Go Ask Your Father: The Lightning Round

I’m currently sitting here listening to a kitchen concert live on Facebook. A friend of ours is a wicked guitar player and singer and likes to put on “concerts” live from his kitchen. He takes requests and just plays for a while. Good times.

Tonight, I thought I’d change up the Go Ask Your Father a bit and make it a lightning round. This is the little questions they ask that requires little thought, no Google, and minimal explanation. There are hundreds, if not thousands, of them every day. You have to be careful answering these questions because it could lead to more questions. Then you might as well open the hornets’ nest.

1. Who pissed themselves?

*Back story: Driving home from school, I was telling DW that the teacher I was subbing for was there in the morning but left before 8:45 because she wasn’t feeling well. She had been sick the day before, too. DW said she “She came back too soon. She pushed herself too hard.” From the backseat we hear, “Who pissed themselves?”

No buddy, we said she PUSHED herself. We laughed and laughed the whole way home.

2. Where’s our radio stick?

It didn’t take us long to figure out that “radio stick” meant antenna. That would be the thing on top of our truck that has a beach ball stuck to it. It’s our way of keeping summer in our heart all through winter.

3. Can I go on my tablet?

Giv’er. Just make sure you set a tablet timer on Alexa (Amazon Echo) so you know when your half hour is up. Oh. You already had an hour? No tablet for you. Go find something else to do. You may throw a temper tantrum. It won’t get you more tablet time, though.

4. Can I earn more tablet time?

Of course. Your toys in the basement need to be put away. That’ll earn you 10 minutes. The stair up and the stairs down need to be vacuumed (up to the upstairs and down to the basement). That’ll get you 5 minutes each. Emptying the dishwasher will get you another 15 minutes. Correctly tell me how many minutes that is and the tablet is all yours.

5. Why do we have to be quiet in church for 2 days?

Because if you embarrass me being loud I will embarrass you ten times worse later. We were quiet yesterday and today entering and exiting because yesterday was Jesus’s last supper and today is the day Jesus died so it’s a somber time. Somber means sad, my favorite 10 year old.

6. What’s for supper?

Usually, I’ll tell them whale tongue (pork tenderloin) or boiled worms and slug sauce (spaghetti) or alligator legs (shake-n-bake chicken) or elephant heart (roast beef) Anything to gross them out, really. What’d I’d like to say is, “Use your eyes, my dear child. It’s on the stove.” 6 out of 7 days I enjoy cooking. That 7th day, though… I’m tired of keeping them alive. If they’re that hungry, they’ll find something. Usually we opt for eating out. Less mess, no cooking, happy dad. You know the saying, happy dad, happy… nevermind, there is no saying.

7. How many cookies can I have?

Like my mama told me, 2. You can have one for each hand because then your hands are full. In house full of cookie monsters they will fill their hands, empty their hands, then refill. I try to limit them so I can get my fill after they go to bed. I hide the Cadbury mini eggs in the veggie drawer. No one finds them there.

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Questions I Asked My Wife

I haven’t done a survey for a few weeks now. Since this evening was too busy to ask the kids questions, I’ll ask DW some questions. I’ll answer them, too. We’re all caught up on our shows now. We watch The Voice, The Good Doctor, Caught, This Is Us, Grey’s Anatomy, and the newest show, Station 19. Feel free write your own post and ask your own significant other these questions. I’d love to hear the answers!

1. Who’s your TV crush?

DW: Jackson Avery, Allan Hawco,
Me: Jo (Grey’s Anatomy), Beth (This Is Us)

 

 

GREY’S ANATOMY – ABC’s “Grey’s Anatomy” stars Camilla Luddington as Jo Wilson. (ABC/Adam Taylor)

2. If you weren’t a teacher, what would you be?

DW: “An ordinary old housewife like You is what I told my mother when I as a kid.
Me: Adventure tour guide or a ninja warrior gym trainer

3. What’s one thing you want to change about yourself?

DW: To be more patient
Me: To be permanently bald and not need to shave

4. What’s one thing you’d change about me?

DW: Only one thing?
Me: I’d straighten your toes

5. If you could get away with one crime, would you do it? What crime would you commit?

DW: Probably not. I could use the extra cash, but I’d feel too guilty.
Me: Yes. I’d rob a bank.

6. What song would you sing for your “The Voice” blind audition?

DW: As I Lay Me Down by Sophie B. Hawkins or The First Cut Is the Deepest by Sheryl Crow
Me: Macklemore’s Glorious 

7. What would be your idea of an ideal date with me?

DW: Dinner, drink, and dancing at a Three Finger Shot show or a moonlight trip to Assateague Island
Me: A trip to the beach (Assateague) in summer for dinner then stargazing and camping

8. Who is your celebrity doppelganger?

DW: Katie Holmes
Me: Dwayne Johnson except with blue eyes

 

 

9. Is there a memory of me that makes you laugh?

DW: There are lots! That time you nearly took a header into the wall. I nearly pissed myself
Me: That time I made you spill water on yourself in the truck and you called me an arsehole which caused Bang to say “Yeah, don’t be an arsehole.” which caused the 9 year old to say “Great. Now you’ve got him saying arsehole.”

10. What’s your Patronus?

DW: Eagle
Me: Wolf (or perhaps a monkey)

There’s An App for That

This app is amazing. It’s made for all ages and it’s so versatile depending on the age using it. The graphics are stunning. Full HD. It comes complete with surround sound and 360 degree views. It doesn’t require wifi, bluetooth, and doesn’t use battery life. Actually, it’ll recharge your battery wirelessly.

The best part is the more we use the app the healthier we become. There’s no need to monitor screen time with this app. The app will adapt itself to the user. What the user does within it’s parameters it will remember for the next time you come back to it. The more you use it, the more it remembers. Its privacy policy is incredible, too. It won’t share any of your information. NONE of it!

The best part is that it’s free! Of course, there are some in-app purchases, but they will directly effect how you use the app.

Just this afternoon, Crash and Bang used the app after school until supper. After supper they were right back into the app. Boy were they cranky when I told them it was time to get ready for bed. They weren’t done with the app, yet.

This app you ask? I can’t link to it, but I can tell you it’s called Outside. We are finally into the season of but-it’s-still-light-outside! The temperature also reached above 10 C. The neighbor’s boys were outside, too. So this app is perfectly suited to multiplayer modes. It can accommodate however many players you can find to play.

While the boys used the app to play and run and imagine and build, I used the app for gardening. I love getting my hands dirty. And dirt smells divine. I also used my shovel to turn the soil. Because this is Canada, six inches down was still frozen!

Let it go! Let it go! Can’t hold me back any more…

Use the app. Use it often.

What do you use the app for?

Why I Cook Two Meals

The only time in my life that I dieted was in high school between the months of November and March. That was wrestling season. After high school, I continued to eat healthy and I still do.

Mostly.

But I’ve never dieted again. I’ve never needed to watch my weight. As DW likes to say, “He eats the food and I gain the weight.” I’ve always understood dieting to mean weightloss. You go on a diet because you want to lose some weight, be healthy, avoid a heart attack or diabetes or something else that might run in your family. As I got older, I’ve come to understand that the word diet is a misnomer. It should be called a dietary lifestyle change, or waist recycling, or better nakeding.

Becuase we ALL want to look good naked.

How many diets over the years have been tried? How many of them have you tried? How many of them have failed? Previously, the 21 Day Fix (minus the workouts) entered our house. It worked for a bit. DW managed to lose 15 pounds. However, after 3 months it became the same foods over and over.

Boring.
Boring.
Boring.

Then DW’s cousin told her about this diet her own doctor, a metabolic specialist, had her undertake. The ketogenic (keto for short) diet. Once we understand that it’s not fat that makes us fat, the diet makes more sense. Sugar makes us fat and our bodies treat sugar and carbohydrates the same way. The keto diet is low carb/sugar, moderate levels of protein, and high in fats.

She went on this thing called “cold turkey” and quit the carbs and sugars over night. She switched to 85-90% chocolate as her treat. We found and make treats that use this stuff called erythritol – a sweetener that doesn’t spike blood sugar levels.

So now I cook two meals at supper time. Though, technically, I really only cook one meal. I just do it two different ways. If I make meatloaf, I’ll make two. One normal one and one that doesn’t have ketchup and brown sugar and bread crumbs. It has other tasty stuff. Don’t worry, if I’m cooking it, it will be good enough to eat. When I make spaghetti I also make spaghetti squash for DW. We go through a ton of cauliflower. Most recipes can be “ketofied”. And ketofy it I do. Pizza (fatheat pizza crust). Brownies. Pie. Bread (a.k.a. cloud bread). I save the bacon fat and cook with that, too.

We were also walking after school while the boys were ice skating.

She’s had bloodwork done twice now. After five months her good cholesterol is going up. Her bad cholesterol is going down. She is now down nearly 32 pounds.

She looks great naked, too.

Sunday Share: Y2W13

Welcome to Holy Week, if that’s your thing. It’s the lead up to Easter and whether you do the whole Christ has died, Christ has risen thing or you just stick to the eggs and bunnies and chocolate, I hope this week finds you happy, heathy, and excited.

Old Time Rock and Roll
Clapton, The Beatles, and Harrison’s song…

Home with Peanut and Pecan
Kids, Bubbles, and sticking up for our kids’ personal space…

Jason Greene – One Good Dad
Kids and the 9/11 Museum…

Riddle from the Middle
Through a dog’s eyes…

The Return of the Modern Philosopher
Sunday’s not complete without a chat with The Prince of Darkness…

And as always you can also follow me on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook

How to Survive Marriage

DW and I are coming up on 13 years of marriage in July. I know that’s not long in the whole scope of things. However, when the 15 years we’ve known each other is held up to other relationships we’ve been in, the others pale in comparison. Each of us were in 4 year relationships before. The one we’re in now is over three times as long!

Being a member of male species meant I had a lot to learn. While I didn’t necessarily learn it quickly or even on the first try for that matter, I did learn some valuable lessons on how to keep a marriage strong, healthy, and fun.

In the beginning, I wasn’t too good at many of these. Marriage has a learning curve, after all. Eventually, we learned how to be married and it has made all difference.

A simple “thanks” goes a long way…

Was supper cooked and it was edible? Perhaps it was even delicious. Thank them for for their time and effort to keep you alive. It lets them know you appreciate it and perhaps they’ll do it again tomorrow. They washed your dirty clothes? Perhaps they even put them away for you. Thank them for it so you won’t have to go naked, or worse, wear stinky filthy clothes in public.

Kiss your spouse before you leave for work…

It’s a proven scientific fact that spouse who kiss each other goodbye live longer.

A study conducted during the 1980’s found that men who kiss their wives before leaving for work live longer, get into fewer car accidents, and have a higher income than married men who don’t.

~Joshua Foer NY Times

While getting married certainly isn’t a get rich quick scheme and having kids a certainly a get poor quick scheme, it will help you live longer. I suppose it gives us a reason to come home. If home is where the kisses (and suppers) are, I’m coming home every day. Perhaps it has something to do with wives not killing husbands for being ignored in the morning.

Scare the living shit out of each other…

Jump scares are hilarious. However, be cautious because this has a negative effect on the kisses that lengthen your life. At least once in the marriage scare your spouse while they’re in the shower. Or while they’re drying their hair. From my experience, only attempt this once. Kisses and life are important; a second attempt could put you in the intensive care ward. Also, be prepared for immediate retaliation. While my mom was drying her hair my dad sneaked up behind her with a wooden spoon and a pot.

I’ve never seen anyone in an electric chair, but I now know what it looks like.

~My Dad

Keep the competition alive…

Board games. Video games. Games with friends. Made up games. Fitness challenges. It keeps the competition alive and when the two of you are trying to best each other you are also besting yourself. By competing against each other you make yourself better, too. Be that at Scrabble, Cards Against Humanity, Fitbit, The Punch Buggy game or whatever challenge floats your boat. And if you lose, suck it up. It’s just a game. Shake hands, kiss and try again next time.

Know how to argue…

 There’s no need for screaming matches. The kids provide enough of that for everyone. Besides, once you’ve started screaming, the arguing has ended. And just because you’re right doesn’t mean you get to rub in. Unless it was just a playful argument for the sake of arguing. Then you get say “I told you so”. Also, using past offenses is illegal unless it directly applies to the current argument. Someone once said that DW and I likely never argue, that we’re THAT couple. While we may not argue any more, we do have some lively discussions. Like that one about what that student’s last name was. Turns out she was right. Again.

 Find the time, the humor, and the love…

A couple who can laugh with each other and at each each will be a happy couple. You’ve got to find the humor, even if it’s just in the little things like the way I dance like a dizzy June bug and sing like a drunk donkey. Find the time for each other, too. Find yourself without the kids for an hour? Go to lunch or for coffee or a climbing wall. Make it date, even it’s just to school for a parent/teacher conference. Find the time to be married. Find the time where you don’t have be Mom and Dad, but husband and wife. Give head scratches or back scratches or ear rubs or whatever it is to help your bed buddy fall asleep. Give kisses on the forehead, too. Kiss them good bye. Kiss them hello. Kiss them good night. Kiss them good morning. And grab their butt and call them beautiful.

Because Parenting is Funny

It’s Tuesday.

It’s a good day for a laugh. I hope one of these tickles your funny bone.

Go Ask Your Father: Diamonds, Baseballs, Girls, and Skin Colors

1. How are diamonds formed?

Not by Superman super squeezing coal in his superman super fist. In fact, no coal is harmed in the making of diamonds. Coal is the compressed remains of dinosaur era plants. Diamonds are much, much older. They date back to when my parents met in college. Both are made of coal, just like that graphite in your pencil. It’s the way they formed that sets them apart. Diamonds form deep in the earth’s mantle about 90 miles down. Down there temperatures hover around a balmy 2,000F and the pressure is about 725,000 psi. The only other place to find these conditions are in my bed when I cocoon myself in the blankets. The reason diamonds are clear while graphite (both made of carbon) is black is the way their molecules bond. Diamond molecules bond tightly (called a sigma bond) in a three dimensional point (pyramid) – think toddler strapped in a 5 point harness car seat. This tight bonding doesn’t allow for the absorption of light, hence its clarity.  Meanwhile, graphite carbon molecules bond more loosely (called a pi bond) on flat planes – think toddler on a leash. This loose bonding allows light to be absorbed, hence, it’s black.

2. What are baseballs made of?

Summertime sunshine, peanuts, and the sounds of a crowd going wild when the Yankees and/or Red Sox lose. I, too, wondered as a kid what was inside those wonderful spheres. I found an old one and cut it open. What I found was a whole lotta string. It felt like I could have wrapped the whole stadium with the amount of string I unwound. In the middle of all that string was small rubber ball. What I didn’t discover at that time is that inside the rubber ball is cork. I knew players had tried to cork their bats. They’d hollow them out and fill it with cork then cap it to make it look solid again. This made the bat lighter and was highly illegal so I never thought there’d be cork in the ball. “How It’s Made” did a great episode on nearly exactly how they’re made. I may have watched it a dozen times, it’s that neat. A cork is surrounded by a rubber ball. Around the rubber ball is wound three different kinds of string (helps the ball keep its shape after being smashed by a bat). On the string are two figure eight shaped pieces of leather that get hand stitched with 108 red stitches. The factory had 350 workers making 8-10,000 balls a day! That’s a good thing because a single game uses an average of 65 baseballs. That’s 177,450 balls per season! And that’s just the MLB!

3. Can girls be on the Orioles?

I’ll just start with a quote from Jack Moore of Vice Sports

The question, then, isn’t when women will earn a spot on the diamond next to men. They have been earning those spots for over 100 years. The question is when the men barring the gates will finally stand aside and let them in.

Women have played in the majors before. If you’re familiar with A League of Their Own you’ll know they WERE the majors during WWII. Prior to that, women often made appearances on the diamond with men. Lefty, Jackie Mitchell, playing for the Chattanooga Lookouts took the mound against the Yankees in an exhibition game. She struck out the first two batters. Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig. Maybe you’ve heard of them? Toni Stone played in the Negro League against the likes of Willie Mays and Ernie Banks. In 1953 she was the 4th best hitter. Back in those days a woman’s place was still in the home. Women who attempted to do what men did were shamed by both homemakers and men. After WWII and the merging of of the Majors and the Negro League the men claimed full possession of the majors. In 1952 women were officially banned from Major League Baseball. In 1992 it was repealed. For almost 20 years there has been no rule against women playing in the MLB. However, just like in many other places, there are just men standing in the way.

4. Why do some people have dark skin?

It just depends on which crayon you choose to color them. We all know (or are about to find out) that our skin color is due to a pigment in our skin called melanin. There are two types of melanin, pheomelanin which appears as reds and yellows and eumelanin which is browns to blacks. While darker skinned people produce more eumelanin and lighter skinned people produce more pheomelanin this isn’t the main factor for your color. People’s melanin particles differ in size and number. More and larger melanin particles equals darker skin. There is an evolutionary advantage to skin color, though. Melanin protects our skin from harmful radiation. Those with darker skin reflect more UV/UVA light to better prevent sunburn and skin cancer. However, lighter skin tones absorb more UV/UVA, which aids in making vitamin D. None of us are exactly the same color, no matter what race we are and all the colors are so beautiful. However, we are so much more than the color of our skin.

Sunday Share: Y2W12

Our week off from school ends today. Tomorrow they are back to the learning box. I didn’t make them do as much math as I intended (for which they are grateful). We did practice tying shoe laces. I know there are “easy” methods, one of which we originally taught Crash. However, these “easy” methods often turn into knots when they come untied. So we are practicing the old fashioned way. Bang, the 6 year old enjoys the practice and is getting the hang of it. Crash, the 10 year old is getting the hang of it, too, though it frustrates him. So does everything else that seems like work.

While we’re practicing shoes, here are a few good reads from this week…

Sam: Living!
A new perspective…

Tracey Tobin
Don’t listen to the experts!

Fatty McCupcakes
Flying is stressful. Here’s how to make it easier for others…

Suzie Speaks
A whole lotta views and where she started…

His Girl Friday
Feel guilty? Don’t. I’ll let her explain why…

As always you can also find and follow me on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook…

My grandparents were farmers and they were always outstanding in their field!

Hey Kids, It’s Okay to be Bored

I’m bored.

Bored.
Bored.
Bored.

This was just minutes after ordering supper at a restaurant. You know what? It’s okay to be bored. It’s high time you learned to entertain your thoughts. It’s high time you learned to converse with other human beings. It’s high time you learned that sometimes in life you will bored.

And it’s okay.

Constantly in motion, constantly stimulated, the kids aren’t sure what happens when everything stops. There’s no app for sitting still. Sometimes you will just have to sit and entertain your thoughts for a while. I know thinking is something unusual for you, but it won’t hurt you. I promise.

With all of the lights and sounds and blips and bloops in today’s world, it’s no wonder that a constant need for stimulation is so heavily sought after by kids. TV. Tablets. Phones. Toys. They all need batteries and they all make sound and light up. How many non-battery toys do kids play with these days? How many adults turn to their phone when they have down time or are looking for something to do? It doesn’t matter that they’re sitting in the company of their friends. The lure is there.

It’s okay to be bored. It’s okay to use that boredom to think of wild and crazy ideas.

A pretty purple giraffe that drives a dump truck

An ice cream cone with 57 layers… what are those 57 flavors?

Hitting a homerun in the bottom of the 9th to win the game

Doing those stunts we saw the slopestyle snowboarders doing in the Olympics

What would happen if the shit really did hit the fan?

Daydream! I, myself, am guilty of it. I wander off to “Lalaland” more frequently than I should. Discuss! Talk to the people you are sitting with and tell them about your thoughts. Were you wondering something? Were you fascinated? Were you awed? Were you laughing hysterically? Were you pissed off? Tell them. There’s no need for an app for real life. It is its own app and it’s amazing. It never glitches. It never buffers. The images are always HD. The sound is surround. There are smells. There are feels. It’s amazing.

It’s okay to be bored. You don’t have start picking fights with your brother just for something to do. Go make something. A dream catcher. A leprechaun trap. A comic book. Draw a picture. Paint a picture. Paint a rock. Or mold with clay.

It’s okay to be bored. Go outside. Fresh air and sunshine are amazingly good natural remedies for boredom. Climb a tree. Explore the brook. Go “lion hunting” in the backyard. Ride a bike, a scooter, a skateboard, or rollerblades in-line-skates. Throw a Frizbee. Kick a ball. Throw a ball. Whatever… just go!

It’s okay to bored. You don’t need constant stimulation. You don’t even have to always be in motion. There is much to be learned from sitting still and silent. Finding your inner self can be quite a journey. I found my inner self one day. Turns out my inner self is still 6. You’re not going to find yours sitting in front of a screen surrounded by a cacophony of sounds and lights.

It’s quite the conundrum to be writing via the internet on my tablet about getting off the screen and being bored without it. So, I’m turning in now and I’m going to go read a book. (side note: I’m reading The Orphan Child about a woman who steals a Jewish baby off a Nazi train then joins the circus)

And it’s not going to be boring.