J is for… #atozchallenge

Who doesn’t love a good dad joke? Or bad one? The term “dad joke” has become synonymous with any joke so bad, so lame, the best reaction you can hope for is an eye roll. Most them are just punny.

I was hoping my 10 jokes would make people laugh, but no pun in ten did.

You need a sense of humor if you’re going to be a parent. How else will you survive your kids? Between the things kids do and the things they say, we’ve got enough ammo to keep us laughing for years to come. So they got their head stuck in a concrete block when they were two. So they covered their little brother with the entire jar of peanut butter. So they loudly compare your anatomy to that of a model in the Body Worlds museum. I an guarantee Parenthood will be full of more laughter than your bladder can hold.

Me: Doctor, you’ve got to help me. I’m addicted to Twitter.
Doctor: I don’t follow you.

Q: When does a joke become a dad joke?
A: When the punch line becomes apparent.

The mother of three notoriously unruly youngsters was asked whether or not she’d have children if she had to do over again.
“Sure,” she replied, “but not the same ones.”

The dinner I was cooking for my family was going to be a surprise but the fire trucks ruined it.

Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.

I’ll clean my house when the last kid has moved out.

Q: What part of your family can you see through?
A: A transparent.

Have a good parenting pun/joke? I’d love to hear it! Happy hump day!

For more laughs you can follow me on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.

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The Funny Thing About Rain

My Ark is complete. The animals were loaded two by two. Here we are in the backyard…

As you can see we’re flooded. Okay, so technically it’s not that bad. But remember when I showed you our forecast and it said rain until Wednesday? Now it’s going to rain until Saturday. That’s 8 days of rain. It hasn’t been on and off either. It’s been steady, beat the windows, drown a fish kind of rain. I think I’ve got swamp foot.

I’m going to worship the sun when it comes back.

The rain has now overstayed its welcome so I will now poke fun at it. Perhaps if it sees it’s unwelcome it’ll pack up and move out.

Good bye!
Adios!
Au revoir!
Totsiens!
Tot ziens!
Auf wiedersehen!
안녕

Jokes on you, rain! (Thanks jokes4us.com)

Q: What is a king’s favorite kind of precipitation?
A: Hail! 

Q: When does it rain money?
A: When there is “change” in the weather. 

Q: What’s the difference between a horse and the weather?
A: One is reined up and the other rains down. 

Q: Why does Snoop dog need an umbrella?
A: Fo’ Drizzle. 

Q: What do you call it when it rains chickens and ducks?
A: Foul (fowl) weather. 

Q: What did one raindrop say to the other?
A: Two’s company, three’s a cloud 

Q: Why did the man use ketchup in the rain?
A: Because it was raining cats and hot dogs. 

Q: Where did the meteorologist stop for a drink on the way home from a long day in the studio?
A: The nearest ISOBAR 

Q: What’s worse than raining buckets?
A: Hailing taxis! 

Q: How can you wrap a cloud?
A: with a rainbow. 

Q: What goes up when the rain comes down?
A: An Umbrella. 

Q: What do you call two straight days of rain in Seattle?
A: A weekend. 

Q: What is the Mexican weather report?
A: Chili today and hot tamale. 

Q: When is Monday coming?
A: MonSoon! 

Q: What do you call a wet bear?
A: A drizzly bear 

Q: What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle?
A: An extra hour of rain. 

Q: Where do lightning bolts go on dates?
A: To cloud 9 

Q: What did the hail storm say to the roof?
A: Hang onto your shingles, this will be no ordinary sprinkles. 

Q: What did the evaporating raindrop say?
A: I’m going to pieces. 

Q: What did one raindrop say to the other raindrop?
A: My plop is bigger than your plop. 

Q: How can Santa deliver presents during a thunderstorm?
A: His sleigh is flown by raindeer. 

Q: What is a queens favorite kind of precipitation?
A: Reign! 

Q: Can Bees fly in the rain?
A: Not without their yellow jackets 

Q: How do lightning bolts flirt?
A: They electrocute each other 

Q: How do thunderstorms invest their money?
A: In a combination of liquid assets and frozen assets 

Q: What do you call a months worth of rain?
A: England 

Q: What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A: A rain of terror. 

Q: Why was the blonde standing outside the department store in the rain?
A: She was waiting to cash her rain check! 

Q: What often falls but never gets hurt?
A: Rain 

Q: Why is sex like a thunderstorm?
A: “You never know how many inches you’ll get and how long it’ll last.” 

Don’t forget to float on over and follow me on Facebook and Twitter!

J is for…

If you’re a parent you need a serious sense of humor. If you can’t laugh when your toddler decides too pee off the front porch because he’s too lazy to walk up a flight of steps to the bathroom, you won’t survive parenthood. If you can’t entertain the thought when one of your kids tells you that when he turns 5 he’s going to turn into a puppy so he can poop in the yard (different kid than the one who peed off the front porch) parenthood is going to be long and brutal. 

 is jokes. I bring you ten five jokes to tickle your funny bone.

1.“Every night before I get my one hour of sleep, I have the same thought: ‘Well, that’s a wrap on another day of acting like I know what I’m doing.’ I wish I were exaggerating, but I’m not. Most of the time, I feel entirely unqualified to be a parent. I call these times being awake.” ~Jim Gaffigan

2. For weeks a six-year-old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day, the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, “Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?”

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, “I think Mommy ate it!”

3. 

4. A child asked his father, “How were people born?” So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.” The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.” The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!” His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”

5. Little Susie, a six-year-old, complained, “Mother, I’ve got a stomach ache.” “That’s because your stomach is empty,” the mother replied. “You would feel better if you had something in it.” That afternoon, her father came complaining that he had a severe headache all day. Susie perked up, “That’s because it’s empty,” she said. “You’d feel better if you had something in it.”

For A Good Laugh

Q: Where does a pirate go to drink?
A: A baaaargh
Q: What do pirates see in the night sky?
A: A Staaaargh
Q: What do pirates drive?
A: (not a caaaargh) A boat

Q: How much does it cost a pirate to get a piercing?
A: A buckaneer