F is for Kids Say the Darnedest things #atozchallenge

The first thing that comes to mind is a bomb. No, not Fat Boy, either. The other F-Bomb. Or, more accurately, a phrase that gets said under too many breaths… For F***’s Sake. Because that phrase pretty much sums up life with kids.

F is also for fodder, food for the blog. Kids are an endless supply of it. They are constantly doing things that provide me either stories to tell or inspire me to write something touching.

Today, though, I’ll make F for Funny as hell. Kids say the darnedest things and since today is Thursday I though I’d give mine an opportunity to do just that. I lieu of Questions I Ask My Kids I though I’d share some of the funny things they’ve told us. We have a book, “My Quotable Kid”, where we write all this fun stuff down. So without further ado here are some of the funnies…

Bang (3 at the time): Haha! I’m sticking my hand in your boobs!
DW: And what do you think you’re doing in there sir?
Bang: I’m fishin’ in there! [pulls out a clenched fist] Got one!

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Crash: [hiding a Nerf gun behind his back] I’m handless.
Me: You’re what?
Crash: I’m handless… I have no gun.
Me: You mean you’re unarmed?
Crash: uhh Yeah.

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Bang was in the tub and decided he needed to pee. So rather than hauling his wet self out of the tub to pee in the toilet DW just had him pee in a bucket to dump in the toilet. After finishing she told him to “shake it off”. He looks at her with a smirk and says, “Heh, yeah. Ya gotta shake it off  like Taywer Swift!”

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Bang: Dad, did you see my hooker? (a Lego contraption he built with a hook on it)
Me: Was she wearing boots?

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Bang: Our fodder who art in Heaven
how I beat my name
Thy kingdom come
I will be done on Erf
as it is in Heaven….

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DW’s dad (aka Guppie) lives 20 minutes away and will often send us to the stores here in town to pick up stuff for him. Then he’ll get it from us the next time he comes in to town and pay us back.

Crash: Does Guppie have any money?
DW: Yes, Guppie has money. Why are you asking that? (We were thinking he was up to something and going to get Guppie to buy him something)
Crash: Well, he’s always asking us to buy him Oreos and pop and stuff!

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DW: Bang, How did you get a hole in your pants?
Bang: Oh, the last time I was drying my hair by myself I had a knife and I cut a hole in my pants to see if there were any spiders in there.”

(before you call Social Services, none of that was true. He had no knife, he was not drying his hair by himself, and there were no spiders in his pants.)

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Bang: I don’t want to drink out of that cup! His breath is on it!

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Nanny Moe: Crash, what’s on your hat? It looks like a spider.
Crash: Nooo! It’s Yoda. [slight pause and he smirks] He’s wrinkly like you Nanny!

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Pop: Do you have a doctor?
Bang: Yeah, Dr. Debbie.
Pop: And does she make you open your mouth wide and look in your throat?
Bang: Yeah
Pop: Why does she do that? What’s she looking for in there?
Bang: Antibiotics.

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We were invited to supper at DW’s mom’s (aka Nanny Moe). Crash asked me what she going to be cooking. I told him she would be cooking squid.

Later at Nanny’s during supper and Crash asks, “Can I have some more of this chicken or squid or whatever it is?”

It was pork tenderloin.

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Bang:[while swimming in the pool at a hotel] Mom! Feel my shorts, they’re drenched!

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DW: Do you want to go bowling before or after supper?
Bang: I’ve never seen bowling in a hotel before!