Go Ask your Father:

Bang insisted on deep conversation this evening over fish, broccoli, and smashed potatoe supper. Where did the universe come from? Who were the first people on Earth? Can you think when you’re dead? Sometimes I’m not sure I’m the one who should be answering his questions. I do the best I can. Naturally, answering his question will create three more questions. 

Why do we swallow?

During a recent ride in the RAV4 Bang was fed up with constantly having to swallow his saliva. I wouldn’t allow him to spit in the truck, either.  I told him he had to swallow his spit so he wouldn’t choke on it. He also had to swallow food so he wouldn’t starve. To make matters worse, I added that he has to swallow liquid so he wouldn’t die of thirst. Said food and drink is technically called a bolus. Our tongue pushes food and drink to the back of the mouth where the pharynx moves it along to the esophagus which will deliver to our stomach. During this process the epiglottis (our airway) closes so we don’t asperate or suffocate.It came up again at suppertime. Food, apparently, takes too long is way too much work to swallow one bite at time. He wanted his supper in his stomach and it was to get there immediately.

What’s that blue planet?

I was nervous because I was afraid he wanted me say “Yer-Anus” (I say “Yer-uh-nus”) fortunately he was thinking of Neptune. Unfortunately, I don’t remember why he was asking. Discovered in 1846 (about the time I entered first grade), it has 14 moons and 5 rings. It appears blue because of methane found in its atmosphere. Even though it’s smaller than Yer-uh-nuh it has a greater mass because of it’s heavy atmosphere. It’s atmosphere encloses layers of water, ammonia, and methane ice while the core of the planet is rock. When I Google what methane smells like all I get are results that include sewer gas. Neptene smells like a sewer. Thank God it’s 2.7 billion miles away.

Who farted?

Around here it could have been anyone. We don’t have a dog to blame it on, either. Birds don’t fart, so we can’t blame Piper. Most likely it was Crash. He’s proud of the gas he passes. Though, Bang can be equally proud, he’s more of “Can I sit on your lap?” then fart and leave kind of kid. Ammonia and hydrogen sulfide, two gasses created in the intestine during food digestion, are the culprits behind the stench that makes us gag, makes our eyes water and peels paint off the walls. Don’t be surprised if you get called a flappy-arse if you’re ever heard farting within our house.

Who’s going to play with me?

Mr. Needy likes when people play with him. He’s not so good at entertaining himself sometimes. The basement is creepy for him. He doesn’t like the blinky lights on the wireless router. He also doesn’t like how quiet it is. Never mind the amount of noise he conjures up while playing. It wakes the dead. So when he asks, “Who’s going to play with me?”  we all look at each other. If one of just played with him we’ll play the “your turn” card. Sometimes I’m able to play the “I’m cooking supper” card. Most times someone will go entertain him. Trucks. Lego. Mario Kart on the Wii. Trains. Racecars on the Hotwheels track. There are endless possibilities. Until someone farts and smells worse than Neptune. Then it’s game off. 

You know a relationship is serious when you can fart in front of the other person.