How to Survive Parenthood

Is that even possible? I assume it is because my parents survived parenthood. But that was 30-40 years ago. Plus my brother and I were easy kids to raise (with myself being the easier of the two, of course). Parenting has changed over the millions of years parents have graced the Earth. Dinosaurs could always eat their young if they misbehaved. That’s not really an option for us. So exactly, how does one survive parenthood?

Profanity

Lots and lots of profanity. Whether you allow your kids to hear your colorful language or it’s muttered under your breath as they walk away, it helps relieve the tension that built up while you argued with your politician. When your kid has an answer for EVERYTHING a few swear words will release the stress. When your kids insists that numbers less than zero are negative but numbers less than negative ten are megative and refuses any correction, you’re best bet is to send him away and give him a couple middle fingers while his back is turned.

Dates

Not the fruity kind. Though, enough of those will allow you to frequently use the bathroom where you can hopefully lock the door and keep unwanted guests away with the smell of not using Poo Pourri. These dates are the loving kind. The kidless kind. The do-whatever-you-can-do kind. Perhaps you have a late supper after putting the kids to bed. Being free to make any child unfriendly meal you want is as sweet as bedtime itself. Perhaps you can get a sitter for a couple hours to go out. Perhaps you can send the kids for sleepovers and make a night of it. Perhaps you just snuggle up and snack and watch a movie or binge watch the latest show that has course language and violence and parental supervision is required. Whatever you do, do it well and do it with love. And wine.

Wine

I know this one isn’t for everyone. I’ve heard some of you abstain from alcohol. You are the tough ones and I admire your courage. Mind you, we don’t celebrate “The Kids Are Asleep” every night with wine. Lately, we’ve only been celebrating every other weekend. We each have our favorite and we each know what they are so we can resupply when necessary. That’s true love.

Laughter

If you can’t laugh with or at each other, what can you do? That time I stepped on a toy, picked my foot up and put back down on a different toy, then nearly took a header through the wall? DW laughed so hard tears ran down her leg. That time I was backing out of the driveway and DW took a drink from her water bottle and I slammed on the brakes so she’d soak herself? Sure I called an asshole. But when the 4 year old in the backseat piped up with “Yeah, dad. Don’t be an asshole.” Then the 8 year old chimed in with “Great! Now you’ve got him saying asshole.” Or that time I told DW the Washington Capitals won the Stanley Cup and it was the first time my home team won it. She asked, “How you know it’s not Washington State?” Because they’re they Capitals? Maybe? Laugh. Laugh often and laugh loud.

Do whatever you have to do

It’s survival of the fittest. Adapt or get run over by life, also known as kids. You do whatever you need to do to survive your kids. Kick them outside. Allow them extra time in front of a screen. Give them an extra snack be it healthy or junk. Let them tromp through the mud, play in the sink, jump on the bed, cut their own hair. If it allows you a minute and a half to cook supper in peace, poop in peace, write a blog post in peace, anything in peace, let it happen. Make it happen. Or else the profanity will hit the fan.

sass-quote

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A Year in Review

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If you’re reading this you’ve successfully made it through 2016 and into 2017. Congratulations. My blog survived the year, too. It’s coming up on two years since I made the switch from Blogger to WordPress. I brought exactly zero followers with me when I made that switch.

So how did my second year compare to my first year? Thanks to all of you, it’s a bit like comparing George Lucas’s second film “American Graffiti” with his third film “Star Wars”. The only thing missing is a few million geeks.

2015 accumulated 9,259 views.
2016 accumulated 18,997 views for an increase of 9,738. This is over double from my first year of blogging. This makes me as happy as a geek on opening night of Rogue One.

2015 had 3,510 visitors.
2016 had 6,625 visitors. This is 3,115 more. Not quite double, but close!

In 2015 I posted 316 times.
In 2016 I posted 356 times. This means I was 9 posts short of one a day for an entire year.

2015 brought 2,827 likes.
2016 brought 6,735 likes.  3,908 more! You like me! You really like me! Y’all are as awesome as a $20 bill found in a pocket of a coat you haven’t worn for a year.

2015 had some good discussions. 2,370 comments were left on my blog.
2016 had some good discussions. 5,633 comments were left on my blog. Again, this is more than double. This is the section I love to report on the most. I’ve said it repeatedly and I’ll continue to say it, your comments and stories and input are absolutely amazing. Thank you.

In 2016 my most popular page was my homepage with 3,628 views. My top three most viewed posts were my about page with 296 views, my links page with 145 views, and the taboo words for the Taboo Word Challenge with 127 views. My most popular post to date is The Value of a Teacher with 517 views.

In 2015 my blog travelled the world over. 54 countries visited my little space.
In 2016 my blog travelled the world over. Exactly 100 countries visited. That means there are just 96 countries who haven’t visited yet. The top countries to visit last year were the US, Canada, United Kingdom, Australia, Netherlands, and Thailand.

2015 began with exactly zero followers, but by the end of that first year I had 253 amazing followers.
2016 began with the 253 followers from 2015. Then 456 joined us for the fun and frustration of being a parent for a total of 709 followers! Thanks to AppleGrowing Up Wonderfull, and Little Boys Are Made Of for being my most recent followers. I see the 1,000th follower coming. Will you be next?

Lastly, my top 5 commenters in 2015 were Grubbs-n-Critters, I’m Strong Enough to Break (now known as That’s What Anxious Mom Said), Elen Grey, A Momma’s View, and Terri Webster Schrandt.

In 2016 four of those 5 are still on my list of top commenters! Grubbs-n-CrittersA Momma’s ViewThat’s What Anxious Mom SaidElen GreyLife In Perspective Web, and Larva225.

I’ll end on a humorous note, the search terms that led people to my blog.

  • run sad to happy
  • sunday
  • sad running happy
  • windows 10 start button doesnt work
  • taboo challenge
  • about captain america
  • semalt expert
  • parenting
  • mountain.or.forest
  • elf on the shelf when dad’s in charge

I LOVE that sixth one.

friendship-quotes-friends

All 709 of you are weird, but I’ve been lucky enough to find someone nearly as weird as I am and I am eternally thankful that she continues to put up with my desire to blog. XOXO