music and just gym gym gym and play play play
DW: I’d put the focus back where it belongs… on students and teaching

10. Did you have any dreams?

Crash: As a matter of fact, yeah I did. My teacher asked if we had a dream and my friend and I had the exact same dream. This guy who looked like a vampire with hair down to his chest and trees with creepy faces grabbed us. Piper, our parrot, was in it, too.
Bang: Yeah… it was about flying, pooping ponies that go flap flap flap thsthsths (sound effect)
DW: A couple nights ago I had a dream about an eagle…

 

J is for… #atozchallenge

Who doesn’t love a good dad joke? Or bad one? The term “dad joke” has become synonymous with any joke so bad, so lame, the best reaction you can hope for is an eye roll. Most them are just punny.

I was hoping my 10 jokes would make people laugh, but no pun in ten did.

You need a sense of humor if you’re going to be a parent. How else will you survive your kids? Between the things kids do and the things they say, we’ve got enough ammo to keep us laughing for years to come. So they got their head stuck in a concrete block when they were two. So they covered their little brother with the entire jar of peanut butter. So they loudly compare your anatomy to that of a model in the Body Worlds museum. I an guarantee Parenthood will be full of more laughter than your bladder can hold.

Me: Doctor, you’ve got to help me. I’m addicted to Twitter.
Doctor: I don’t follow you.

Q: When does a joke become a dad joke?
A: When the punch line becomes apparent.

The mother of three notoriously unruly youngsters was asked whether or not she’d have children if she had to do over again.
“Sure,” she replied, “but not the same ones.”

The dinner I was cooking for my family was going to be a surprise but the fire trucks ruined it.

Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.

I’ll clean my house when the last kid has moved out.

Q: What part of your family can you see through?
A: A transparent.

Have a good parenting pun/joke? I’d love to hear it! Happy hump day!

For more laughs you can follow me on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.

E is for…

Everything.

Everything from A to Z. Everything I’ve written about so far and everything I will write about over the next 25 days. It’s about everything I’ve done today and yesterday and the 15,215 days since I was born. It’s about everything I’ll do with the unknown number days I’ll be here, of this Earth.

Right now, though, life is about everything we’ll do for our kids. We house them. We feed them. We educate them. We play with them. We put them to bed. That’s just the routine stuff. It’s the stuff we have to do. It’s in the contract.

It’s about everything we do for our kids that we don’t have to do. We sign them up for sports and music and dance and clubs and lessons and everything. We end up driving all over tarnation to get them where they need to go. It’s daughters doing dad’s nails and makeup. It’s about moms playing dump trucks in the dirt with their sons. It’s about dance parties in the kitchen. It’s about splash parties in the bathtub. It’s about doing what we need to do help our children be happy.

When your six year old son and the neighbor’s nine year old daughter decide they want to get married, you entertain the thought. You giggle when they start planning in November and set a date for April 5th. You roar with laughter when you hear they’re going to get divorced so they can get married again. Then they start assigning roles; a priest, a chef, a flower girl, a waiter. They create a menu of the grooms favorite meal; fish, mashed potatoes, broccoli, and corn. They ask for a wedding cake and cards. In November, it’s all good. It’s all fun and games and you allow them their creativity. Then comes April 5th. They didn’t forget. In fact, they spent the better part of those sixth month preparing. Invites. Place setting. Seating arrangement. Outfits. Decorations. The meal. Dessert. The first dance song.

So you make it happen. Coincidentally, there happens to be no school on their random date choosing six months ago. You take them to find a few things and return with fish, broccoli, pink salmon and green table cloths, a fake flower bouquet for the bride to carry, balloons, makeshift rings, and a cake that says Happy Wedding Day April 5, 2018. You gather the few who were invited and you act out the wedding. Then you cook the fish and mashed potatoes and broccoli and have it served by the gracious big brother. You allow them first dance waltz to Ed Sheeran’s Perfect then cut the cake.

Then you have to burst a bubble when you have to explain to your son that no, his “wife” can’t come live with us. Still… they do look like a very happy couple. It makes everything we do for kids worth everything we can do for them.

Questions I Asked My Wife

I haven’t done a survey for a few weeks now. Since this evening was too busy to ask the kids questions, I’ll ask DW some questions. I’ll answer them, too. We’re all caught up on our shows now. We watch The Voice, The Good Doctor, Caught, This Is Us, Grey’s Anatomy, and the newest show, Station 19. Feel free write your own post and ask your own significant other these questions. I’d love to hear the answers!

1. Who’s your TV crush?

DW: Jackson Avery, Allan Hawco,
Me: Jo (Grey’s Anatomy), Beth (This Is Us)

 

 

GREY’S ANATOMY – ABC’s “Grey’s Anatomy” stars Camilla Luddington as Jo Wilson. (ABC/Adam Taylor)

2. If you weren’t a teacher, what would you be?

DW: “An ordinary old housewife like You is what I told my mother when I as a kid.
Me: Adventure tour guide or a ninja warrior gym trainer

3. What’s one thing you want to change about yourself?

DW: To be more patient
Me: To be permanently bald and not need to shave

4. What’s one thing you’d change about me?

DW: Only one thing?
Me: I’d straighten your toes

5. If you could get away with one crime, would you do it? What crime would you commit?

DW: Probably not. I could use the extra cash, but I’d feel too guilty.
Me: Yes. I’d rob a bank.

6. What song would you sing for your “The Voice” blind audition?

DW: As I Lay Me Down by Sophie B. Hawkins or The First Cut Is the Deepest by Sheryl Crow
Me: Macklemore’s Glorious 

7. What would be your idea of an ideal date with me?

DW: Dinner, drink, and dancing at a Three Finger Shot show or a moonlight trip to Assateague Island
Me: A trip to the beach (Assateague) in summer for dinner then stargazing and camping

8. Who is your celebrity doppelganger?

DW: Katie Holmes
Me: Dwayne Johnson except with blue eyes

 

 

9. Is there a memory of me that makes you laugh?

DW: There are lots! That time you nearly took a header into the wall. I nearly pissed myself
Me: That time I made you spill water on yourself in the truck and you called me an arsehole which caused Bang to say “Yeah, don’t be an arsehole.” which caused the 9 year old to say “Great. Now you’ve got him saying arsehole.”

10. What’s your Patronus?

DW: Eagle
Me: Wolf (or perhaps a monkey)

Because Parenting is Funny

It’s Tuesday.

It’s a good day for a laugh. I hope one of these tickles your funny bone.

Some Parenting Funnies from the Internets

Parenting is hilarious. Or at least it has the potential to be. God knows what might come out of our children’s mouth. God knows what kind of mischief they will get into next. It’s a roulette wheel of possibilities. It’s a crap shoot (HAHA) of potential opportunities.

So, because it’s late, because my kids are in bed (one is still hacking and coughing), I’m here to lighten the mood, lift a few spirits, and remind you that you’re not alone in the struggle.

Bang was watching the men’s luge. They were zipping down the ice at 130 kph. He said he wants to do that. This is the same child who was scared of waterslides last summer.

Tonight, while Facetiming my parents I had one kid licking the iPad and the other putting his feet on my head.

WTH?

Did your kid make you laugh today?

Questions I Asked My Kids: Ep 54

Thanks to Lucy over at Lucy at Home  for featuring little old me this week for last weeks Questions I Asked My Kids on her #BlogCrush post. For those visiting from there, welcome to my fun place. These questions are a weekly occurrence. To my faithful readers, welcome back. You know there is often hilarity here. We put the fun in dysfunctional and the chocolate in the freezer.

Feel free to let me know which answer made you laugh the most.

1. Why do we sneeze?

Crash: Cause it’s like a fart but it comes out our nose
Bang: Cause our lungs get mixed up with snot and air and the air takes the boogers out of your nose

2. What’s one food you would like to eat every day?

Crash: Cream frosted cupcakes
Bang: Apples because they’re so sweet and juicy (I get us Sweet Tangos)

3. What would you like to build out of snow this winter?

Crash: A big igloo like we do every year
Bang: Igloo

4. What’s the best thing about Christmas?

Crash: Spending time with family and friends, playing with The Polar Express train, and opening presents
Bang: Hanging out with the Elves and you get presents!

5. If you could have a body part of any animal, what part of what animal would you want?

Crash: Cat tail, cause then I couldn’t fall on my head
Bang: Goose legs because they have lots of leg bones

6. What’s your favorite Christmas decoration?

Crash: The Christmas tree and the Elves
Bang: The Snoopy house! (It was an inflatable Snoopy as the Red Baron atop his dog house)

7. How many chocolate chip cookies can you eat?

Crash: More than you can count
Bang: As much as I want

8. What do mom and dad do when we stay up late?

Crash: Watch Blind Spot or This Is Us or any other shows that you watch
Bang: Watch a movie, eat popcorn, and fart

9. What’s the one thing you want most for Christmas?

Crash: Super Mario Odyssey
Bang: Hatchimal

10. What color would you like our house to be?

Crash: Green with a big rainbow on the side
Bang: The color it is now… blue.

What are your kids asking for this year? Let me know below!

Come join the fun over on Twitter and Instagram and Facebook, too.