Ah Dad has a Test for boys to pass if they intend to date his daughters. After reading his list (and his reasoning) I feel obligated to write my own. Except, since I have two boys, I figured there were two ways to take this. This first way will correspond with Ah Dad’s rules. However, the rules will pertain to Crash and Bang. Then perhaps, I will succeed in raising two boys who can pass the test to date his Princess. With some planning, a hell of a lot of instruction, guidance, and discipline, my kids won’t grow up to be a-holes.
Like he put it – my boys future wives won’t 1) end up with an a-hole husband, 2) there will be fewer arguments about why they argue with their future father-in-law, and 3) I won’t end up in jail for shooting the a-hole father-in-law who shot my a-hole son.
Ah Dad’s first rule was they had to be in school at the same time. Already, Crash is off his list just for being too young. Crash, stay in school anyway.
Crash needs to be a gentleman. Hold doors open, not let them slam shut like he does to his brother. Treat her with respect. Speak kindly. Not the way he does to his mom and dad, but nicely. And don’t kiss. Especially on the first date. No worries, right now though. He shields his eyes when he sees people kissing. We are teaching him to be kind to others. He may not be so to mom and dad, but his teachers adore him.
No tattoos, piercings, or big gold chains. Well, the tattoos I’m not sure I can prevent. His mom has three and I have two and we each want another. They’re tasteful, though. If he wants to get a tat in the future, hopefully, I can teach him to keep it tasteful and meaningful. Piercings I’m not worried about. Crash HATES needles. See how I made that bold AND italics? That because I can’t stress the amount of hate enough. The Dark Side kind of hate. Hmm, I guess that rules out getting inked, too.
Rule four was to pull his pants up. If underwear are showing he’ll be out on his ass. No worries. I know Crash hates jeans nearly as much as he hates needles and cleaning, but the pants he does wear are pulled up to his waist. He’s no thug. Nor will he ever be. Should he try to be, I’ll go thug on him until he realizes how uncool thugs really are.
His fifth rule is to have supper together, just the two of them, son-in-law and father-in-law. If I’ve been successful with rule number two, this won’t be an issue. He’ll be a gentleman, respectful, thoughtful, considerate, and everything else a father-in-law wants for a son-in-law. If I’m not successful, the world will have another a-hole to deal with and there are enough of those already.
Short hair? No problem. Both boys have had buzz cuts since they were two. Otherwise they get “helmet head” (sorry Uncle Kevin (my dad’s brother, not DW’s)). It’s spiky and sticks straight out, kind of like if chia pet mated with a golf course.
No skinny jeans? No worries. Crash hates any wearing jeans of any kind – skinny, fat, blue, green, long, short, etc… But should he decide to wear jeans, so long as they’re pulled up and presentable, I’ll be happy.
Rule eight was to call his future father-in-law “sir”. Again, if I’m successful at rule number two, respect shouldn’t be issue. Since we’ve come across rule number two a few times, I will be sure to stress and teach to the best of my abilities respect for others. It’s a work in progress. More work than progress most days.
Ah Dad’s rule number nine was dealing with how Princess dresses for her date. Essentially, if she wasn’t dressed as “Whoopi Goldberg in Sister Act” she needs to reconsider what she’s wearing. I shall teach my boys to treat a girl as if she was dressed thusly. Don’t be a pig.
Rule ten- When you go swimming with girls, look in their eyes. The two in their head; not the two protruding from their bathing suit. Again, it’s all about respect.
The eleventh rule is if it’s not yours, don’t touch. Especially, body parts. A neck rub is one thing, but keep the rubs at neck level or higher. Unless it’s her feet. Feet are okay. NOTHING in between. Like what I do to mom when you’re not looking. You can’t do that until you’re at least 30.
Lastly, I will teach them to find a girl they love. One who they can make feel as much a princess as she make them feel as much a king. One who they can love for who they are, allowing her to be herself. Find a girl who loves them for they are. Loves them in all their geeky, dorky, nerdy, goofy, adorable, weird ways.
The same way their mom loves me and I love their mom.
*End note – There is about 7 years age difference between our Crash and Ah Dad’s Princess. So the likelihood of them meeting is pretty slim. Never mind that we live in Canada and they live in South Africa.