Life Before and After Kids

We all had a life before our little parasites came along to suck every ounce of energy from our marrow. Our life was our own to do as we pleased. Beyond the scope of normal life responsibilities – work, bills, and doing whatever the hell we wanted – we were pretty free. Normal things were normal. Simply using the bathroom wasn’t even a thought. We just did our business and washed our hands. But life has changed drastically since those days. *If you don’t have kids, let this be your warning.*

Before
Going out the door. You put on your shoes, your coat, then left. What’s there to think about?

After
You holler to the kids that you’re leaving. NOW! Get your coat on, get your shoes on. Find one kid’s shoes, find the other kid’s coat. Argue that it’s cold outside and they need to wear winter coats, not spring coats. Wait while someone runs to the bathroom to pee. Wait while one of them tries to zip their coat by themselves. God forbid you speed them up by trying to help. They’d just as soon throw you in the Sarlacc pit than get help.

 Before
Going out to eat at a restaurant simply involved choosing where to eat and then going there.

After
Screw that. Don’t take the heathens out in public if you don’t have to. Hit up the drive through and bring that shit home. And if you decide to brave it and actually go in to a place to eat, you have to make sure it’s child friendly, because you’re kid is so damn picky they won’t eat a hot dog with lines on it.

These lines are sure sign of poison.

Before
Your house was clean.

 After
It looks like Hurricane had a party and invited Earthquake and Tornado to your house and it’ll take a national relief effort to put it all back in order. Toys, clothes, food, spilled something or other, and some kind of blue sticky stuff on the wall are your new decor. You might be worried that TLC will stop by to film the next episode of Hoarders – Buried Alive (By Kids).

Why is that TV tray still standing?

Before
Awake at whatever time o’clock you damn well pleased.

After
Awake at 1 am because your kid kicked the covers off and is now cold. Up at 2:30 because your kid woke up for no apparent reason and wants you. Up again at 4 because their diaper/pull-up/underwear leaked. It’s okay, though, you’ve mastered changing the sheets in the dark. Up for good at 6 am because the monster is hungry for breakfast. And without breakfast they turn into the Rancor.

Before
Nothing is broken. Everything works.

After
Everything is broken. Nothing works. There’s no explanation other than “the force is strong with this one”. Like a well placed proton torpedo, things seem to fall apart all around your kids. Don’t bother getting nice things because it’ll just end up at the curb for the garbage men anyway. Shop at the dollar store.

Before
Enjoy an alcoholic beverage with friends any day of the week.

After
Like hell. See any of the above for reasons you won’t be doing this any more. You’re wiped from trying to get the kids out the door. You’re ready for bed after the fiasco of trying to take your kids out to eat. Getting up at a million times through the night is impossible when inebriated/hungover. You’re too busy with relief efforts after Hurricane, Earthquake, and Tornado are done playing for the day.

LBF (Life Before Kids) was an ignorant bliss. Sure we were happy. But the joy these part harbingers of hell and part angels of heaven have brought to our lives is immeasurable. Our houses aren’t clean, they’re lived in. Our lives are no long our own. But we wouldn’t have it any other way.

Most of the time.