Go Ask Your Father: Fans, Vibrators, Trampoline Physics, and Boobs

Amen Halleluja! It’s Friday! Here in Canadaland it’s a long weekend. Victoria Day and all. And Prince Harry is getting married. Do you have your recorders set to record? I know some who have their recorders set to record EVERY channel airing The Wedding. A teacher arrived at school today dressed as if she were invited to the wedding. It was great!

Now lets get this weekend started!

How do fans cool us off?

Fans make us cool by cheering loudly for us. The cooler we are the louder they cheer. My fans are willing to holler down aisle six of the local grocery store, “Hi! Mr. Wood!” Of course I holler back. But he wasn’t talking about those kinds of fans or that kind of cool. When moving air hits you, whether it’s a fan or the wind or a kid running by at mach 2.3, the wind will feel cooler than nonmoving air. As the air zips by your skin it grabs tiny particles of moisture like a boy stealing a cookie out of your hand. Not wanting to be stolen by itself, the moisture takes a bit of heat with it because it takes energy to turn from the liquid on your skin to a gas in the air. This energy comes in the form of heat. You feel this loss of heat as coolness. This is why you feel colder getting out of the shower, pool, lake, pond, ocean, or mud puddle. As the water evaporates off your skin it takes heat with it on a date to make a cloud. If only I could achieve Ryan Reynolds coolness this way.

How do cell phones vibrate?

By getting a call, email, Twitter or Instagram notification. But what makes it buzz and

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shiver and vibrate like it’s trying Zumba for the first time? A motor, but not any regular motor you find in your Harley. This tiny motor is only one centimeter long. When it receives it’s electrical signal it spins a shaft on which is an offset weight. Offset here means that it’s lopsided, like my friend’s head. So it’s heavier on one side than the other. Therefore, when it spins it shakes like a Big Wheel on a cobble stone road. This kind of motor creates a vibration in 360 degrees as the weight spins around the shaft.

vibrationmotor-01-l

The other kind of vibrator your phone might be equipped with is small but powerful. Size doesn’t matter, right? This motor works in much the same way as a shaft vibrator, by spinning an off center mass. However, haptic motors create linear (side to side) vibrations as it’s just a disk that spins. Imagine a record (LP?)(vinyl?)(giant black CD) that has one side shaved off. Now imagine spinning it 17,000 rpms. All this about shafts and vibrators reminds me of Buzz and Woody. (from the movie!)

How do you launch us on the trampoline?

The boys love it when I join them on the trampoline. However, I’ve discovered I’m exactly I-can-only-jump-for-a-half-hour years old. Not to brag, but I am a good launcher though. According to Bang, I’m a better launcher than Crash. I think it’s because my ass weighs about fifty (WTH? Only 50?) more than he does. There is a bit of science happening and I find it rather interesting. There is a lot of fancy math about elastic energy, but I’ll leave that out of this post. It’s certainly not what I’m thinking about while I’m jumping. Imagine shooting your spouse with a rubber band elastic. If you were wise you’ll only pull the elastic back a little bit so it flies gently. If you’re a glutton for punishment you’ll haul back on the elastic, let it fly, then run like hell. The more tension you put on it, the more potential energy you give it. Therefore, the more potential energy it has the more it transforms to kenetic when you let it go. The same thing happens on the trampoline, though it happens vertically as opposed to horizontally like the elastic. My extra 50 pounds gives the trampoline more potential energy as my weight pushes down harder. If I time my landing just right, I get the mat at it’s maximum tension at the exact same time as 50 pound Bang lands. Then he’s launched skyward with three times the amount of energy that he could have given it by himself. Or 50 pounds more force than if his brother had launched him.

Why do you have to get your boobs checked?

Bang is a boob man. He loves to demonstrate that he is exactly boob height to his mother. That’s a good height to be. Obviously, this question was not directed at me. Though men are not immune to breast cancer, either. Which sort of answers the question. DW left for her mammogram appointment a half hour before we left for school and the boys thought it strange. Naturally, it triggered many more questions which will make their debut in the coming weeks. Breast cancer occurs when malignant tumors form either in the cells of the lobules (the milk producing glands) or the ducts (the passages leading from the lobules to the nipple. If left undetected it will spread to underarm lymph nodes. For cancer cells, the lymph nodes are a highway to the rest of the body. Annual screening tests are ideal for catching it early. So no matter if you’re A cup or DD cup, go get checked. Or get you’re hubby to. He’d be a fool to turn that chore. By the way, no cancer has been detected in DW since she start doing annual mammograms.

  • According to BreastCancer.org 1 in 8 women will develop invasive breast cancer.
  • Breast cancer is the second only to skin cancer.
  • A woman’s risk of breast cancer doubles if she has a first-degree relative diagnosed.
  • 85% of diagnosed breast cancers occur in women with no family history of breast cancer.

Save the whole woman while you’re at it

X is for A Word That Technically Doesn’t Start with X But Has An X In It

X words are hard. Arguably the toughest letter to write in the A to Z Challenge. X words are very limited. If you include names of people, places, events and rare old words there are only about 400 of them. If you don’t include all those other words there are really only two X people use. X-ray and xyolphone. The only other time x is used is if you’re a Roman numeral or a math problem. 

So today I’ll cheat and use a word that has an X in it. It may not be the first letter, but it is the second. So it’s close. 

Eplain. Because I do a lot of eplaining through the day.

  • why they have to get up and get ready for school
  • why they need to stay in bed and sleep more
  • why it’s time to go
  • why they have to brush their teeth
  • why they have to put pants on
  • why they can’t have a snack 5 minutes before supper time
  • why they need to pee IN the toilet instead of ON the toilet

The list goes on, of course. I’m sure you could even fill it in for me. If you explain enough consecutive why questions you reach the beginning of the Universe and start to believe this is just some weird experiement and we’re all just a part of the Matrix and you’re most definitely not the Chosen One. 

So why have I had to explain most recently?

1. What is an arse?

We asked Google this one. There’s a fun feature on my phone where all I have to do is say  “Okay Google” and it wakes up and starts listening. I wish the boys were that responsive. DW wishes I was that responsive. I was going to ask Google about the Orioles game from the night before except when I went to say “Orioles” someone else hollered “Fart-arse!” Google didn’t understand and I was laughing to hard to correct it. So we asked, “What’s an arse?” Interestingly enough it did not show me my own picture. She simply told me it’s the British spelling of ass. I’m not British so therefore I’m not an arse. That’s sound logic.

2. How many burgers can a cow make?

I took out a pound of ground beef the other day to make whatever I was making for supper. Being mediocre at math, I knew that I could get four quarter pound hamburgers from it. For those less than mediocre, there are four quarters in one whole (pound in this case). But how many could I get from a whole cow? I’ve seriously considered investing in a cow, or perhaps the whole damn farm, just to supply Crash and Bang with milk. Alas, I know the work schedule of a dairy farmer and it’s not for me. So our milk will come from the grocery store. Anyway, if your cow weighs a thousand pounds, a half ton, you could make about 4,500 burgers. However, that would be equivalent to a Happy Meal burger. If you want a quarter pounder you’ll only get about a thousand burgers from a thousand pound cow. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need a Big Mac and a Whopper.

3. How do checks work?

Checks are still used. Though there were 12.2 billion fewer in 2012 than 2006. I’m sure there are even few than that today. The MICR (pronounced mick-er) line is the important part. This is the line of characters at the bottom of the check. This line include the routing number (aka the banks “address”), your account number, and the check number. The rest of the check you fill in yourself – the recipient, the amount, the date, and your signature. The MICR line is machine readable because the check is scanned and imaged to be processed electronically. Small scanners can handle 45 checks per minute. Large ones can scan hundreds or thousands in the same amount of time. Same as comparing how many meters I can run in a minute compared to Usain Bolt. Your phone acts as a such a scanner when you take a picture of your check and send to the bank to be process electronically. Checks are then destroyed. If you submit a check electronically it’s up to you to destroy. Just give it to my kids. They can tear the hinges off of Hades. They’ll have no trouble wrecking your check so it can’t be deposited twice.

4. Can we get pizza with balls on it?

This reminds of the story of when we went to McDonalds. It was my parents, my brother, and myself. I think I was in high school at the time. Dad asked for an ice cream sundae. They asked if he wanted nuts on it. My brother and I chimed in from the backseat, “Yeah get nuts. Sweaty ones.” My dad was laughing so hard he couldn’t complete the order and had to drive around the restaraunt and re-enter the drive though. So when Bang asked if he could balls on his pizza I nearly lost it. He doesn’t get it, yet, but one day he will. The balls he’s referring to are sausage. He’ll eat fish, sketti meatballs and sausage balls on pizza. Those are the only meats he’ll eat that don’t get smashed into mashed pototoes. Just recently, he’s eaten ham on it’s own. 

Would you like balls with that?
Yeah, get balls.