A Thing (or 2) About Me

I think I need to update my about page. I’ll post this here for now and move it over later. In university as we student teachers were preparing to head out to our awaiting mentor teachers, they asked us to fill in a couple forms. One question was “Is there anything about yourself that you would like your mentor to know?” This is what I sent, though it wasn’t given to my mentor, I gave it to her later after I found out it wasn’t sent to her. Now, I send it to you should you desire to know a few facts about me and the exciting life I’ve led. You might be surprised at just how little you know of me! Even my DW and parents don’t know most of this! So, shhhhh….

I’m a very creative individual. In fact I’m so creative I don’t comprehend my own inability to comprehend myself. One day I read War and Peace and finished in time to make supper. I built a life size house of cards just so I could blow it down. I can survive in the woods with only a toothpick and fruit loops. I only need three hours of sleep and I sleep standing up. I have won the America’s Cup, the Grey Cup, Stanley’s Cup, and the World Cup. My penmanship is nearly perfect. I am a famous undiscovered author. I can cook 20-minute rice in only five and watch 60 minutes in 45.  I played guitar with Eric Clapton, Carlos Santana and Yanni. I played the hurdy gurdy with AC/DC. I have revived an alligator with CPR and mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. When monkeys throw pooh at me, I throw it back. At one time I knew both the meaning of life and the secret to immortality. But I’ve forgotten both. I can sell ketchup to a woman in white gloves and bubble gum to a man with no teeth. I stole the Mona Lisa and returned it while no one ever knowing it was gone. The average banjo player can play 16 notes per second. I can play 19. I turned down lunch with the president of the U.S. to volunteer in a soup kitchen. I woo women with moving rock ballads. I am an undefeated, world class, international Candyland champion. I successfully built and defended a pillow fort. I stayed at a Holiday Inn. Single-handedly, I delivered 6 kittens and a horse at the mall. I am a master origamist. I spent 7 years in silence to better understand the sound of a whisper. I earned my master’s degree in 2 years. I enjoy building bridges in my backyard. I fix small engines and household appliances after school, free of charge. I dig holes just so I can fill them in again. I perform clandestine night operations during the day. I am fluent in 8 languages – 3 of which are dead. I know sign language and am capable of communicating with primates. I can run a mile in 3 ½ minutes. I conducted my first masterpiece when I was 3 years old. I am heir to the great throne of an island off the coast of Zimbabwe. I do my own banking. I’m an 8th degree black belt in Ju Jit Su, Karate, Ta Kwon Do and drunken boxing. One night in February, I played a round of golf at Banff and shot a 68. When it rains, I don’t get wet. I have a secret identity that is so secret, not even I know what it is. I can perform McBeth in its entirety as a 1-act play. I successfully taught Zen philosophy and meditation to 4th graders. I solved Bernouli’s equation one evening. I can check out anytime I like, but I can never leave.

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