How to Survive Marriage

DW and I are coming up on 13 years of marriage in July. I know that’s not long in the whole scope of things. However, when the 15 years we’ve known each other is held up to other relationships we’ve been in, the others pale in comparison. Each of us were in 4 year relationships before. The one we’re in now is over three times as long!

Being a member of male species meant I had a lot to learn. While I didn’t necessarily learn it quickly or even on the first try for that matter, I did learn some valuable lessons on how to keep a marriage strong, healthy, and fun.

In the beginning, I wasn’t too good at many of these. Marriage has a learning curve, after all. Eventually, we learned how to be married and it has made all difference.

A simple “thanks” goes a long way…

Was supper cooked and it was edible? Perhaps it was even delicious. Thank them for for their time and effort to keep you alive. It lets them know you appreciate it and perhaps they’ll do it again tomorrow. They washed your dirty clothes? Perhaps they even put them away for you. Thank them for it so you won’t have to go naked, or worse, wear stinky filthy clothes in public.

Kiss your spouse before you leave for work…

It’s a proven scientific fact that spouse who kiss each other goodbye live longer.

A study conducted during the 1980’s found that men who kiss their wives before leaving for work live longer, get into fewer car accidents, and have a higher income than married men who don’t.

~Joshua Foer NY Times

While getting married certainly isn’t a get rich quick scheme and having kids a certainly a get poor quick scheme, it will help you live longer. I suppose it gives us a reason to come home. If home is where the kisses (and suppers) are, I’m coming home every day. Perhaps it has something to do with wives not killing husbands for being ignored in the morning.

Scare the living shit out of each other…

Jump scares are hilarious. However, be cautious because this has a negative effect on the kisses that lengthen your life. At least once in the marriage scare your spouse while they’re in the shower. Or while they’re drying their hair. From my experience, only attempt this once. Kisses and life are important; a second attempt could put you in the intensive care ward. Also, be prepared for immediate retaliation. While my mom was drying her hair my dad sneaked up behind her with a wooden spoon and a pot.

I’ve never seen anyone in an electric chair, but I now know what it looks like.

~My Dad

Keep the competition alive…

Board games. Video games. Games with friends. Made up games. Fitness challenges. It keeps the competition alive and when the two of you are trying to best each other you are also besting yourself. By competing against each other you make yourself better, too. Be that at Scrabble, Cards Against Humanity, Fitbit, The Punch Buggy game or whatever challenge floats your boat. And if you lose, suck it up. It’s just a game. Shake hands, kiss and try again next time.

Know how to argue…

 There’s no need for screaming matches. The kids provide enough of that for everyone. Besides, once you’ve started screaming, the arguing has ended. And just because you’re right doesn’t mean you get to rub in. Unless it was just a playful argument for the sake of arguing. Then you get say “I told you so”. Also, using past offenses is illegal unless it directly applies to the current argument. Someone once said that DW and I likely never argue, that we’re THAT couple. While we may not argue any more, we do have some lively discussions. Like that one about what that student’s last name was. Turns out she was right. Again.

 Find the time, the humor, and the love…

A couple who can laugh with each other and at each each will be a happy couple. You’ve got to find the humor, even if it’s just in the little things like the way I dance like a dizzy June bug and sing like a drunk donkey. Find the time for each other, too. Find yourself without the kids for an hour? Go to lunch or for coffee or a climbing wall. Make it date, even it’s just to school for a parent/teacher conference. Find the time to be married. Find the time where you don’t have be Mom and Dad, but husband and wife. Give head scratches or back scratches or ear rubs or whatever it is to help your bed buddy fall asleep. Give kisses on the forehead, too. Kiss them good bye. Kiss them hello. Kiss them good night. Kiss them good morning. And grab their butt and call them beautiful.

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What 12 Years Gets You

It has taken many years to get where we are today. The learning curve was steep. We were newlyweds learning how to be married. How to be husband and wife. And now 12 years later, here we are. Wiser. Slightly more crazy. More in love today than we were 12 years ago.

Wiser

We learned to work as a team. Mostly, I learned to listen and follow instruction. To test how well a couple teams up give them a brand new BBQ in 50 pieces and poorly written instructions. The good ones will have it together in an hour laughing along the way. The ones who are still learning? Both will argue that their way is right. Both will give instructions. Neither will listen. The marriage will dissolve and someone will be threatened to be beaten to death with the unbuilt BBQ. It’s the same with furniture assembly and vacation planning.

Twelve years has taught us (me) that listening, not just hearing, is as important as doing. Of course, being weak to her Mind Tricks helps.

Crazier

Twelve years is a long time to be with the same person. You learn to find your own version of normal. It’s buying your own anniversary present because your wife is sick with the flu and can’t get out. It’s playing with said present (Bop It) and dancing like a drunk June bug to make her laugh. It’s knowing who is going to jump on the trampoline with the kids and who is going to plan the birthday party.

Kids have a tendency to make you a bit crazier than usual, too. Whether they entice you onto the kitchen dance floor, adorn you with macaroni jewels, or just plain refuse to go to sleep, you will find your own crazy and you will embrace it. Wear it proudly as if it were a crown.

Love

We have learned what sacrifices the other has made to help the family. Whether it was a move or using birthday money to pay a bill or going without sleep because of a sick kid, hungry infant, or worry. We learn to see what we do for each other. Whether it’s simple things like cooking, cleaning, or entertaining the kids. Or it’s big like planning a big party, support through a tough time, or a surprise outing. Also, having kids gives us a common enemy goal.

Though all we have learned over the past 12 years (14 if you count when we first met), I have learned the most. Some how I have hunch I’m not yet done learning.

Now come find and follow me on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram…

42

A city girl from Pennsylvania.

A farm boy from Maryland. 

They met in college at the boy’s birthday party. The rest, as they say, is history.

The girl’s mother asked the boy, “Why do you want to marry my daughter?”
“Why not?” the boy responds.

I laughed when I heard this story. I used to think it was smartass remark. But thinking on it, perhaps he had no reasons why not to marry her. Perhaps, he knew all the reason why. 

But knowing him, it was probably as much a smartass response as it was romantic.

Through the years they’ve had their ups. They’ve had their downs. Perhaps even a few side ways. They’ve lived in at least four different states. Twice as many houses. They brought two strikingly handsome, brilliantly intellegent, incredibly strong yet gentle, loving boys into the world. They couldn’t have done that if they weren’t all that themselves. 

It takes something special to make it 42 years. A great sense of humor, for instance. Like when your husband sneaks up on you while you’re blow drying your hair in the bathroom and bangs on a pot with a wooden spoon. If you don’t laugh, you might kill him. It also takes wisdom. Like knowing you can only get away with said scare only once. It takes great patience. Whether one of you is working vast amounts of overtime or it’s time to move house again or finances are a struggle or your kid just broke another window, patience will see you through. Supporting each other when the going gets tough and laughing together when going gets easy will help any marriage survive the test of time. 

I try to follow their example in both marriage and parenting. Patience. Humor. Love. With a little luck we’ll last 42 years, too.

Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad!

21 Questions I Asked My Wife

I highly encourage you ask your spouse these questions. The laughs you get will make it well worth it. I’m not even sure where I found these, but here they are for your enjoyment (and mine). 

Q: Would you rather I be completely hairless or as hairy as a gorilla?
A: Completely hairless

Q: What actress would play you in a movie about your life?
A: Katie Holmes (or Emilia Clarke or Megan Fox if Katie isn’t available)

Q: Who would play your love interest (aka, me) in a movie about your life?
A:  Kelly Slater or Howie Mandel or Billy Zane (from The Titanic) (she also named Mr. Magoo)

Q: Would you rather our children grow up to be 8 feet tall or 3 feet tall?
A: 8 feet tall

Q: If you had to go a week without your phone, what would you miss the most about it?
A: Wunderlist (our grocery/to do list)

Q: What do you like most that I do in bed?
A: Scratch my head

Q: What was your first impression of me? Did you ever dislike me?
A: My first thought was “Wow, he’s really short.” and “Why’s he’s wearing a trench coat?”

Q: What’s your favorite memory of our wedding day?
A: Seeing how excited you were when the bagpiper piped us into our reception

Q: If you woke up tomorrow as a man, what would be the first three things you’d do?
A: Stratch my junk, play with my junk, and pee standing up

Q: Would you rather use whipped cream or hot fudge?
A: Depends on what we’re using it for… 

Q: What do you think is your best physical feature?
A: My smile

Q: What do you think is my best physical feature?
A: Your bum

Q: If you could be on any reality TV show, which one would it be?
A: Gold Rush so I could drive a bulldozer or a big digger

Q: Have you ever obsessed over anything? (toys, movies, projects, people, problems)
A: New Kids on the Block

Q: What were your nicknames growing up, including the ones you didn’t want to stick?
A: Smurfette, Shit-heels, Pissy-Liz, Bimp, Boo, Snugglebum

Q: If I let you dress me, what would I wear on our next date?
A: Dark jeans, brown shoes, and a nice button up shirt (she knows I hate brown shoes)

Q: Would you ever role play in bed?
A: Yes.

Q: Yoga pants or skirts?
A: Yoga pants

Q: What song would you sing for your audition on The Voice?
A: As I Lay Me Down by Sophie B. Hawkins or The First Cut Is the Deepest by Sheryl Crow

Q: Is there a food that reminds you of me?
A: Hearty Chicken Bake

Q: Is there a memory you have or me that always makes you laugh?
A: Holey underwear

This Day 11 Years Ago

 

It’s amazing how time can zip right by. It’s amazing how it seem to stand statue still. It really is relative.

Happy 11 year anniversary to the amazing woman I call DW.

Back when Stomperdad had a little bit more hair. The dress was custom made by DW’s brother’s mother-in-law. 

 

Marriage Hurts

I was out shoveling for the first time this winter season. Afterwards, my first thought was that if we had a winter home in Australia it would be summer time. My second thought was that marriage hurts.

Big leap there, I know.

How did I learn that marriage hurts while shoveling snow?

The calloused blister on my hand taught me. That blister was caused by my wedding band while I was shoveling the driveway at 6:30 am so DW could drive to work.

That’s how I know.

It’s the kicks in the night from the restless spouse. It’s the cold feet put on your warm body because your partner wants you to warm them up. It’s the snuggling in such a way that your arm or leg falls asleep and gets that pins and needles feeling.

It’s the working around the house attempting to get the “honey do” list done. “Honey, do move this over there. Honey, do fix this and this and this. Honey, do figure out what’s going on with this and that.”

There will be injuries with each of those honey dos. At least, there will be they way I do handyman. Banged a finger with the hammer. Cut myself on/with something – chances are I won’t remember how. Burned myself. Fell down the stairs getting the tools. Fell up the stairs carrying an armful of whatever needed to be moved because I’m too stubborn to make more than one trip.

Then there are the “smacks”. Okay, perhaps I shouldn’t have scared DW while she was in the shower. I deserved that punch, but it was totally worth it.

I probably shouldn’t have hit the brakes in the truck while she getting a
drink, either. I deserved that smack, too. Again, it was funny as hell. I know it was asshole thing to do and she told me so. The three year old then says, “Yeah dad, don’t be an asshole.” To which the seven year old replied, “Great! Now you got him saying asshole.” We were laughing far too hard to discipline anyone.

Then there are the arguments – or heated discussions if you’re in our house. They hurt, too. But not the kind of hurt you can typically see. It’s no fun arguing with the one you love. But when you share absolutely everything – a dinner table, a bed, a toilet, responsibilities, kids – there’s bound to be an argument or two. Just because two people argue doesn’t mean they don’t love each other. But still, it hurts.

But, you know what?

We wouldn’t have it any other way. This little thing called love binds us together. Sure we drive each other batshit crazy. Isn’t that the fun part? And I’m pretty sure it was in our vows to love each other in sickness and health, for richer or poorer, for sanity and insanity…

So, with a calloused blistered hand, I will continue to shovel the snow in the driveway because I don’t need to say I love you in order to show that I love you.

My Poetry of You

Photo courteous of 6squaredstudios.ca

I never write a line
nor the stroke of my pen does start
without the tender, emotional
chords pulling at my heart.

So feel my eyes upon you
as you do the things you do,
as I draw my inspiration
from the poetry of you.

I find my poems
in your silent voice at night,
written within your whispers
wandering through my dreams.

And when you cross that old stone bridge
over the glassy still water,
and wander the wildflower meadow
you’ll find me dreaming.

For I believe in magic
That dreams come true,
I believe in the power of hope
For I believe in you.

*This was written somewhere around the time we got engaged or married. I’m not sure what “old stone bridge” I’m talking about. Perhaps it represents crossing into married life? 😀 ❤